Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
life goes on and on and on update
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 731372" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Tired Mama, I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with your son's behaviors, when our kids have mental issues, it is very difficult for us. I empathize with you, this is not an easy path.</p><p></p><p>It sounds as if you are doing everything possible to get your son the supports he needs while doing your best to keep yourself detached. Boundaries are the most important feature with our adult kids, they have to be clear and impenetrable. To that end, while your son is detained, it may be prudent for you to write a list of what you are now willing to do and what you are not wiling to do and then present that to your son upon his release and stick to it. And, remember, that when your son does get out of jail and if you do not enable him, he will up the ante considerably with guilt and manipulation so be prepared. That is where support is crucial.</p><p></p><p>I can't recall if you have a therapist or if you've attended any NAMI courses, but I would strongly recommend therapy and any other supports you can find for YOU. You've covered all the bases for your son, have you done that for YOU?</p><p></p><p>Please stop dipping into your retirement for your son. There is no reason you should ever have to put up with threats, fits, angers, rages, blame, manipulations and any other bad behavior your son exhibits. Unless he is comatose or psychotic, he knows right from wrong and can be accountable for his behavior. You're breaking a dysfunctional enabling pattern with your son, breaking patterns is challenging especially when only one person wants that change. Your son has no commitment to change, he will only respond to the changes you demand, so stick with your boundaries.</p><p></p><p>I was watching this talk by Brene' Brown the other day and the part about boundaries is very good, (boundary part is at 7:35) if it feels right, check it out.</p><p></p><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDS5bqvOlhc" target="_blank">“You HAVE to Make a CHOICE: Am I Going to SHOW UP?” - Brené Brown (@BreneBrown) Top 10 Rules</a></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The answer to your question, as far as I can see, has more to do with you, with us, then with our kids. That's why our support for ourselves is so necessary. We have to learn how to set boundaries that are for <strong><em>our</em></strong> well being and that takes us learning how to respond differently and usually learning how to care for ourselves better. I think that is especially true for older women like us, who have often been taught to adapt and give in and give up our own needs for the sake of others.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there Tired Mama, you've done a lot, you've done enough. Make sure you take care of YOU.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 731372, member: 13542"] Tired Mama, I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with your son's behaviors, when our kids have mental issues, it is very difficult for us. I empathize with you, this is not an easy path. It sounds as if you are doing everything possible to get your son the supports he needs while doing your best to keep yourself detached. Boundaries are the most important feature with our adult kids, they have to be clear and impenetrable. To that end, while your son is detained, it may be prudent for you to write a list of what you are now willing to do and what you are not wiling to do and then present that to your son upon his release and stick to it. And, remember, that when your son does get out of jail and if you do not enable him, he will up the ante considerably with guilt and manipulation so be prepared. That is where support is crucial. I can't recall if you have a therapist or if you've attended any NAMI courses, but I would strongly recommend therapy and any other supports you can find for YOU. You've covered all the bases for your son, have you done that for YOU? Please stop dipping into your retirement for your son. There is no reason you should ever have to put up with threats, fits, angers, rages, blame, manipulations and any other bad behavior your son exhibits. Unless he is comatose or psychotic, he knows right from wrong and can be accountable for his behavior. You're breaking a dysfunctional enabling pattern with your son, breaking patterns is challenging especially when only one person wants that change. Your son has no commitment to change, he will only respond to the changes you demand, so stick with your boundaries. I was watching this talk by Brene' Brown the other day and the part about boundaries is very good, (boundary part is at 7:35) if it feels right, check it out. [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDS5bqvOlhc"]“You HAVE to Make a CHOICE: Am I Going to SHOW UP?” - Brené Brown (@BreneBrown) Top 10 Rules[/URL] The answer to your question, as far as I can see, has more to do with you, with us, then with our kids. That's why our support for ourselves is so necessary. We have to learn how to set boundaries that are for [B][I]our[/I][/B] well being and that takes us learning how to respond differently and usually learning how to care for ourselves better. I think that is especially true for older women like us, who have often been taught to adapt and give in and give up our own needs for the sake of others. Hang in there Tired Mama, you've done a lot, you've done enough. Make sure you take care of YOU. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
life goes on and on and on update
Top