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Life is difficult due to non-Difficult Child adult daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673695" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>How do you think you will proceed from here, wakeupcall?</p><p></p><p>The father will have been using this time to whine and bemoan and accuse. He will have been lying, will have been watching the daughter's responses and tailoring his "poor, poor betrayed me" to deepening and manipulating her through them. </p><p></p><p>I wonder whether you would be able to find just that right Hallmark card to send your daughter apropos of nothing ~ not a holiday, not a birthday. Nothing too mushy. Maybe, keeping a watch for that card can be a form of reclaiming your power in this situation. It seems that you are accepting the "person designated to be punished" role (I did that, too). There is no one to be punished, or to punish. You are out of it. The daughter will learn in time. If you could keep it light, keep it accepting, <em>begin to establish boundaries around the daughter's hurtful behaviors</em> as you come to understand she is being victimized and manipulated too ~ and by a freaking master, at that ~ then I think you will do better.</p><p></p><p>Much of this is about taking our power back in our own lives.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Sometimes, we take out hurt out where we can. To me, your daughter is being victimized more coldly than you are. Though ex-Hubris Boy can hurt you through controlling, or at least, confusing, your daughter's understanding of who her mother is, he cannot hurt you, anymore. <em>He will have turned this onto his daughter ~ every belief system, everything you know that he said that was wrong in his thinking, he will be doing the same, pouring the same poisonous interpretations into your daughter. </em>That is probably why she refuses even to meet your new husband. She is hating him so that in her heart, she can protect you from the hurt the father, knowing exactly how to do what he was doing, will have set to burn. </p><p><em></em></p><p><em>This hurt, all of it, for you and for her, will have come from the ex-husband.</em> </p><p></p><p>So, if you should look for that card for your daughter, I would try to find one to bring back memories of those times and places between you and your daughter that Hubris boy was not aware of and so will not have been able to poison. If you can find that place, she will hear you. </p><p></p><p>That is the Sleeping Beauty kiss Copa posts about.</p><p></p><p>That place where love can break through.</p><p></p><p>She wants you. You are home to her; you are Mother.</p><p></p><p>Your ex kept you enthralled for forty years. This guy knows what he is doing.</p><p></p><p>You will need to be very wise.</p><p></p><p>Even your feeling that the daughter's behavior regarding your husband is reprehensible will have been orchestrated, I think, long distance by ex Hubris Boy. Which doesn't mean it's okay for her to do that. It isn't. But we will do better I think, if we can be very sure about who is listening to who about what in our families. Then, when we take a stand (and we will) we will know why, and it will be for the right reason.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is a victim, here.</p><p></p><p>She has been required to choose against her mother/herself.</p><p></p><p>And that is an impossible choice to make. If she were not hurt by her own actions, she would be casually interacting, not caring much one way or another. She isn't doing that. </p><p></p><p>She is very hurt by this, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Your daughter sounds lovely. How old are your grands, if you don't mind sharing with us?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673695, member: 17461"] How do you think you will proceed from here, wakeupcall? The father will have been using this time to whine and bemoan and accuse. He will have been lying, will have been watching the daughter's responses and tailoring his "poor, poor betrayed me" to deepening and manipulating her through them. I wonder whether you would be able to find just that right Hallmark card to send your daughter apropos of nothing ~ not a holiday, not a birthday. Nothing too mushy. Maybe, keeping a watch for that card can be a form of reclaiming your power in this situation. It seems that you are accepting the "person designated to be punished" role (I did that, too). There is no one to be punished, or to punish. You are out of it. The daughter will learn in time. If you could keep it light, keep it accepting, [I]begin to establish boundaries around the daughter's hurtful behaviors[/I] as you come to understand she is being victimized and manipulated too ~ and by a freaking master, at that ~ then I think you will do better. Much of this is about taking our power back in our own lives. Sometimes, we take out hurt out where we can. To me, your daughter is being victimized more coldly than you are. Though ex-Hubris Boy can hurt you through controlling, or at least, confusing, your daughter's understanding of who her mother is, he cannot hurt you, anymore. [I]He will have turned this onto his daughter ~ every belief system, everything you know that he said that was wrong in his thinking, he will be doing the same, pouring the same poisonous interpretations into your daughter. [/I]That is probably why she refuses even to meet your new husband. She is hating him so that in her heart, she can protect you from the hurt the father, knowing exactly how to do what he was doing, will have set to burn. [I] This hurt, all of it, for you and for her, will have come from the ex-husband.[/I] So, if you should look for that card for your daughter, I would try to find one to bring back memories of those times and places between you and your daughter that Hubris boy was not aware of and so will not have been able to poison. If you can find that place, she will hear you. That is the Sleeping Beauty kiss Copa posts about. That place where love can break through. She wants you. You are home to her; you are Mother. Your ex kept you enthralled for forty years. This guy knows what he is doing. You will need to be very wise. Even your feeling that the daughter's behavior regarding your husband is reprehensible will have been orchestrated, I think, long distance by ex Hubris Boy. Which doesn't mean it's okay for her to do that. It isn't. But we will do better I think, if we can be very sure about who is listening to who about what in our families. Then, when we take a stand (and we will) we will know why, and it will be for the right reason. Your daughter is a victim, here. She has been required to choose against her mother/herself. And that is an impossible choice to make. If she were not hurt by her own actions, she would be casually interacting, not caring much one way or another. She isn't doing that. She is very hurt by this, too. Cedar Your daughter sounds lovely. How old are your grands, if you don't mind sharing with us? [/QUOTE]
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