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Substance Abuse
Most difficult years of my life
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 726224" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>GS, most of us, perhaps all, go up, down and sideways in helping our kids....we love these people, they're our children.....even when they go off the rails, it takes us time to figure out how to stop enabling them and how to detach from their choices. </p><p></p><p>Don't judge yourself. Don't bother with guilt. Do what your heart can stand. And then let it go. I am detached from my daughter in almost all ways now, but as I progressed thru that journey, I stepped in various times to help her. I may do it again too if the circumstances presented themselves. What I've learned is that each incident requires it's own individual solution. Once you heal from enabling and begin your own recovery from that, you can learn to trust yourself to make choices in each individual situation and make that choice out of the truth of the situation..... not stuck like cement into enabling, giving & rescuing them every time......where we don't allow ourselves to see other options.</p><p></p><p>We may never get to what typical parents deal with, but we can learn how to access each situation truthfully, from a balanced sense of our own well being and act accordingly. In the beginning when we are learning how to<em><u> not</u></em> enable it's different, we usually need to step back completely to figure out how to proceed in a healthy way. As we step back, we recover from the intensity, fear, obligation, guilt, sorrow and demands that codependency/enabling creates for us. We act out of the dysfunctional, patterned enabling, not out of healthy solutions which work. Over time, our own recovery allows us to make different choices. However, it doesn't happen overnight. We all go all over the place for awhile. After all, we are literally learning an entirely new way to parent and to respond. </p><p></p><p>I like that your son is more respectful too. As I stepped back from my daughter, she became very respectful. He's also paid for his hotel tonight. Good choice. Stealing is a choice. If he chooses that and gets caught, that is his consequence to deal with. Not yours. </p><p></p><p>You did a good job. Don't judge yourself. This stuff is very, very hard. We all do the best we can under enormous pressure. Try to have a good day today. Do kind and nourishing things for yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 726224, member: 13542"] GS, most of us, perhaps all, go up, down and sideways in helping our kids....we love these people, they're our children.....even when they go off the rails, it takes us time to figure out how to stop enabling them and how to detach from their choices. Don't judge yourself. Don't bother with guilt. Do what your heart can stand. And then let it go. I am detached from my daughter in almost all ways now, but as I progressed thru that journey, I stepped in various times to help her. I may do it again too if the circumstances presented themselves. What I've learned is that each incident requires it's own individual solution. Once you heal from enabling and begin your own recovery from that, you can learn to trust yourself to make choices in each individual situation and make that choice out of the truth of the situation..... not stuck like cement into enabling, giving & rescuing them every time......where we don't allow ourselves to see other options. We may never get to what typical parents deal with, but we can learn how to access each situation truthfully, from a balanced sense of our own well being and act accordingly. In the beginning when we are learning how to[I][U] not[/U][/I] enable it's different, we usually need to step back completely to figure out how to proceed in a healthy way. As we step back, we recover from the intensity, fear, obligation, guilt, sorrow and demands that codependency/enabling creates for us. We act out of the dysfunctional, patterned enabling, not out of healthy solutions which work. Over time, our own recovery allows us to make different choices. However, it doesn't happen overnight. We all go all over the place for awhile. After all, we are literally learning an entirely new way to parent and to respond. I like that your son is more respectful too. As I stepped back from my daughter, she became very respectful. He's also paid for his hotel tonight. Good choice. Stealing is a choice. If he chooses that and gets caught, that is his consequence to deal with. Not yours. You did a good job. Don't judge yourself. This stuff is very, very hard. We all do the best we can under enormous pressure. Try to have a good day today. Do kind and nourishing things for yourself. [/QUOTE]
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