Meeting at school about ds-6/ school filing 51A neglect/please read...advice needed~

[jcox]

Today we had a meeting at school to discuss my ds who is six. As some of you might have read in my previous posts he has the diagnoses of Bipolar II with Rapid Cycling, ADHD, Cognitive Disorder with Executive Functions Weakness, and Sensory Processing Disorder. He has had several problems at school for which he has gotten suspended five times for. Tuesday afternoon he got suspended again for sexual harassment. He grabbed his one on one aides vaginal area.

The meeting at school today did not go so well , and it really ****** me off how people do not understand his diagnoses and the symptoms that come along with them. At the meeting were the principal, SPED director, his SPED teacher, superintendant of schools, his previous counselor from school, his current school counselor, myself, and Elijah's FST worker.

First they started off saying how they just want the best for him, but that they also need to keep the other children and staff safe at school. Quickly it turned into another this child needs to be hospitalized meeting. They obviously have no idea how to deal with him, how to help him, or how to accomodate him. They want me to put him in the hospital. I told them how that would not gaurantee him a trouble free future or necessarily make him stabilized. I tried explaining that would not prevent him from having mental health issues. It seems to me that they are under the impression that if I hospitalize him then he will be some perfect child. I told them that his psychiatrist said he does not need hospitalization right now, but that we are going to Boston tomorrow to see a new one. Then they started questioning his diagnoses and why he has so many. I asked them if they were psychiatrists. ..

Then the current counselor at his school tells me that she has worked with children like Elijah but they have not been hypersexual like him. She said it is normal for children to talk about sexual things, but not act them out. She said because he touches sexually it gives her every reason to believe that he has been sexually abused. Then the principal of the school tells me straight out that he is filing a 51A on me, not because he suspects my son has been abused or neglected, but because "he does not feel" that I am "providing Elijah with all the services he needs such as hospitalization, that his needs are not being met, and that more can be done". That ****** me off. Tears started falling down my face.

I have a communication book with the teacher and aid that I write in about how his mornings went and if there were any issues. One morning Elijah hit a little girl on the head downstairs with a remote. I wrote it in his book so that the teacher and aid could know to watch out for his agressiveness. They are using everything I say in that book against me when I was trying to help them. I am going to stop writing much in it. I will just write good morning, hyper morning, not the best morning and leave it at that. The principal used that against me saying he is scared for the safety of the other children in my house. He then asked me if my son runs out of the house. I told him we have alarms on all the doors. I hate his new principal so much. The first day I met him I did not like him.

As for his counselor at school, I had good relations with his other one from his old school where he was in regular kindergarten. I wonder if I can request that he sees her since he is technically still in kindergarten and she is the k-2 counselor... the one he sees now is the 3rd and 4th grade counselor. My son is the only kindergartener at his school... the rest of it is preschool, third and fourth. That was the only appropriate class they could find for him. They say it is legal because there are no more than forty eight months between my son and the oldest child in the class. She seems to understand him better, where his new one just thinks he is being abused and that is why he acts this way.

The school is lost and has no idea what to do with him. They tell me that if I have him hospitalized that when he comes out the hospital would give the school some recomendations about what to do. I keep telling them that I know he would do better in the alternative school in the next town over because they are trained for children with social emotional and behavioral issues like my son. They are refusing to send him there. Today they made the comment that it would be like putting a bandaid on a broken arm and if I had a broken arm would sitting in a different chair make it all better.

I am worried about DCF coming to my house but I am kind of glad the principal told me he was filing. I don't want them to take my children. The SPED director said he knows I do all I can for Elijah, the school reports even IEP meeting notes always say "Elijah is always well groomed and cared for". I feel like I have a good relationship with the SPED director. I am so scared... I do everything I can for my son. I don't want to hospitalize him because he is only six years old. He is not suicidal... if he was believe me we would be right at the hospital. Even his psychiatrist (whom let me note he has only been seeing for a month) told me in his professional opinion Elijah does not need hospitalization at this time. If he told me Elijah did I would have found a way to send him. I listen to the psychiatrists and FST, but feel that the school has no right to demand that I get him hospitalized and filing abuse/neglect charges against me because I am not. The principal then had the nerve to tell me well he could have reported Elijah's behavior to the District Attorney's office to but he didn't and is not going to.

