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marriage exercise
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 421745" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>I'm sorry things are still such a struggle. I think we all wish marriages/relationships weren't "work", but at times it is only realistic that it does take work. I agree with the poster who said lists like this can be hurtful. Yours was a perfect example. You worded yours one way, he worded his a different way. His way probably came off sounding very negative and can lead someone to believe they aren't good enough or not what the other person wants. The fact that he is there tells me he wants the marriage to work more than to accept it failing. It also sounds like neither of you know how to get to a better place or make yourselves AND each other happy with all that is going on. But it does sound like you both are putting in efforts in one manner or another, just perhaps not knowing exactly how to help the other feel good about the efforts. (your example of pizza for example. you did as he said he needed/wanted: saving dinner. You put in effort where he asked. He was unable to see it, he just saw it was pizza which you know he doesn't like. Missed point on his part that you were giving what he asked for. Now it isn't like he left that morning saying : if you have pizza, would you mind making something simple and quick for me that isn't a ton of work since you know I don't like pizza. Communication left half explained leads to assumptions, meaning you assumed he'd want pizza saved since that was dinner. Know what I mean??)</p><p></p><p>This might not work for either of you but I was thinking maybe a variation of "the list". How about each morning you both leave a note for the other with 2 things written on it you both need from each other that day. His might say: 1) I'd enjoy 30 minutes of your undivided time/attention when I get in from work today and 2) I'd really enjoy having dinner ready that can be anything so long as its something you know I don't hate. Yours might say : 1) I would enjoy a 15 minute back rub tonight after kids go to bed where we just sit quiet together and feel connected while I let my body unwind and feel pampered. and 2) I would love it if you could properly put away all of the folded laundry I have completed in the proper rooms/drawers/cupboards.</p><p></p><p>Instead of focusing on what is driving you both crazy or what needs you both feel aren't being met, set yourselves up for at least 2 successes each per day. Over time, it will become obvious to you both what things mean a lot more to each other than you might have both known. Even the small things, when done successfully and in spite of any barriers, add up in terms of feeling appreciated, heard etc. (So even if the kids are going at it when he walks in, if his request was 30 minutes of you time when he gets in, the law is laid down to the kids that husband is priority for next 30 minutes and any mischief gotten into will be handled firmly and swiftly, in other words: don't mess with this time! Likewise, if your request was the laundry thing, being tired etc doesn't matter. It gets done. Both of you ensure the requests are met, period). None of this will make the "issues" disappear overnight. But injecting 2 reasons to feel heard each day and prioritized that day is going to feel good for both of you. Goodwill can come back given time and daily reasons to feel thanked and thankful. Things like this can snowball. Daily commitment to each others small scale needs will make reason to feel positive each day. Suddenly you will do the 2 things asked but also remember how often he lists a certain thing and do it anyhow just because you know it means something, and vice versa. It just sounds like perhaps an approach that eliminates all negativity and focuses on practical measures. This is also a good lesson for the kids to learn. That their parents are putting themselves and their marriage and each other on the priority list and everyone WILL respect it because it is not negotiable. Just as we don't stop fighting with our struggling children, our relationships when having hard times deserve our fighting spirits too. When we know certain tactics dont' work with our difficult children, we find a new path and try that one. We don't list our annoyances with our children in a list of do betters. We do lists of positive acts they can do to regain our trust or respect or rewards because the damage to their self worth/esteem is huge if we list the problems as negatives. Your marriage sounds like a difficult child situation: one size doesn't fit all and the situation requires help right now. Basket A and B and C. It applies to troubled relationships too if you really bring it down to basics. What REALLy matters to you both each morning? That's your two things right there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 421745, member: 4264"] I'm sorry things are still such a struggle. I think we all wish marriages/relationships weren't "work", but at times it is only realistic that it does take work. I agree with the poster who said lists like this can be hurtful. Yours was a perfect example. You worded yours one way, he worded his a different way. His way probably came off sounding very negative and can lead someone to believe they aren't good enough or not what the other person wants. The fact that he is there tells me he wants the marriage to work more than to accept it failing. It also sounds like neither of you know how to get to a better place or make yourselves AND each other happy with all that is going on. But it does sound like you both are putting in efforts in one manner or another, just perhaps not knowing exactly how to help the other feel good about the efforts. (your example of pizza for example. you did as he said he needed/wanted: saving dinner. You put in effort where he asked. He was unable to see it, he just saw it was pizza which you know he doesn't like. Missed point on his part that you were giving what he asked for. Now it isn't like he left that morning saying : if you have pizza, would you mind making something simple and quick for me that isn't a ton of work since you know I don't like pizza. Communication left half explained leads to assumptions, meaning you assumed he'd want pizza saved since that was dinner. Know what I mean??) This might not work for either of you but I was thinking maybe a variation of "the list". How about each morning you both leave a note for the other with 2 things written on it you both need from each other that day. His might say: 1) I'd enjoy 30 minutes of your undivided time/attention when I get in from work today and 2) I'd really enjoy having dinner ready that can be anything so long as its something you know I don't hate. Yours might say : 1) I would enjoy a 15 minute back rub tonight after kids go to bed where we just sit quiet together and feel connected while I let my body unwind and feel pampered. and 2) I would love it if you could properly put away all of the folded laundry I have completed in the proper rooms/drawers/cupboards. Instead of focusing on what is driving you both crazy or what needs you both feel aren't being met, set yourselves up for at least 2 successes each per day. Over time, it will become obvious to you both what things mean a lot more to each other than you might have both known. Even the small things, when done successfully and in spite of any barriers, add up in terms of feeling appreciated, heard etc. (So even if the kids are going at it when he walks in, if his request was 30 minutes of you time when he gets in, the law is laid down to the kids that husband is priority for next 30 minutes and any mischief gotten into will be handled firmly and swiftly, in other words: don't mess with this time! Likewise, if your request was the laundry thing, being tired etc doesn't matter. It gets done. Both of you ensure the requests are met, period). None of this will make the "issues" disappear overnight. But injecting 2 reasons to feel heard each day and prioritized that day is going to feel good for both of you. Goodwill can come back given time and daily reasons to feel thanked and thankful. Things like this can snowball. Daily commitment to each others small scale needs will make reason to feel positive each day. Suddenly you will do the 2 things asked but also remember how often he lists a certain thing and do it anyhow just because you know it means something, and vice versa. It just sounds like perhaps an approach that eliminates all negativity and focuses on practical measures. This is also a good lesson for the kids to learn. That their parents are putting themselves and their marriage and each other on the priority list and everyone WILL respect it because it is not negotiable. Just as we don't stop fighting with our struggling children, our relationships when having hard times deserve our fighting spirits too. When we know certain tactics dont' work with our difficult children, we find a new path and try that one. We don't list our annoyances with our children in a list of do betters. We do lists of positive acts they can do to regain our trust or respect or rewards because the damage to their self worth/esteem is huge if we list the problems as negatives. Your marriage sounds like a difficult child situation: one size doesn't fit all and the situation requires help right now. Basket A and B and C. It applies to troubled relationships too if you really bring it down to basics. What REALLy matters to you both each morning? That's your two things right there. [/QUOTE]
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