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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710306" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Penny, I am right there with you. I go from utter despair and depletion...to "back to the drawing board." I do not see this as inconsistency. I see it as a natural consequence of commitment to a result over which I have no control.</p><p></p><p>Just as you, I do not see the option of turning my back completely. So I commit to a situation over which I have no real control. There is only love, hope and responsibility. No, I am not responsible for my son, or for his life. But I do feel responsible for being the parent of an adult who has struggled as a child, and struggles as an adult.</p><p></p><p>But in our case, I do see change. It is slow. It is not on my terms. I would want more. But my son is changing and he is changing for the better.</p><p></p><p>In your case, you are all that baby really has at this point. You know why you are doing this. You are as clear as a bell.</p><p></p><p>You are not doing it for the Mom. While your son may be in there to some extent as a motivator, he is on the periphery.</p><p></p><p>This is a clear, intentional decision on your part. You have no guarantees. Only hope and love and commitment. You are not doing it for any other reason than this. The idea that your son would be appreciative is neither here nor there. I believe one day he will be able to see it.</p><p></p><p>But I know how it feels in down moments. When you wonder, "what's it all about Alfie?"</p><p>(Old movie. Old song. Forgive me.)</p><p></p><p>But that is a feeling: you know with all your heart and all your soul, why.</p><p></p><p>If your son is anything like my own, you lack leverage. These kids control the game, and they know it. Until there is buy in, you are talking to the wind. I do not know what to tell you. He will do what he decides. I do not know what to tell you about that. Of course he should get a second job. Of course you are extending yourself beyond your capacity. But what can you do? I cannot think of anything. Maybe somebody can, but I cannot.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking here about Tishthedish. About 18 months ago her 4 year old autistic grandson was seized by CPS when he ran into a highway naked. The mother was arrested I think for child endangerment. The son I believe had substance issues, but is a loving father. The parents lost their rights, at least temporarily. Tish and her husband stepped in for the year. She did not know if her son would step up, or not. Her grandson faced adoption by another family. It was heartbreaking and terrifying for her. She was over her head. She barely posted.</p><p></p><p>It worked out. The father regained custody and the mother is now in substance abuse treatment and recovering. The baby is still with family.</p><p></p><p>You guys are my heroes.</p><p></p><p>I just wanted to say Hi. I have no advice to give. But I send hugs and my admiration.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710306, member: 18958"] Penny, I am right there with you. I go from utter despair and depletion...to "back to the drawing board." I do not see this as inconsistency. I see it as a natural consequence of commitment to a result over which I have no control. Just as you, I do not see the option of turning my back completely. So I commit to a situation over which I have no real control. There is only love, hope and responsibility. No, I am not responsible for my son, or for his life. But I do feel responsible for being the parent of an adult who has struggled as a child, and struggles as an adult. But in our case, I do see change. It is slow. It is not on my terms. I would want more. But my son is changing and he is changing for the better. In your case, you are all that baby really has at this point. You know why you are doing this. You are as clear as a bell. You are not doing it for the Mom. While your son may be in there to some extent as a motivator, he is on the periphery. This is a clear, intentional decision on your part. You have no guarantees. Only hope and love and commitment. You are not doing it for any other reason than this. The idea that your son would be appreciative is neither here nor there. I believe one day he will be able to see it. But I know how it feels in down moments. When you wonder, "what's it all about Alfie?" (Old movie. Old song. Forgive me.) But that is a feeling: you know with all your heart and all your soul, why. If your son is anything like my own, you lack leverage. These kids control the game, and they know it. Until there is buy in, you are talking to the wind. I do not know what to tell you. He will do what he decides. I do not know what to tell you about that. Of course he should get a second job. Of course you are extending yourself beyond your capacity. But what can you do? I cannot think of anything. Maybe somebody can, but I cannot. I am thinking here about Tishthedish. About 18 months ago her 4 year old autistic grandson was seized by CPS when he ran into a highway naked. The mother was arrested I think for child endangerment. The son I believe had substance issues, but is a loving father. The parents lost their rights, at least temporarily. Tish and her husband stepped in for the year. She did not know if her son would step up, or not. Her grandson faced adoption by another family. It was heartbreaking and terrifying for her. She was over her head. She barely posted. It worked out. The father regained custody and the mother is now in substance abuse treatment and recovering. The baby is still with family. You guys are my heroes. I just wanted to say Hi. I have no advice to give. But I send hugs and my admiration. [/QUOTE]
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