Thank you all
....for your replies and support and encouragement.
Your replies are so right on point, and what I need to hear over and over. Just knowing folks are visiting the forum and reading and learning and growing from each other’s posts and experiences is healing. It lets us all know we are not alone and that others understand the confusion and weariness and heartache, and allows us to safely empty ourselves without shame or blame. Often when I read others’ stories, I don’t know what to say (as I am just now recognizing my enabling and my detachment), so I do not often post elsewhere, but I remember you all in thoughts and gratitude.
After my GKs left this past Sunday, I have not seen my son again these past days. I have no idea where he is. This frequent disappearing for days is his M.O. I don’t need to know. But it has left me being the one to start moving his stuff out of the house. This is not a surprise. Since he had not begun to take steps since my advance notice in September, I figured he was not about to take initiative to remove his stuff on his own. So it’s in the works / making progress / just want to be done with it and change the lock.
I’m awed how your wisdom has shown me a new positive perspective in making our children leave home … not to look at it as “kicking our kids out”, but to consider this move in the following light and images you shared.
Cedar said: challenges and responsibilities in our lives have matured us into the adult... people we are. Do not take that opportunity away from your son.
and: Your son is a man…He cannot be a man, cannot step into his manhood, living at home.
New leaf said: You are doing the right thing in giving your son his wings.
Childofmine said: Letting go of people IS the best thing for them... When we don't, we rob them…the highest and best form of love is letting people go and loving them as they go, no matter what they do.
Seeking Peace reminded: it helps to remember those things (.. re: when they are up front in your face) when you feel your resolve dwindling.
Tanya, I liked your analogy relating “lack of feeling” to the callous building up for protection. It actually makes the worker more efficient and he can be more focused on the task at hand without always wincing from the pain. I guess this is the value of detachment.
I will see how it works out on the weekends with the GKs visiting their dad here. I will give it a chance and test the waters. Thank you all for your input. I do see the need to have defined boundaries and expectations for son and consequences and preparation to follow through. Husband is also eager to be rid of son, at times expressing total disgust with him, but other times he also shows feelings of pity. I’m sharing with him about my new real feeling of detachment and recent “lack of feeling.” Husband wants GKs here as much as possible - he enjoys the short fun periods of time he has with them, but all the serious childcare from morn to night, with follow up and discipline is usually falling to me (I’m tired when they stay from Friday to Sunday.) The dad is quite useless most of the time as previously explained.
I am so relieved to have found this site and am amazed at the sincere care and effort of each person to share their heart in an honest, straight forward way, cutting to the heart of the matter. This is the first support group I ever opened up to. I am learning so much here. Cedar said “A small beginning, a small change in how we see our situations can set us off in a new direction.” I have made a small change in finally realizing that all my attempts to help Difficult Child were really enabling. I waited longer than I should have in realizing this truth and have seen a lot of money go down the drain. We are now headed in a new direction.
Thank you all.