I asked our FST worker that was at the meeting with me if in her opinion she believes he needs to be hospitalized. She said she is stuck and does not know what to suggest, because no he does not fit the criteria of suicidal or a risk to the safety of others, but he needs to be stabilized. She just told me to talk to the psychiatrists in Boston tomorrow when we go to see what they suggest. I was thinking that we should have him placed somewhere so it would look better for DCF but she does not think that is necessary. I am so confused and don't know what to do. I know that DCF will be coming to my house one day soon, most likely at the beginning of next week because he said he was filing today. Has anyone else ever dealt with DCF because of thier bipolar children? What was the outcome?

Please help me by offfering any suggestions or thoughts you have concerning my son, the school, or what ever. I feel really lost right now and have no idea what to do. I just want what is best for him.

Janice

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello jcox--

I think that the very first thing that I would do, were I in your shoes, would be to consult an attorney...

I am not sure that, legally, they can force any sort of medical treatment on your child.

 

[butterflydreams]

This infuriates me!!! I am so mad for what you are going through. Why do these school people think they know everything? Uhhh hypersexuality can be a symptom of bipolar. What makes them think that a child who more than likely has poor impulse control wouldn't act on it. Geez.

I have a similar problem with the school people in my son's school, he is in middle school. He has major anxiety with school and has a history of school refusal. He is diagnosed rapid cycle bipolar with intermittent psychotic features. When he is having a bad time, there is NO getting him out the door to school, consequently when he is at school he is fairly ok. Well, his counselor has told me that she doesn't see the behavior that I am telling her about regarding the reasons that he hasn't been to school. I talked to her this morning along with the school nurse to let them know that my son was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. She again was telling me that she isn't seeing at school the behaviors that I have discussed. I have told her that is because if he is not doing well, he doesn't go. She threatened me last with with filing a educational neglect on me because of his school refusal. She said that if they don't see the behaviors there at school then it to them is just flat out school refusal.

Aggravating.

I am so sorry they are filing the 51A on you. You are doing everything you can. The psychiatrist does not believe that your son needs to be hospitalized, this backs up what you are saying. If the psychiatrist wanted your son hospitalized and you refused - that would be different. I have never been down this road before, but I think that they have no basis and their claim will go unfounded - it is just unfortunate that you have to go through this.

Sending hugs and support your way,

Christy

 

[slsh]

Janice - deep breath, hon. I know the prospect of dealing with DCF is absolutely terrifying, but I see a ton of positives here.

First off, you have school staff, who did *not* go to medical school, trying to dictate medical treatment. Uh... no. Secondly, you have a psychiatrist who *did* go to medical school saying hospitalization is not necessary. psychiatrist trumps SD bureaucrat every time. Thirdly, you are actively seeking additional opinions on appropriate treatment strategies for your son.

Principal *is* correct - more can be done for your son, like education of school staff on bipolar disorder and associated behaviors, including hypersexual. Grrrr. Probably won't help you, but my son did the exact same stuff at about the same age.

Get names and #s of therapists, psychiatrists, etc together. If you haven't done a parent report, try to get one together. http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=225

Have all this ready for if/when DCF shows up.

It sounds like SD wants your son "fixed" and that they think a hospitalization will "cure" him. Nope. Again, they need some serious education and if/when DCF shows up, I would point that out to them and also document what information you have already given SD.

Don't panic. Our SD called DCF on us years ago, for a rug burn that I pointed out to SD that occurred during a restraint (which we had been trained by therapist to do, by the way). We had no warning and of course the DCF guy showed up on the rare day that I had pulled up carpets and moved all the furniture to do a massive cleaning, LOL. House was a *disaster*. It worked out fine - I had phone #'s, documentation of multiple hospitalizations and interventions, etc.

Another quick thought - since SD is concerned about "safety" of other kids, get your safety plan together. In our family, I had my then 5 y/o son take his then 2 y/o sister and go into my bedroom and lock the door if thank you was wigging out (thank you was a very violent kiddo). I would move my oldest to a room where thank you wasn't, and then I would deal with thank you. thank you was always eyes-on supervision when he was awake.

Hang in there!

