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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 623337" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Peg, have you read Patricia Evans' books? </p><p></p><p>My husband can be verbally abusive, too. <u>The Verbally Abusive Relationship </u>has been lifesaving for me, in that it contains stories/impressions/healing strategies. The dynamic behind verbal abuse is well explained. </p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.patricaevans.com" target="_blank">www.patriciaevans.com</a></p><p></p><p>I agree with Recovering that as we grow through what happens with our children, we no longer see any reason to tolerate bad behavior in our other relationships. </p><p></p><p>husband and I talk about this all the time. He doesn't like to admit to the abuse. (Sometimes? He claims to forget it happened. Or, he says I am overreacting. Other times, he says I am the verbally abusive one. Eventually, he apologizes; generally, he admits he is depressed. Over the kids, over the fact that I am gone alot just lately, over the weather. Just lately, I am trying to figure out whether this is just a sneaky way of getting to be abusive and then forgiven, or what. The thing is that, especially once you know the dynamic, recognize what is happening, and stop believing any of it has anything to do with you...the husband doesn't look very bright or pleasant or trustworthy or anything very desirable at all.</p><p> </p><p>The spell is broken.</p><p></p><p>You see abusive behavior for the pointless, cheap shot it is. </p><p></p><p>Pointless being the operative word, here.</p><p></p><p>Pointless and stupidly hurtful.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing to heal, nothing to help him through. You are in as much pain as he is, and you are not abusing him. </p><p></p><p>Remember that it isn't only about what you got, about what did happen. It is even more about how you would feel right now if your husband had been supportive instead of abusive. How much stronger you would both be right now! Instead, he picked this cheap, pointless, hurtful, timewasting behavior.</p><p></p><p>Oops!</p><p></p><p>Slipped into my own world for a minute, there!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Your husband is using your subconscious beliefs about marital "sexual rights" to control you. This has nothing to do with sex or sexual needs. (Cedar goes a little ballistic and comes back to Earth, here.) This is a control issue for your husband.</p><p></p><p>I don't think that kind of thing is legal in America.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps you might inform your husband that, these days, what he wants to do is called rape.</p><p></p><p>You might also remind your husband, before you go to therapy, whose name it is, printed right beside his on every checkbook, bank account, and credit card in your mutual possession.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening to you, Peg. It isn't going to be easy, at first? At first, you will believe him when he says it's something you bring out in him. Or the kids bring out in him. Or your mother brings out in him. Then, one day, you will see it so clearly, Peg.</p><p></p><p>After that, you never see abusive behaviors in the same way, again. Abusive people mean to do what they do. They do it on purpose, and to the extent they can get away with.</p><p></p><p>You will be much happier if your husband moves out. In fact, you might call a women's shelter in your area to find out what kind of help is available for you if he does move out and you need to press charges against him for support.</p><p></p><p>You have the power to demand better of your husband, Peg. If you aren't married for the joy of it, then why be married?</p><p></p><p>It will make you stronger still if you begin to think about what life would be like if you were married to someone who had his priorities right. If you were married to someone who intended to have joy in his life, in his marriage, in his relationship with his kids. </p><p></p><p>Anything else, anything less?</p><p></p><p>Not acceptable.</p><p></p><p>Cedar </p><p></p><p>husband will not agree with this. Keep thinking about it in light of the joy you could have, should have, in your marriage. Not fear Peg, but joy. Soon enough, unless your husband changes, it will not matter what he thinks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 623337, member: 17461"] Peg, have you read Patricia Evans' books? My husband can be verbally abusive, too. [U]The Verbally Abusive Relationship [/U]has been lifesaving for me, in that it contains stories/impressions/healing strategies. The dynamic behind verbal abuse is well explained. [URL='http://www.patricaevans.com']www.patriciaevans.com[/URL] I agree with Recovering that as we grow through what happens with our children, we no longer see any reason to tolerate bad behavior in our other relationships. husband and I talk about this all the time. He doesn't like to admit to the abuse. (Sometimes? He claims to forget it happened. Or, he says I am overreacting. Other times, he says I am the verbally abusive one. Eventually, he apologizes; generally, he admits he is depressed. Over the kids, over the fact that I am gone alot just lately, over the weather. Just lately, I am trying to figure out whether this is just a sneaky way of getting to be abusive and then forgiven, or what. The thing is that, especially once you know the dynamic, recognize what is happening, and stop believing any of it has anything to do with you...the husband doesn't look very bright or pleasant or trustworthy or anything very desirable at all. The spell is broken. You see abusive behavior for the pointless, cheap shot it is. Pointless being the operative word, here. Pointless and stupidly hurtful. There is nothing to heal, nothing to help him through. You are in as much pain as he is, and you are not abusing him. Remember that it isn't only about what you got, about what did happen. It is even more about how you would feel right now if your husband had been supportive instead of abusive. How much stronger you would both be right now! Instead, he picked this cheap, pointless, hurtful, timewasting behavior. Oops! Slipped into my own world for a minute, there! :O) Your husband is using your subconscious beliefs about marital "sexual rights" to control you. This has nothing to do with sex or sexual needs. (Cedar goes a little ballistic and comes back to Earth, here.) This is a control issue for your husband. I don't think that kind of thing is legal in America. Perhaps you might inform your husband that, these days, what he wants to do is called rape. You might also remind your husband, before you go to therapy, whose name it is, printed right beside his on every checkbook, bank account, and credit card in your mutual possession. I am sorry this is happening to you, Peg. It isn't going to be easy, at first? At first, you will believe him when he says it's something you bring out in him. Or the kids bring out in him. Or your mother brings out in him. Then, one day, you will see it so clearly, Peg. After that, you never see abusive behaviors in the same way, again. Abusive people mean to do what they do. They do it on purpose, and to the extent they can get away with. You will be much happier if your husband moves out. In fact, you might call a women's shelter in your area to find out what kind of help is available for you if he does move out and you need to press charges against him for support. You have the power to demand better of your husband, Peg. If you aren't married for the joy of it, then why be married? It will make you stronger still if you begin to think about what life would be like if you were married to someone who had his priorities right. If you were married to someone who intended to have joy in his life, in his marriage, in his relationship with his kids. Anything else, anything less? Not acceptable. Cedar husband will not agree with this. Keep thinking about it in light of the joy you could have, should have, in your marriage. Not fear Peg, but joy. Soon enough, unless your husband changes, it will not matter what he thinks. [/QUOTE]
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