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Missed call from my son
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740919" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Laura</p><p></p><p>You are in a tough spot. Because whoever it was who called chose to not leave a message and because your hands are tied due to the demand you not call that landline. </p><p></p><p>I very much understand how this feels. To have an adult child demand care and support and our flexibility and a constant source of forgiveness, and yet they will not give us access, control, respect. </p><p></p><p>They draw the boundaries and we are not entitled to have even one. To me his making the rule that you cannot call that number is disrespectful and cruel. The whole set up is for your son's comfort, convenience and advantage. And your role: Be there. Remember your rules. And the consequences for breaking them. Tolerate whatever twist and turn son's irresponsible and uncaring and deficient behavior and decisions and attitudes, lead to.</p><p></p><p>I am speaking as somebody who has been in this situation. And I have been punished because I would no longer go along with it And I sit with my deep love, my worry, and also with my sense that this is no way to be a parent and a person. Without reciprocity. Waiting to be victimized. Worried about somebody who really is not giving me any place to stand, except to be a useful object. When I give voice, when I balk at the position I am in, he cuts me off. My only role is to be there in the way he wants, when he wants it, to tolerate his vices, and his inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for anything.</p><p></p><p>I do not have any answers for you. </p><p></p><p>For me the answer is to try to locate myself in my own life, and to let my son live his. As I have taken this position, he has decided he wants no contact from me. It is hard to take, but there is a certain reality in this. The only one who can do anything for your son is him. </p><p></p><p>I hope he is safe and I believe he is safe. I hope he finds the stability to move away from people who compromise him. I hope you can find contentment and safety in your own life, while he does so.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is so very hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740919, member: 18958"] Dear Laura You are in a tough spot. Because whoever it was who called chose to not leave a message and because your hands are tied due to the demand you not call that landline. I very much understand how this feels. To have an adult child demand care and support and our flexibility and a constant source of forgiveness, and yet they will not give us access, control, respect. They draw the boundaries and we are not entitled to have even one. To me his making the rule that you cannot call that number is disrespectful and cruel. The whole set up is for your son's comfort, convenience and advantage. And your role: Be there. Remember your rules. And the consequences for breaking them. Tolerate whatever twist and turn son's irresponsible and uncaring and deficient behavior and decisions and attitudes, lead to. I am speaking as somebody who has been in this situation. And I have been punished because I would no longer go along with it And I sit with my deep love, my worry, and also with my sense that this is no way to be a parent and a person. Without reciprocity. Waiting to be victimized. Worried about somebody who really is not giving me any place to stand, except to be a useful object. When I give voice, when I balk at the position I am in, he cuts me off. My only role is to be there in the way he wants, when he wants it, to tolerate his vices, and his inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for anything. I do not have any answers for you. For me the answer is to try to locate myself in my own life, and to let my son live his. As I have taken this position, he has decided he wants no contact from me. It is hard to take, but there is a certain reality in this. The only one who can do anything for your son is him. I hope he is safe and I believe he is safe. I hope he finds the stability to move away from people who compromise him. I hope you can find contentment and safety in your own life, while he does so. I am sorry this is so very hard. [/QUOTE]
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