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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 755661" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is Wise *My quote thing isn't working: <em>I have a big sense of safety, and maybe I am being too fearful. </em></p><p></p><p>You are not asking anything that is inappropriate or over the top, in my view. The issue is not the propriety of your needs, or reactions. the issue is your daughter.</p><p></p><p>She bucks you at every turn. While she's better, she has mocked and disrespected you. She has shown across the board her desire to make her own decisions and to resist yours. <u>The issue is a dynamic between the two of you, and between daughter and her father, not the legitimacy of your wants and needs. </u>The issue is not the specific content of your point of view or your wishes. In nearly every regard, your requests seem reasonable and rational, to me.</p><p></p><p>The question is whether you choose to perpetuate the dynamic and to feed it; whether or not it is in your interest to do so, and whether it's in daughter's interests that conflict be perpetuated.</p><p></p><p>Clearly, up until now, your choices have been sound. Witness how well she is doing. The thing is our kids are adults.</p><p></p><p>Do I want to spend whatever life force I have left engaged in battle with my child, who wins every single battle, regardless of how right I am? Right and wrong don't matter here. Oh, of course they matter to us. But in terms of results and consequences, how much has "the right thing" carried the day?</p><p></p><p>You have prevailed because you've kept your eyes on the ball. Your daughter's welfare.</p><p></p><p>Up until now I have believed that my son's welfare and life, that he live, and live with dignity were more important than anything that I could gain or lose. Perhaps I believe this on some level, still. But the thing is, it doesn't work. All the self-sacrifice in the world, in my view, has not worked. And the cost is too great, for him and for me.</p><p></p><p>I believe we undermine our children by making them adversaries, and making them wrong. I believe we show respect and confidence in our children, by allowing them the freedom to live their own lives, how they choose. My own fears are my own. I have to learn to deal with them.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps I am wrong, Wise. You have achieved a great deal for your daughter. The household has calmed down. She is living a full life. I remember you saying she had never worked. I think I remember you saying that her social life had been limited. You have not written lately of overtly self-destructive behavior by her. She's almost done with college. The worst of things are in the rear view mirror. Had you not held her (and your) feet to the fire, it is likely that none of these things would have occurred. How can I argue with success?</p><p></p><p>The thing is, I believe that hand to hand combat in families takes a toll. And as much, I think there will come a point when daughter needs to emancipate. And you will need her to emancipate.</p><p></p><p>But most of all, when we get into these power plays with our kids we make them wrong. We have the greater power, here. When we win, something in their psyche loses. Your daughter lies to you because she feels on some level she has to. She feels overpowered and she feels her truth is not enough. Is this what you want for her? I regret greatly engaging in this hand to hand combat with my son. Even though I was in the right, I was wrong</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 755661, member: 18958"] This is Wise *My quote thing isn't working: [I]I have a big sense of safety, and maybe I am being too fearful. [/I] You are not asking anything that is inappropriate or over the top, in my view. The issue is not the propriety of your needs, or reactions. the issue is your daughter. She bucks you at every turn. While she's better, she has mocked and disrespected you. She has shown across the board her desire to make her own decisions and to resist yours. [U]The issue is a dynamic between the two of you, and between daughter and her father, not the legitimacy of your wants and needs. [/U]The issue is not the specific content of your point of view or your wishes. In nearly every regard, your requests seem reasonable and rational, to me. The question is whether you choose to perpetuate the dynamic and to feed it; whether or not it is in your interest to do so, and whether it's in daughter's interests that conflict be perpetuated. Clearly, up until now, your choices have been sound. Witness how well she is doing. The thing is our kids are adults. Do I want to spend whatever life force I have left engaged in battle with my child, who wins every single battle, regardless of how right I am? Right and wrong don't matter here. Oh, of course they matter to us. But in terms of results and consequences, how much has "the right thing" carried the day? You have prevailed because you've kept your eyes on the ball. Your daughter's welfare. Up until now I have believed that my son's welfare and life, that he live, and live with dignity were more important than anything that I could gain or lose. Perhaps I believe this on some level, still. But the thing is, it doesn't work. All the self-sacrifice in the world, in my view, has not worked. And the cost is too great, for him and for me. I believe we undermine our children by making them adversaries, and making them wrong. I believe we show respect and confidence in our children, by allowing them the freedom to live their own lives, how they choose. My own fears are my own. I have to learn to deal with them. Perhaps I am wrong, Wise. You have achieved a great deal for your daughter. The household has calmed down. She is living a full life. I remember you saying she had never worked. I think I remember you saying that her social life had been limited. You have not written lately of overtly self-destructive behavior by her. She's almost done with college. The worst of things are in the rear view mirror. Had you not held her (and your) feet to the fire, it is likely that none of these things would have occurred. How can I argue with success? The thing is, I believe that hand to hand combat in families takes a toll. And as much, I think there will come a point when daughter needs to emancipate. And you will need her to emancipate. But most of all, when we get into these power plays with our kids we make them wrong. We have the greater power, here. When we win, something in their psyche loses. Your daughter lies to you because she feels on some level she has to. She feels overpowered and she feels her truth is not enough. Is this what you want for her? I regret greatly engaging in this hand to hand combat with my son. Even though I was in the right, I was wrong [/QUOTE]
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