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Moody adult daughter?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 743369" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I got confused. This response is to the original mother who felt herself to be mistreated.</p><p></p><p>We cannot control the actions of another person nor their feelings about us. There could be many reasons for your daughter's behavior but I do not believe you have control over any of them. That she acts a certain way and that she may feel a certain way has nothing to do with her.</p><p></p><p>You will have to decide whether being in your daughter's life and near your soon to be grandchild's life, is worth it to you to be exposed to her criticism, her moodiness, and her lack of gratitude.</p><p></p><p>I find it very ill-mannered that a daughter would mistreat a mother who has come a long distance to help her.</p><p></p><p>The thing is this: the feelings are in you. That you feel like "worst mother" is in you, not in her. There is a way to separate your feelings from her behaviors. It is very, very hard, but it is doable. The process is called "detachment." Insulating yourself from behaviors over which you have no control. Those behaviors are your daughter's to own, not yours. </p><p></p><p>This is a tough decision. Your daughter may someday change, but she will not do so because you want her to. </p><p></p><p>My mother was in this situation with my sister. It was terribly painful for her. My sister used her children as bait and manipulated my mother by controlling whether or not she could be close to the children. Over time my mother learned to deal with it, but it was never pleasant for her. She chose to submit to the bad behavior of my sister because she loved her and she loved her grandchildren. My sister did not get better but until the ends of her days my mother loved her. Love sometimes does not have much to do with how one is treated. I guess that is what they mean by unconditional love. </p><p></p><p>Many mothers have posted here with the same kind of problem. It is seldom easy, but the majority seem to work it out.</p><p></p><p>I would hope that you do not let your daughter mistreat you. You do not deserve it. I agree with your husband who wants to limit how much you and he are disrespected and hurt. I hope you set some boundaries so that you are protected and the relationship comes to have some reciprocity and she is limited in how much damage she can do. Perhaps you can stay in a hotel and restrict how much help you give her. Why would you help somebody who treats you badly?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 743369, member: 18958"] I got confused. This response is to the original mother who felt herself to be mistreated. We cannot control the actions of another person nor their feelings about us. There could be many reasons for your daughter's behavior but I do not believe you have control over any of them. That she acts a certain way and that she may feel a certain way has nothing to do with her. You will have to decide whether being in your daughter's life and near your soon to be grandchild's life, is worth it to you to be exposed to her criticism, her moodiness, and her lack of gratitude. I find it very ill-mannered that a daughter would mistreat a mother who has come a long distance to help her. The thing is this: the feelings are in you. That you feel like "worst mother" is in you, not in her. There is a way to separate your feelings from her behaviors. It is very, very hard, but it is doable. The process is called "detachment." Insulating yourself from behaviors over which you have no control. Those behaviors are your daughter's to own, not yours. This is a tough decision. Your daughter may someday change, but she will not do so because you want her to. My mother was in this situation with my sister. It was terribly painful for her. My sister used her children as bait and manipulated my mother by controlling whether or not she could be close to the children. Over time my mother learned to deal with it, but it was never pleasant for her. She chose to submit to the bad behavior of my sister because she loved her and she loved her grandchildren. My sister did not get better but until the ends of her days my mother loved her. Love sometimes does not have much to do with how one is treated. I guess that is what they mean by unconditional love. Many mothers have posted here with the same kind of problem. It is seldom easy, but the majority seem to work it out. I would hope that you do not let your daughter mistreat you. You do not deserve it. I agree with your husband who wants to limit how much you and he are disrespected and hurt. I hope you set some boundaries so that you are protected and the relationship comes to have some reciprocity and she is limited in how much damage she can do. Perhaps you can stay in a hotel and restrict how much help you give her. Why would you help somebody who treats you badly? [/QUOTE]
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