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi Janice,
no one will take your son away from you.
Call an attorney. Teachers are not qualified to give medical dxes. But they are telling you that he is mentally ill, in a nutshell. You can tell them that, but they cannot tell you that. They cannot force you to hospitalize your son.

Get your psychiatrist's opinion in writing. Be very calm (Breathe!!!) when you talk to him, and explain that the school is filing against you and you need an expert medical opinion.

What really irks me is that you requested that your son be transferred to a very appropriate environment, an alternative school, and they refused.

If it makes you feel any better, yrs ago, my husband had to get a court order to be transferred to another school, when he was beaten by kids at the original school. They had been intimidating and beating kids daily for yrs, but when they threw my husband down the stairs and broke his arm and ribs, his mom finally took it to court.
Sometimes, that's what you have to do.

There ARE other schools out there that can handle your child.
You just have to find a way to get there and it may just take legal action.
A visit from DCF may be just what you need. You can turn this whole thing around and get the DCF worker on your side. Pull out a book on bipolar and show him or her where it clearly says that bipolar kids can be hypersexual.
Show him the notebook you've been keeping.
You can do it!
I'm in your cheering section.

Take a walk. Take a bath. Take a break.
Then put your nose to the grindstone.

 

[artana]

Terry,
I echo the other suggestions about getting an attorney and a Special Education advocate. Your son should be in a school better suited to his needs. You can go to the school board and put the principal in hot water over his treatment of a special needs student. I think an attorney would know what to do. Here hoping this gets resolved.

 

[Jena]

That is soo weird I posted a response and it didn't go up. Weird.

Ok everyones giving you great stuff to think about. I am sorry you are going thru this I truly am. Schools can be quite clueless at times.

Does he have any provisions right now at school to addresss all of these behaviors and also his diagnosis?? And yes BiPolar (BP) is classic kids are overly sexual and inappropriate. For them to even suggest that their may be some type of sexual abuse going on makes me sick. How dare they.

Can you get a hold of your doctor's at all have them write a letter to the school stating that his behaviors go hand and hand with a child with whom is diagnosis with bipolar? I'd have that on you as well when they show up, along with a copy of his diagnosis, and along with a copy of his notebook you use for communication between yourself and teacher?

You are doing all you can, and i am so sorry that you are going thru this. I got threatened today as well with the same thing. For some reason they just dont' get it, the "grey" of our children's lives, the diagnosis's which they really should be very open to understanding the diversity that exists and the differences of children and their needs and mental differences, yet they do not.

Like everyone else said deep breath. Just know you are doing all you can. Sending you hugs and alot of support

 

[susiestar]

Deep Breaths, Sweetie, Deep Breaths.

This will all turn out OK. The school is NOT staffed with medical personnel. They cannot force hospitalization. In fact, they are responsible for providing a Free and Appropriate Public Education (FAPE)in the least restrictive environment (LRE).

You need to call your state Board of Education and ask for a Parent Advocate. They are FREE. You also need an attorney who deals with educational issues.

don't be afraid of DHS and this report. Frivolous reporting, such as this, is HIGHLY frowned on. Have a WRITTEN safety plan, all alarms in place if he is a runner, or wanders in the night. Have it written for all contingencies you can think of.

work on the Parent report. It will help show DHS that you are serious about taking care of your son.

DHS may take a look around and decide nothing else can be done and all is well. They may also decide you need services and provide things like wrap around therapy, in home therapy, even respite services.

You are going to have to show this school you mean business. Look into Wrightslaw - they have a website and are authorities on legal matters pertaining to education. They also have books. I scared the living daylights out of our IEP team one year by bringing a stack of books about Aspergers AND a copy of Wrightslaw with lots of post-its sticking out. I only opened it once, and it was actually a bluff as many of those pages had little to do with our situation. But it showed them I was dead serious about my child getting what he needed.

Just keep breathing. Take it 1 day at a time, or even 1 hour or minute at a time. and go see your doctor. You are under tremendous stress. Many of us have needed some help in this situation - medical help. I think it is called situational depression for many of us, at least with these stressors.

You may also find things at a health food store to help calm you. I like Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea - it is soothing and calming.

Gentle hugs, and always remember we are with you. You are NOT alone.

