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Living in a war zone
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<blockquote data-quote="Origami" data-source="post: 713428" data-attributes="member: 18099"><p>Hi Davelouaz--</p><p>My situation has been very much like yours, so maybe I can lend some support. However, in my case, it was my husband who was giving the marching orders, and I was the one saying I'd never throw out my son, and also giving him money. Although I honestly agreed that it was unacceptable to allow a healthy young man to languish in his room all day doing essentially nothing, I had a hard time with the idea of kicking him out. My husband would get very upset with the situation (rightfully so), but finally said he would defer to me and try to be accepting of my reluctance. From the age of 15 to 20 (present), my son was very difficult, with behavior ranging from angry rages and fighting physically with his siblings, to indifference to any kind of interaction, hygiene, etc. He had a couple of jobs, but would get annoyed with someone and quit suddenly, so was essentially unemployed most of the time. He had also quit high school twice, got his GED, and also quit college after one semester.</p><p></p><p>My husband and I had many discussions about our son, and we had discussions with our son about our expectations, etc. After one bad episode of him fighting with his brother to the point where we called the police, we told him that he would have to move if we had to call the police again. That was the last time he had an outburst like that. I think the fact that we actually called the police (I called) made him think we might be serious. </p><p></p><p>I'd like to say that I successfully set boundaries and stopped enabling him, but that was really the only boundary that was set appropriately. However, he did eventually calm down and became easier to live with. Even though he lacked motivation, he would help with things around the house on request. Otherwise, he mainly stayed in his room with his video games, only occasionally coming out to go out with friends.</p><p></p><p>Now, at age 20, he's finally acting more like a human being. He got a decent job working 6 days a week, and has enlisted in the Army and will go to basic training in August. One positive thing he did was to see a therapist every week for the past few years. After a few false starts, he found a woman who wasn't intimidated by his bs and became a good source of guidance for him. So I think a combination of therapy and him simply growing up has helped him tremendously. Another good thing is that my son was not a drug user, so at least we didn't have that part to contend with. </p><p></p><p>My advice would be to make your relationship your priority and try to come to an agreement with your partner about what kind of boundaries you would both be willing to enforce. Your son's immature behavior is not worth losing your relationship over, but if you keep pushing to throw him out without her agreement, you're going to cause a bigger rift. She is still in "mom" mode and trying to protect her son, likely thinking of him as a little boy instead of a young man. He's still very young though, so maybe some patience is in order. Set some boundaries, and give him a chance to live up to them. Let him know what you two have agreed on, and let him be part of the conversation as an adult. Something like, "I think we can all agree that your current lifestyle isn't beneficial to you or to our family, so we'd like to let you know what we're going to expect from now on." Then present your expectations in a matter-of-fact way, allowing him to discuss with you if he will. If he gets angry or won't speak, then you've still laid out the new rules. </p><p></p><p>In hindsight, I wish I would have been stricter with insisting that our son apply for jobs every day or something of that nature instead of allowing the amount of lethargy that has existed. Maybe you could come up with a deadline for him to have a job (1 or 2 months? 6 months?) and make that his "move out" date if he isn't doing anything productive by then. Maybe you could agree to give him a set amount of money (small, like $15) a week for spending money or takeout, and beyond that he has to eat whatever's on hand at home whether he likes it or not. His mother needs to get away from the idea that he's a pampered guest and she's there to provide for him without him contributing. </p><p></p><p>I think with some heart-to-heart discussion (non-judgmental), you and your partner can gradually stop enabling and get more on the same page. Depending on your son's behavior and how he reacts to the boundaries you agree on, your partner will either join you in detaching, your son will eventually grow up, or (worst case scenario) nothing will change. It's up to you how much you can tolerate, but you do have a choice and don't need to accept living in a war zone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Origami, post: 713428, member: 18099"] Hi Davelouaz-- My situation has been very much like yours, so maybe I can lend some support. However, in my case, it was my husband who was giving the marching orders, and I was the one saying I'd never throw out my son, and also giving him money. Although I honestly agreed that it was unacceptable to allow a healthy young man to languish in his room all day doing essentially nothing, I had a hard time with the idea of kicking him out. My husband would get very upset with the situation (rightfully so), but finally said he would defer to me and try to be accepting of my reluctance. From the age of 15 to 20 (present), my son was very difficult, with behavior ranging from angry rages and fighting physically with his siblings, to indifference to any kind of interaction, hygiene, etc. He had a couple of jobs, but would get annoyed with someone and quit suddenly, so was essentially unemployed most of the time. He had also quit high school twice, got his GED, and also quit college after one semester. My husband and I had many discussions about our son, and we had discussions with our son about our expectations, etc. After one bad episode of him fighting with his brother to the point where we called the police, we told him that he would have to move if we had to call the police again. That was the last time he had an outburst like that. I think the fact that we actually called the police (I called) made him think we might be serious. I'd like to say that I successfully set boundaries and stopped enabling him, but that was really the only boundary that was set appropriately. However, he did eventually calm down and became easier to live with. Even though he lacked motivation, he would help with things around the house on request. Otherwise, he mainly stayed in his room with his video games, only occasionally coming out to go out with friends. Now, at age 20, he's finally acting more like a human being. He got a decent job working 6 days a week, and has enlisted in the Army and will go to basic training in August. One positive thing he did was to see a therapist every week for the past few years. After a few false starts, he found a woman who wasn't intimidated by his bs and became a good source of guidance for him. So I think a combination of therapy and him simply growing up has helped him tremendously. Another good thing is that my son was not a drug user, so at least we didn't have that part to contend with. My advice would be to make your relationship your priority and try to come to an agreement with your partner about what kind of boundaries you would both be willing to enforce. Your son's immature behavior is not worth losing your relationship over, but if you keep pushing to throw him out without her agreement, you're going to cause a bigger rift. She is still in "mom" mode and trying to protect her son, likely thinking of him as a little boy instead of a young man. He's still very young though, so maybe some patience is in order. Set some boundaries, and give him a chance to live up to them. Let him know what you two have agreed on, and let him be part of the conversation as an adult. Something like, "I think we can all agree that your current lifestyle isn't beneficial to you or to our family, so we'd like to let you know what we're going to expect from now on." Then present your expectations in a matter-of-fact way, allowing him to discuss with you if he will. If he gets angry or won't speak, then you've still laid out the new rules. In hindsight, I wish I would have been stricter with insisting that our son apply for jobs every day or something of that nature instead of allowing the amount of lethargy that has existed. Maybe you could come up with a deadline for him to have a job (1 or 2 months? 6 months?) and make that his "move out" date if he isn't doing anything productive by then. Maybe you could agree to give him a set amount of money (small, like $15) a week for spending money or takeout, and beyond that he has to eat whatever's on hand at home whether he likes it or not. His mother needs to get away from the idea that he's a pampered guest and she's there to provide for him without him contributing. I think with some heart-to-heart discussion (non-judgmental), you and your partner can gradually stop enabling and get more on the same page. Depending on your son's behavior and how he reacts to the boundaries you agree on, your partner will either join you in detaching, your son will eventually grow up, or (worst case scenario) nothing will change. It's up to you how much you can tolerate, but you do have a choice and don't need to accept living in a war zone. [/QUOTE]
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