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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 739516" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Nomad. I am sorry. I am about to hijack your thread for just this one post. But first, I really understand how you must feel. </p><p></p><p>I will just say one thing: Your daughter has limitations. Does that forgive her deceptions? No. But you say she lacks the balls to confront this user guy, or ask him for rent money, or even to leave. How would she have the sense of self to deal with you directly? She is immature. Her skills are limited. And so much is at stake. She knows you hold the keys to the place. She knows she has already screwed up, with the condo. The last person she will level with is you. And she is too limited to face she is digging herself in deeper.</p><p></p><p>You set her up in this condo about the same time I bought the property for my son to live in. Your daughter has done way better than did my son. My son basically used the apartment as a drug den. And he reneged on rent. Preferring to use the money on more marijuana. Not even food.</p><p></p><p>Nomad. I am facing that I bought the property for me. That I set my son up for me. That I endured his going down, down, down, enabled by my so called generosity--in order to hide from the pain of a lifetime. In effect I tolerated enabling and sheltering his self-destructive behavior so that I would not have to face reality.</p><p></p><p>You have a choice to make. It really is about you. Where do your best interests lie? If she moves out, where will she go? Does she have the wherewithal to make it on her SSI? Can she arrange and maintain an apartment where you do not run interference for her?</p><p></p><p>Each of us has to accept that our children have real limitations in their functioning. I have chosen to cast my son out, because I was falling into the gutter with him. Your situation is far different. There is enough distance between you that you can, with effort, insulate yourself. </p><p></p><p>But is that really true? If she is defying your rules, a stand has to be taken. And with that, you are in the mix. </p><p></p><p>We are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. There are no right answers. Only less wrong ones. I am sorry Nomad.</p><p></p><p>My motivation is not for my son to love me. My motivation is to not have to face that he is not changing. Not getting better.</p><p></p><p>I feel that it is my fault. That there was something I should have, could have done to make him be alright.</p><p></p><p>I had a strong need for a redemption story. By adopting him, we were both to be redeemed. My past. And his. It worked for a long time.</p><p></p><p>He knows this about me. That I was seeking to redeem myself through him. He has accused me of such. He knew it intuitively about me. He faced it first.</p><p></p><p>I told him it was love. It was. But he is right.</p><p></p><p>Another mother posted on another thread that she had turned into her mother, living with an abusive alcoholic. The fate she had always ran from.</p><p></p><p>Except in her case her abuser was her son.</p><p></p><p>In my case I ran from the self-destruction of my father. And my son has turned into my father. I could not save my son. And I could not save my father. Before that.</p><p></p><p>I ask myself. Was I dedicated to this redemption fantasy in favor of my real life son? Was there more I could have done, if I had been tethered to real life?</p><p></p><p>For 10 years I have tried to turn him around. And only in the past 2 months have I stopped.</p><p></p><p>We called the cops and called and called. Letters of eviction. Threats of restraining orders. And finally, he stopped squatting on our property. There was a final time, when he was pushing his way in the door of my house. I began beating his legs with a pot, to push him back.</p><p></p><p>Only that, and something worse, got my attention. That there was no more redemption fantasy.</p><p></p><p>It was not a question of love. My love or his. The love is there.</p><p></p><p>It was this: the dream was over.</p><p></p><p>But what do I do now?</p><p></p><p>I guess it is one day at a time.</p><p></p><p>You see. I had never mattered to me before. Not in any real way. I had tried to live the same kind of redemption fantasy I projected onto him.</p><p></p><p>In any real sense, as a real person, I had never factored myself or needs into the equation. The need for my own peace and happiness could come only from a magic wand.</p><p></p><p>And now, I see that it can be a matter of a decision and a commitment. And I can see that by changing my stance with my son, I have created space to create peace and happiness.</p><p></p><p>I am beginning to see that facing that my son is flawed and flailing, is itself opening up space in me. Because I do not have to own it. It does not have to be about me and my own life. I can make that decision.</p><p></p><p>My son needs to find his own love. And I need to own my own.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 739516, member: 18958"] Nomad. I am sorry. I am about to hijack your thread for just this one post. But first, I really understand how you must feel. I will just say one thing: Your daughter has limitations. Does that forgive her deceptions? No. But you say she lacks the balls to confront this user guy, or ask him for rent money, or even to leave. How would she have the sense of self to deal with you directly? She is immature. Her skills are limited. And so much is at stake. She knows you hold the keys to the place. She knows she has already screwed up, with the condo. The last person she will level with is you. And she is too limited to face she is digging herself in deeper. You set her up in this condo about the same time I bought the property for my son to live in. Your daughter has done way better than did my son. My son basically used the apartment as a drug den. And he reneged on rent. Preferring to use the money on more marijuana. Not even food. Nomad. I am facing that I bought the property for me. That I set my son up for me. That I endured his going down, down, down, enabled by my so called generosity--in order to hide from the pain of a lifetime. In effect I tolerated enabling and sheltering his self-destructive behavior so that I would not have to face reality. You have a choice to make. It really is about you. Where do your best interests lie? If she moves out, where will she go? Does she have the wherewithal to make it on her SSI? Can she arrange and maintain an apartment where you do not run interference for her? Each of us has to accept that our children have real limitations in their functioning. I have chosen to cast my son out, because I was falling into the gutter with him. Your situation is far different. There is enough distance between you that you can, with effort, insulate yourself. But is that really true? If she is defying your rules, a stand has to be taken. And with that, you are in the mix. We are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. There are no right answers. Only less wrong ones. I am sorry Nomad. My motivation is not for my son to love me. My motivation is to not have to face that he is not changing. Not getting better. I feel that it is my fault. That there was something I should have, could have done to make him be alright. I had a strong need for a redemption story. By adopting him, we were both to be redeemed. My past. And his. It worked for a long time. He knows this about me. That I was seeking to redeem myself through him. He has accused me of such. He knew it intuitively about me. He faced it first. I told him it was love. It was. But he is right. Another mother posted on another thread that she had turned into her mother, living with an abusive alcoholic. The fate she had always ran from. Except in her case her abuser was her son. In my case I ran from the self-destruction of my father. And my son has turned into my father. I could not save my son. And I could not save my father. Before that. I ask myself. Was I dedicated to this redemption fantasy in favor of my real life son? Was there more I could have done, if I had been tethered to real life? For 10 years I have tried to turn him around. And only in the past 2 months have I stopped. We called the cops and called and called. Letters of eviction. Threats of restraining orders. And finally, he stopped squatting on our property. There was a final time, when he was pushing his way in the door of my house. I began beating his legs with a pot, to push him back. Only that, and something worse, got my attention. That there was no more redemption fantasy. It was not a question of love. My love or his. The love is there. It was this: the dream was over. But what do I do now? I guess it is one day at a time. You see. I had never mattered to me before. Not in any real way. I had tried to live the same kind of redemption fantasy I projected onto him. In any real sense, as a real person, I had never factored myself or needs into the equation. The need for my own peace and happiness could come only from a magic wand. And now, I see that it can be a matter of a decision and a commitment. And I can see that by changing my stance with my son, I have created space to create peace and happiness. I am beginning to see that facing that my son is flawed and flailing, is itself opening up space in me. Because I do not have to own it. It does not have to be about me and my own life. I can make that decision. My son needs to find his own love. And I need to own my own. [/QUOTE]
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