Susie

 

[Ropefree]

Jcox: You are aware that you are doing much to provide for this child and your other children. You have taken your child for evaluation with the apropriate experts. You have co-operated with the school. You have engaged in the relationship with candor:
you wrote down what your child had been doing for the teacher to have a heads up!
The Psyciatrist treating your child did NOT concur or advise hospitalization.
Whomever is going to come to your home is someone who has experiance and is committed to the welfare of children and families! Your sons out of control behaviors are the problem. Clearly you DO CARE and YOU WANT HELP and you WANT THE BEST FOR THIS AND ALL YOUR CHILDREN.
WELCOME THIS OPERTUNITY! Be grateful that at this early age your child is getting interventive attentions and possitively affirm that all the caring people who are looking out for your child along with you are on board to serve and improve the life of your child and your family! Let it be so!
Look at each of these people in service to your sons best life! Let them feel that you are interested in his best potentials and that you value them and the skills and the ideas they bring to you with enthusiasm!
Take in their advise and recommendations and reflect their BEST INTENTIONS.
Know in your heart and share with your children CONFIDENCE that YOU ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO DO ALL YOU CAN AND CONTINUE TO PROVIDE A sAFE LOVING HOME FOR EaCH.
I like the idea of returning your son to the other school that you KNOW has a more appropriate staff for him. Clearly the accomidations WERE more of what he requires.

I also think getting an disability rights education attorney on this asap will do much to relieve you of a sence of being railroaded blindly at the bequest of the school staff.

"gragging the crouch area" for a six year old out of control may not be an act of 'sexual aggression' it could be merely that area was in reach. He may have as easily grabbed a leg. The teacher maybe someone who actually does not have children or has opinions that are distainful of others who have. I just met a woman in the grocery yesterday who is a school teacher of elementary children and her 'world veiws' are a collection of redoric dribbled into the public : a man she knows with baldder cancer who now has a urine bag and no bladder she says is 'gaming the system' because he drives a motorcycle and is on disability.

If the crouch grab IS a signal your son has in some way been sexually abuse lets guess: THAT WOULD MATTER TO YOU>
The matter is a type of RED HERRING: the school, where your son is not accomidated appropriately places YOU in defense. In my mind whenever I find I feel the need to DEFEND is red flag #1 I am experiancing abuse.

That #1) in part reflects conditions at the school that were not appropriately responsive to evidenced need for IDEA FAPE IDEA/504 accomidations, #2) reflects a culture amoung the school staff that is
contrary to the federal laws #3) reflects an attitude where children who are age six are veiwed not as learner with special needs BUT instead somone who is "abused and neglected in their home "

If I were you I would be ready and engaged to :
#1) GET MY SON OUT OF THAT SCHOOL
#2)IMPROVE MY PARENTING SKILLS BEYOND ANY REPROACH..ie show your flexibility and responcivity
#3)Determine the best potential alternative to THAT SCHOOL and get your family running smoothly.

The DOE may have to pay the costs for Special Education bus to take your student to the next town. And also to pay for all the evaluations ect which as it is THEIR FEDERALLY MANDATED JOB.

Plenty maybe said about the ineptitude and failures of the now ending current administration...but NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND is not one of them.

Meanwhile you do need to have the good touch bad touch talk with each of your children seperately.

but do not be affraid. Yes it is a hastle what you have to deal with. And this IS WHY: parents who have special needs children are not having the 'free time' to educated the experts! I have not gone to one pta meeting or volunteered to support the plight of mental health services because I am disabled and I do not want the attention on us. I have attended a zillion iep meeting and I have diligently provided the teachers with the best information and encouragement to aid them in their work with my learner. I am so grateful to them of the education that has been made possible.

And I have had meddling and inapropriate teachers who have :
cut my sons bangs to the hairline without my knowledge or permission
told me that I was 'neglecting my child' because I would not let the gp md in our
backwater clinic diagnos or treat his adhd...The ding dang school "coulda" had the appropriate referral to a child and adolecent psyciatrist and DID NOT.
a glitch on the state computer had him listed as having some companies insurance
which he never did. It took years of me asking the workers and supervisors and any state office that I could find in a phone book what to do about it. Then one day this question poped into my head " What company does it show insurance for him?"
The next nine phone calls centered around that companies policy not to write letters for indivigules they do not have as clients!
After that it was two months befor the state had changed the ERROR in their system and it was just about that much longer again befor the county could verify and schedule the evaluation with the correct expert.
And I moved just to get away from the NIT WITs in the school district who were HURTING MY KID!

