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MJ - what's next?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 755267" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You're hitting on something I felt but couldn't articulate. She's rubbing it in your face. She knows how you'll be triggered by substance use and addiction. She's showing you just how little control you have but more than that: she's holding you hostage, to make you see it, to suffer it. I will use a harsh word here, sadism (we all have a little bit of it, not just her). She's subjecting you to this. She's making you watch it. On purpose.</p><p></p><p>You can't allow this. It's not good for her to demonstrate her power this way. It's not good for her, and not good for you.</p><p></p><p>I think I've written before how she seems to empower herself in covert, negative ways. This is what is happening here. She has turned a lot of her aggression against herself. But here she's subjecting you to it.</p><p>I felt this too. It felt like exhibitionism to me, more than attention. Hey, look at me.</p><p></p><p>Wise, you've got to nip this dynamic in the bud. You can't reward it. That's what I think. You're right. What will she do next? There's nowhere to go with this except to escalate.</p><p></p><p>I differ about whether to reward her with "attention." My gosh, she is already the center of your life and attention. She needs to be the object of her own attention at this age. I am wondering if it isn't time to accelerate her moving out.</p><p></p><p>I am wondering if she is worried about that. That she's showing you through her poor choices how much she needs you to baby her. I mean, to me that's not age-appropriate to have Mommy and Daddy come and carry her home after she's over-indulged. What about Uber and Lyft? What about a friend? If she's old enough to go driving around hill and dale, can't she cover for herself, to call a Taxi? To arrange with a friend to be the designated driver, or to not indulge and be responsible?</p><p></p><p>To take over for bailing her out in this kind of situation at her age, seems like enabling to me (no criticism here. How could I?) She's forcing you to treat her as an infant. You are not her drinking buddy. You're not her pal. And for sure you're not the mother of a baby. (But she's acting like one.) This is not age-appropriate to involve Mother and Dad. She had options, she could have exercised. Why choose this way?</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I don't know why I am so mad at her. I see her as having every consideration. Every advantage. I see you as sensitive to her needs and caring of her comforts, wanting to give her what she needs. I see you as fair and respectful. She could not have a parent more responsive to her, more committed to her welfare, and to her potential. You don't deserve any of this. But of course I know that deserving enters into this not at all.</p><p></p><p>Wise, your instincts are so good. You see and understand everything that is happening. You are right on it. You know when you're triggered. You feel it. And you know the causes.</p><p></p><p>She needs to suffer the consequences of her own choices, so that she will learn to be responsible for them. Right now she sees you as the injured party. She has somehow made a causal connection between her bad acts, her own vulnerability, and you. It's like there's a stimulus-response feedback loop, and in her mind, you, not she, is in the middle of it. Wise. You've got to get yourself out of that feedback loop.</p><p></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Your ambivalence seems about cutting her loose, so that she's independent and becomes her own power base. She's had so much good mothering. She needs to become her own psychic mother. That's the relationship that needs to be strengthened. Let her.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 755267, member: 18958"] You're hitting on something I felt but couldn't articulate. She's rubbing it in your face. She knows how you'll be triggered by substance use and addiction. She's showing you just how little control you have but more than that: she's holding you hostage, to make you see it, to suffer it. I will use a harsh word here, sadism (we all have a little bit of it, not just her). She's subjecting you to this. She's making you watch it. On purpose. You can't allow this. It's not good for her to demonstrate her power this way. It's not good for her, and not good for you. I think I've written before how she seems to empower herself in covert, negative ways. This is what is happening here. She has turned a lot of her aggression against herself. But here she's subjecting you to it. I felt this too. It felt like exhibitionism to me, more than attention. Hey, look at me. Wise, you've got to nip this dynamic in the bud. You can't reward it. That's what I think. You're right. What will she do next? There's nowhere to go with this except to escalate. I differ about whether to reward her with "attention." My gosh, she is already the center of your life and attention. She needs to be the object of her own attention at this age. I am wondering if it isn't time to accelerate her moving out. I am wondering if she is worried about that. That she's showing you through her poor choices how much she needs you to baby her. I mean, to me that's not age-appropriate to have Mommy and Daddy come and carry her home after she's over-indulged. What about Uber and Lyft? What about a friend? If she's old enough to go driving around hill and dale, can't she cover for herself, to call a Taxi? To arrange with a friend to be the designated driver, or to not indulge and be responsible? To take over for bailing her out in this kind of situation at her age, seems like enabling to me (no criticism here. How could I?) She's forcing you to treat her as an infant. You are not her drinking buddy. You're not her pal. And for sure you're not the mother of a baby. (But she's acting like one.) This is not age-appropriate to involve Mother and Dad. She had options, she could have exercised. Why choose this way? Honestly, I don't know why I am so mad at her. I see her as having every consideration. Every advantage. I see you as sensitive to her needs and caring of her comforts, wanting to give her what she needs. I see you as fair and respectful. She could not have a parent more responsive to her, more committed to her welfare, and to her potential. You don't deserve any of this. But of course I know that deserving enters into this not at all. Wise, your instincts are so good. You see and understand everything that is happening. You are right on it. You know when you're triggered. You feel it. And you know the causes. She needs to suffer the consequences of her own choices, so that she will learn to be responsible for them. Right now she sees you as the injured party. She has somehow made a causal connection between her bad acts, her own vulnerability, and you. It's like there's a stimulus-response feedback loop, and in her mind, you, not she, is in the middle of it. Wise. You've got to get yourself out of that feedback loop. [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]Your ambivalence seems about cutting her loose, so that she's independent and becomes her own power base. She's had so much good mothering. She needs to become her own psychic mother. That's the relationship that needs to be strengthened. Let her.[/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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