Letting go of the outcome....

[toughlovin]

So I went to my alanon meeting last night. I haven't been going as regularly and it was really good for me to go.

I was reminded that I really need to continue on letting go of the outcome. I am still tied into the hope that my son is going to really get sober, stay sober, and be a fully functioning productive adult. I know that is what he wants and I have hope that he will get there.

But there is a way that being tied to that outcome isn't good for me either.

I am doing a good job overall of living my life and I am actually having a pretty good time with life these days and I am happy...... But I would be happier if my son was doing really well and really had his act together. Of course I would......but I really can't wait for that either. There is a way in which I am waiting for that to happen and I think that waiting holds me back in some way.

Does that make sense?

The other realization I had yesterday is man I have shown this incredible commitment to my son by always being there for him. He may not appreciate it but I have been there for him over and over again. You know what I have been a great mom even if he doesn't appreciate it all the time..... And that commitment and love I have shown him makes up for any of the mistakes or regrets that I have. He is darned lucky to have me as his mom!!!

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I was able to let go of the outcome by finding this forum. Ever since I found others in similar situations; I realized I wasn't alone, I wasn't a bad Mother, but I did enable, though I didn't realize I was. Once I was able to understand what enabling was, letting my son find his way, even if was a bad choice, I could let go of "the outcome". I am at peace finally. He is doing better but I wish things could be better for him, but perhaps one day, I will get that wish, but for now, I am not restless, I am not losing sleep, I am not totally engaged in his life. I keep our conversations simple and when he starts rambling on and on I tell him I have to get back to work, or some other excuse. I don't allow him to fill my head with his stuff. Life is good- at least for now.

 

[TheWalrus]

I love that - "letting go of the outcome." I have never heard that before but that is exactly what gets me stuck. That strong want for the "outcome" to have all been worth it and her to magically straighten out and live a beautiful, successful, happy life. That may not ever happen. But I can choose to accept her day by day - good and bad, ups and downs - and stop worrying about the end result. Thank you for a completely different perspective.

 

[toughlovin]

Walrus - Exactly. That is what gets me stuck too..... And I get into the angst of hoping he will get a job, hoping he will sign up for school, somehow feeling that if only he does those things all will be ok. So like you I just need to take it day by day and not get into the angst of what if or only if. And be happy when good things do happen but not have my feelings of well being depend on it.

 

[Lil]

I am doing a good job overall of living my life and I am actually having a pretty good time with life these days and I am happy...... But I would be happier if my son was doing really well and really had his act together. Of course I would......but I really can't wait for that either. There is a way in which I am waiting for that to happen and I think that waiting holds me back in some way.

Does that make sense?

Absolutely. I am doing the exact same thing. Jabber and I have always been a happily married couple, but we are now trying to move forward and do what we want. We did the trip to Vegas, we're buying that piece of real estate Jabber's always wanted, we're planning on getting ours fixed up and selling it and moving out of town...we're in a good place. But the fact is, my son does still hold me back. That is, I know that I let him hold me back. I worry about how he'll get to work on the weekends if we go out of town. I end up checking his hours so I can work around them instead of just doing my own thing. I worry about what will happen if his girlfriend and roommate don't get jobs and he can't pay the rent. I worry about whether he'll ever just be stable. I'm still very invested in the outcome.

 

[Tanya M]

It's a slow process of letting go of the outcome. If it were easy there would be no need for this site or al-anon meetings.
Each day we take back a little piece of our own lives and yes there are days we skip and slide backwards but stay steady the course and one day we realize that we have successfully let go.
I love the idea Childofmine has of our "toolbox" we find those things that help us to stay focused and to stay strong and we keep them in our toolbox.
What a blessing it is to be able to share with others who really know what it's like to be "us"

 

[detachingmother]

Just reading along. I am nodding my head as I read through this thread.

I am going to my first alanon meeting soon. I am sort of stuck in a rut, although I've done the detaching thing. Just now with Son having a baby on the way, and in jail, I somehow got "sucked" back in...the playing field feels different.

This forum, threads just like this help me get back on track. Alanon I am hoping will help add that extra layer of protection and keep from getting all off track again.

 

[in a daze]

I am doing a good job overall of living my life and I am actually having a pretty good time with life these days and I am happy...... But I would be happier if my son was doing really well and really had his act together. Of course I would......but I really can't wait for that either. There is a way in which I am waiting for that to happen and I think that waiting holds me back in some way.

Does that make sense?

Oh, completely. I struggle with this, too. I am obsessed with my difficult child's future. I don't plan my life around him, but I am so future oriented, and I drive myself nuts trying to envision the next step he should be doing, but because of his issues, ( which he is working on, goes to therapy at least) he doesn't seem to have the same urgency about what's to come.

 

[BusynMember]

Can't control the outcome anymore than the young adults. They probably won't be a class of college grads. It may be totally unimportant to them. But they can get clean and earn an honest days living and feel content.
I think it's best to l et go of OUR dreams for them too. They are not us.

 

[toughlovin]

Right now I am just working on thinking about the present and not asking him or pressing him about the future. I actually caught myself the other day thinking I should go online and look for jobs that might be in his area!! That's what I mean.... That is nuts and I should not do that.

It really is about letting it totally be their journey which means their journey is not our journey.

 

[rebelson]

Oh....I am SO here, right here with you TL. Guilty of 'future obsession' re: my son. This forum has helped so much, even though I just found it a month or 2 ago.