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Substance Abuse
Lonely adult son
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<blockquote data-quote="WannabeAgoodFather" data-source="post: 712632" data-attributes="member: 21165"><p>Francesca,</p><p></p><p>Read through my experience as it will help you understanding what you are facing in near future so you will not be surprised once other things happen. Your son is in so much better position than mine. After dropping out of college, my stepson moved back home. We thought he'd come back with his tail in between his legs but he was obnoxious and justified every single thing he did. My wife begged me to go to a therapy with her so I went. I asked her 3 or more times during the session that if she'd do what the counsellor was telling us. I was always ready to pull the trigger as what therapist said were exactly the same as I was telling my wife what we should do for a long time. My wife said "Yes. I'd do it" but got manipulated by her son every single time and never followed up. As a result, things had never gotten better one day as it got worse everyday. Everyday was fight, arguing and screaming in the house.</p><p></p><p>I totally understand your husband as he must be so frustrated right now. I, myself tried so hard to talk to my stepson but he never listened to a one word for 7 years. You can't make a 19 year old to do things he doesn't want to do unless it is ordered by the court. A 19 year old thinks he is an adult and all the decisions he makes are good for him. After that, your son is the only person that can make a change. We are all outsiders trying to help. I think this is an important fact that you should realize.</p><p></p><p>Your son lying about going to school is not good. Try to find out what he does with his money earned from his weekend job. We learned that most of his money went to drugs and other fancy stuff he wanted to buy. He had never saved money to do any positive things. So be careful and trace his spending pattern.</p><p></p><p>Think positive. There are so many people here with facing a lot worse conditions everyday.</p><p></p><p>Staying in his room all day, claiming depression are very common method they use to make you feel bad. That is when enabling kicks in. You feel sorry and think it is all your fault would do that. Once you start to become an enabler like my wife did, things will get a lot worse as I experienced it. There is a book I think it is called "Setting boundaries with adult child" or something like that my supporters here recommended me to read really helped. You should read few books about the same issue you are facing.</p><p></p><p>Again, crying, depression and other things that could get you in your head isn't 100% correct. You need to be able to distinguish whether things are correct or just playing with your head. My stepson got prescription for Klonopin for depression. However, he crushed them and snorted it with other drugs. Of course we are in State of California, he went and got his medical marijuana license claiming he has depression and anxiety issues. Therefore It became legal for him to smoke pot.. Not a good way... I do not know what State you are in but medical marijuana thing is an 2 edge sword.</p><p></p><p>After a year or so, I decided to cut my stepson off from our insurance plan but it did not do anything. My wife begged me to get him back on the insurance plan before he left the house, I said "NO" as I know it won't do any good. Rehabs won't work 100% as he could stay sober to get it over but it doesn't guarantee he will remain sober. Therefore, I personally do not believe in it. It is just my personal opinion as everyone is different. It is his will to stay sober. A rehab and therapy could work for lots of people but don't give you 100% he will be off forever. Your son is the only person can make a real change. We could be supporters but can change for him. Make sure he doesn't go into other drugs..</p><p></p><p>I had a full 2 year of hell in my own house because of 1 person with issues. It took 2 years for me to persuade an enabling mother to get him out of the house. Prepare yourself for a long battle.. One little step at a time.. If your son is determined, he will appreciate your help and get better. Keep posting and share your concerns and get supports from other members here as it helped me a lot. This place is the only place I could vent....</p><p></p><p>Brian</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WannabeAgoodFather, post: 712632, member: 21165"] Francesca, Read through my experience as it will help you understanding what you are facing in near future so you will not be surprised once other things happen. Your son is in so much better position than mine. After dropping out of college, my stepson moved back home. We thought he'd come back with his tail in between his legs but he was obnoxious and justified every single thing he did. My wife begged me to go to a therapy with her so I went. I asked her 3 or more times during the session that if she'd do what the counsellor was telling us. I was always ready to pull the trigger as what therapist said were exactly the same as I was telling my wife what we should do for a long time. My wife said "Yes. I'd do it" but got manipulated by her son every single time and never followed up. As a result, things had never gotten better one day as it got worse everyday. Everyday was fight, arguing and screaming in the house. I totally understand your husband as he must be so frustrated right now. I, myself tried so hard to talk to my stepson but he never listened to a one word for 7 years. You can't make a 19 year old to do things he doesn't want to do unless it is ordered by the court. A 19 year old thinks he is an adult and all the decisions he makes are good for him. After that, your son is the only person that can make a change. We are all outsiders trying to help. I think this is an important fact that you should realize. Your son lying about going to school is not good. Try to find out what he does with his money earned from his weekend job. We learned that most of his money went to drugs and other fancy stuff he wanted to buy. He had never saved money to do any positive things. So be careful and trace his spending pattern. Think positive. There are so many people here with facing a lot worse conditions everyday. Staying in his room all day, claiming depression are very common method they use to make you feel bad. That is when enabling kicks in. You feel sorry and think it is all your fault would do that. Once you start to become an enabler like my wife did, things will get a lot worse as I experienced it. There is a book I think it is called "Setting boundaries with adult child" or something like that my supporters here recommended me to read really helped. You should read few books about the same issue you are facing. Again, crying, depression and other things that could get you in your head isn't 100% correct. You need to be able to distinguish whether things are correct or just playing with your head. My stepson got prescription for Klonopin for depression. However, he crushed them and snorted it with other drugs. Of course we are in State of California, he went and got his medical marijuana license claiming he has depression and anxiety issues. Therefore It became legal for him to smoke pot.. Not a good way... I do not know what State you are in but medical marijuana thing is an 2 edge sword. After a year or so, I decided to cut my stepson off from our insurance plan but it did not do anything. My wife begged me to get him back on the insurance plan before he left the house, I said "NO" as I know it won't do any good. Rehabs won't work 100% as he could stay sober to get it over but it doesn't guarantee he will remain sober. Therefore, I personally do not believe in it. It is just my personal opinion as everyone is different. It is his will to stay sober. A rehab and therapy could work for lots of people but don't give you 100% he will be off forever. Your son is the only person can make a real change. We could be supporters but can change for him. Make sure he doesn't go into other drugs.. I had a full 2 year of hell in my own house because of 1 person with issues. It took 2 years for me to persuade an enabling mother to get him out of the house. Prepare yourself for a long battle.. One little step at a time.. If your son is determined, he will appreciate your help and get better. Keep posting and share your concerns and get supports from other members here as it helped me a lot. This place is the only place I could vent.... Brian [/QUOTE]
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