 

[BusynMember]

I've had to deal with CPS. I would trump their call and call first and tell CPS what happened from your side and ask for their help. You can tell them all you've tried and act cooperative. They LIKE cooperative. No matter how angry they make you, don't act angry. Maybe they can get supports in place and get you extra help and you can turn the school's call into YOUR call.
I would have reports from the psychiatrist that you are doing all you can for him and that he doesn't need to be hospitalized or else I'd ask CPS if they want to talk to his doctor. An attorney didn't really help us much--CPS is a government agency with a lot of power, so you have to work with them because a lawyer can't always help (at least that's what we were told by our lawyer). Also, I would never send him back to that school even if I had to homeschool. I have no use for "bullying" by educators. They have no clue what you should do for your son. If the doctors are stumped, why do THEY know?
I think, with the right attitude, you can turn this on your side. Just be sure not to act defensive or angry at them. Good luck!

 

[allhaileris]

I have not read the replys, but yes, we've had CPS come to our house one, and once they called and asked us to come in. THe first time it was because she had a big bruise on her butt and lower back (this was in preschool where they had open restrooms). I showed them the kid table that she had been standing on that broke a leg (it was on the front porch on it's way out) and I could only assume she fell from (and *now* I know she's sensory seeking and doesn't feel pain as much as a normal person). I told them she had ODD. I refused to let them in my house. I let them see E and take a picture of the bruise. They never called back on it. The second time it was because E said husband hit her, she was in a phase where she'd tell her teachers outlandish things. Because they had it on file she had ODD they jsut called us in, spoke to us, asked us if everything was okay and offered counceling if we needed it, but seemed to know she was making it up because when they questioned her they didn't get the same story she told her teacher.

At the time of the first one I was on BabyCenter a lot and posted the incident there because I had no idea what to expect. Everybody (meaning moms with normal kids) blasted me for not letting the cop and CPS worker inside. Obviously I knew my rights and there was no issue.

If YOU know that you've been doing things right, and you have the doctor backing you up, you should be fine. Maybe keep a copy of the docs latest orders next to the door to show them if they show up.

 

[aeroeng]

We were once turned over to child welfare. CG, then 3 had fallen into a camp fire. The pampers saved his b... But, he did get a small burn on his leg which developed a rash when I left his bandage on too long. I had called the Dr. They said to put moisturizer on it. The day care reported this as letting it go to an infection. They also reported that he wore the same shirt everyday. Well yes it was his favorite. The day care also stated they did realized that it was being cleaned every night, but their guidelines say to report anyone who comes in warring the same clothing each day. They also reported us for possible sexual abuse as they once saw him **** on the p... of a doll. We were terrified.

However, when the woman showed up. She seemed more interested in making sure the child had a good environment and not interested in simply taking him away. Once we talked to her we felt greatly relieved. She had good information and was quite helpful. You have the support from his medical Dr. and can prove you are not the one neglecting the child. I would contact a lawyer that specialized in learning disabilities or mental health issues for kids. You need to get that child the proper education and this school can not provide it.

 

[lillians]

our daughter now 16 lies,, as a younger child i beleive it was called confabulation,,,and has made mega trouble over the years,,its best maybe for the world at large to get to know yu well know yu are a safe person and family,,,and an advocate ,, om yes,,,at first yu will need them badly on your behalf,,they arent apt to take away your child,, they do not want to deal with it all either,,chin up,, i wish i could help other than to say i am thinking of you,,our son actually grabbed his care givers breasts,, and mad ea childish comment ,,the care giver sent her report,,and voila an investigation,,,touching anothers persons body doesnt always mean there were abused,, i think its a rediculous first act upon notion,,altogether we have had 3 investigations,,, all silly whilst other children who need protection are sitting by the fence,,waiting

 

[jcox]

DCF visit today:
Just like the school told me they would they filed a 51A. They must have faxed it over or something I guess because they did not waste anytime coming. The counselor from his school called me at two to tell me that the principal did file and at four we had a visitor.

