Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Letting go, Letting G-d
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 680782" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am posting here a response I began on Lovemyson's thread because it began to go to Foo-land. I am needing to address my overwhelming sense of responsibility to make everything right for my son, do right by my son, and my inconsolable grief and self-attack when it does not work. I have been quite sad for the last couple of days.</p><p></p><p>I cannot bear to be around my son. That is the truth. How he looks (hoody, slinking around, stained or ragged clothing); how he acts (shirking work, standing around, looking for hand-outs, manipulating, taking the victim, woe as me stance.)</p><p></p><p>I despair because there is no way I can help him. I feel I should I want to. But I cannot.</p><p></p><p>This gives rise to a feeling I know all so well: like an animal in a trap trying to escape, trying and trying, beating himself against the barrier, until exhausted he gnaws at his own limb and life...to end it.</p><p></p><p>I know I upset people when I write stuff like this but this is the reality of the place I go to when I suffer in relation to a loved one where nothing I do or try works. And I feel it is my responsibility to fix it.</p><p></p><p>It is this that I need to clarify and to refine for myself. It is no less than a worldview. A view of myself in the world. That I must change.</p><p>I am seeing that this despair must come from the past. When indeed, I had no hope, no chances, no one else than my family. I was trapped. I must have felt true despair. Agony. That nothing I could do would, could save me or anybody else.</p><p></p><p>I do not remember feeling this way. But there is no way that I would feel this intensely, this stereotypically, this way, had I not felt exactly this as a small child, in these circumstances.</p><p></p><p>Someone I love has disappointed me greatly. Somebody upon whom I depend. Somebody without whom I am lost, bereft. I try and I try. I fail I feel as if I have failed at life.</p><p></p><p>The paradox is that I turn: They failed me. Into I failed. That is the missing link.</p><p></p><p>On the same thread I had earlier tried to tackle another peace of this.</p><p></p><p>Here is what I wrote:</p><p></p><p></p><p> I do not have time to make sense of it but I wanted to consolidate the thinking on a thread.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing the need for a relationship with G-d. There is the sense that a human mortal will always fail. There is the sense of being able to turn over or share impossible burdens. There is forgiveness. There is faith not that the right thing that will happen, but that there is a force in us of goodness, creativity, purpose, hope that in the face of the abyss we can turn to and begin again. Renewal. There is the possibility of commitment not to personal strength or power but to the commitment to return to this fount, no matter what. That is always possible for us. Even in the face of evil. Personal choice to affirm.</p><p></p><p>So the disappointment, the despair that I cannot do it, is just the beginning. What I am missing is the piece that I must not punish myself. Destroy myself because I could not. Nobody could. Except the choice to recommit to possibility, to hope, to renewal, to creativity, to purpose. And that cultures far and wide have depended upon belief.</p><p></p><p>It is this I could never have because I was failed over and over again, not by myself but by those who could have, should have protected me. M is a highly religious man. I will emulate him. I will believe in hope. I choose to believe.</p><p></p><p>My biggest obstacle is this highly stereotypical and relentless self-attack in these kinds of situations.</p><p></p><p>I will learn.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 680782, member: 18958"] I am posting here a response I began on Lovemyson's thread because it began to go to Foo-land. I am needing to address my overwhelming sense of responsibility to make everything right for my son, do right by my son, and my inconsolable grief and self-attack when it does not work. I have been quite sad for the last couple of days. I cannot bear to be around my son. That is the truth. How he looks (hoody, slinking around, stained or ragged clothing); how he acts (shirking work, standing around, looking for hand-outs, manipulating, taking the victim, woe as me stance.) I despair because there is no way I can help him. I feel I should I want to. But I cannot. This gives rise to a feeling I know all so well: like an animal in a trap trying to escape, trying and trying, beating himself against the barrier, until exhausted he gnaws at his own limb and life...to end it. I know I upset people when I write stuff like this but this is the reality of the place I go to when I suffer in relation to a loved one where nothing I do or try works. And I feel it is my responsibility to fix it. It is this that I need to clarify and to refine for myself. It is no less than a worldview. A view of myself in the world. That I must change. I am seeing that this despair must come from the past. When indeed, I had no hope, no chances, no one else than my family. I was trapped. I must have felt true despair. Agony. That nothing I could do would, could save me or anybody else. I do not remember feeling this way. But there is no way that I would feel this intensely, this stereotypically, this way, had I not felt exactly this as a small child, in these circumstances. Someone I love has disappointed me greatly. Somebody upon whom I depend. Somebody without whom I am lost, bereft. I try and I try. I fail I feel as if I have failed at life. The paradox is that I turn: They failed me. Into I failed. That is the missing link. On the same thread I had earlier tried to tackle another peace of this. Here is what I wrote: I do not have time to make sense of it but I wanted to consolidate the thinking on a thread. I am seeing the need for a relationship with G-d. There is the sense that a human mortal will always fail. There is the sense of being able to turn over or share impossible burdens. There is forgiveness. There is faith not that the right thing that will happen, but that there is a force in us of goodness, creativity, purpose, hope that in the face of the abyss we can turn to and begin again. Renewal. There is the possibility of commitment not to personal strength or power but to the commitment to return to this fount, no matter what. That is always possible for us. Even in the face of evil. Personal choice to affirm. So the disappointment, the despair that I cannot do it, is just the beginning. What I am missing is the piece that I must not punish myself. Destroy myself because I could not. Nobody could. Except the choice to recommit to possibility, to hope, to renewal, to creativity, to purpose. And that cultures far and wide have depended upon belief. It is this I could never have because I was failed over and over again, not by myself but by those who could have, should have protected me. M is a highly religious man. I will emulate him. I will believe in hope. I choose to believe. My biggest obstacle is this highly stereotypical and relentless self-attack in these kinds of situations. I will learn. COPA [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Letting go, Letting G-d
Top