We let him in and offered a seat. I had a packet of infomation ready for him with all his background information, psychiatric, behavioral, diagnostic, and medication histories. I also had a list of parent references for them to call: Our previous counselor, our FST worker, and his preschool teacher who knew we did all we could and she also did all she could for him. I also had information about why we left the previous providers, our aspirations for him, etc. just like another user recomended I made. I made it quickly so it will need some proofing later, but it worked. He said that we have always been compliant and cooperative with them in the past. Everything that was on the report from the school they knew already from our communications with our previous DCF worker. Even the supervisor said they have no reason to believe that we are neglecting our son, but they had to investigate. The worker who came to our house told me he believes that the report is just going to be screened out and it was not legitimate in the first place because it was not suspecting neglect it was trying to get him more services, which I reassured him we were doing all we can... showed him my two large binders with his info including info about his diagnoses, laws and regs, etc. He seemed impressed actually. I don't think I have anything to worry about, but he said it is up to his supervisor, not him.

 

[Jena]

i'm glad this happened and it hit today, at least you dont' have to sit in anticipation for the visit. I just want to add once they establish that there is no abuse going on, ask them for a copy of said report and than ask them to destroy the entire file. They are allowed to destroy it. They will tell you no, yet at least here in new york their allowed to if it's an unfounded claim.

Thsi may be a good thing for you to show how ridiculous the school is and how their not meeting your difficult child's needs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you this turns out to be something good in your corner. The whole lemon into lemonade thing.

It sounds like you handled the visit very well.

 

[slsh]

Yea Janice!!!! Sounds you like did just fabulously!!!! Good for you!

in my humble opinion, some (not all) SDs use this as intimidation or as a way to distract everyone involved from the fact that the SD is not doing what they are required to be doing, which is educating your son who has a disability. What you hopefully will come away with from this is validation that you *are* doing everything that you are supposed to be doing and you're a good parent.

I think now is the time to find a parent advocate to help you get the SD to remember that they are responsible to educate your kiddo who has multiple special needs. There isn't a cure and this is going to be a long haul, for all of you. They should be having a manifestation determination on the suspension where you can present more than adequate information about hypersexuality being one of the symptoms of BiPolar (BP), therefore his "misbehavior" was the result of his disability and is *not* subject to this kind of discipline. I believe you said in your prior post that they told you they must discipline all students the same way - they could not be more wrong. The only time a disability is not taken into consideration, in terms of if the behavior is a result of the disability, is if drugs or weapons are involved. It's the law. This incident absolutely should result in a revision of behavior intervention plan and/or IEP and/or placement.

Be sure to share with the psychiatrists tomorrow the struggles you're having with the school. They may be able to offer some concrete suggestions and hopefully some referrals to resources for you as well.

Well done, Janice - really. I'm so glad it went well.

 

[Wiped Out]

Janice,
I'm glad it went so well. It really burns me up that your sd did this. They are definitely not medical professionals and it sounds to me like they need to find a way to help educate your son. Sue is absolutely right about not all students needing to be disciplined the same. It took a lot but we now have it written in my difficult child's IEP that he can't be suspended for behaviors unless they are a leve 4 (weapons, guns, serious assault). The middle school wanted us to take that out of his iep but we said no that so much is due to his disability we would not agree to having it taken out.

 

[artana]

I'm so glad it went well! Good for you, having that binder. I have to sit down and put all this together to be as prepared.

 

[Mandy]

Wow! I hadnt read your original post before and was floored by the response from the school. Our psychologist just warned me yesterday abt. him possibly developing hypersexual behaviors as he gets older. I can not believe they would think you aren't doing enough. It sounds to me like they are trying to pass the buck because they have no clue!

I am so glad that it went well today and how scary!! HUGS

 

[bran155]

I am so happy for you that the schools plan backfired!!!! How dare they!!!! Smart to have everything ready, you were properly armed. Good for you. You should go into that darn school with informational books and pamphlets so that these fools can be educated as they obviously do not have a clue!!! That really ticks me off, as if your job is not hard enough, as if you do not go through enough turmoil and they add CPS to the list!! UURRGGHH!!!!

Hang in there, it seems the ball is in your court now - GOOD!!!! I will keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted hun. God bless.