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My 20 year old son won't move out. HELP!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619187" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Color me cynical.</p><p></p><p>So he used to be social and now he can't even leave the house? Do you buy that? Ok, so maybe his time with dad was not good, but how many adult kids or teens have to spend their time with an inadequate or even verbally abusive parent and still function? I'd say, in this age of divorce, many. </p><p></p><p>I don't know what his problem really is and it is unlikely you will know either. Only he can identify it and fix it and if he wanted to do so, he'd try a lot harder. I wanted to...I spent almost all my time trying so hard to force myself to do what was so hard for me. This is a decision he is making. It's not that he can't. It's take he is unmotivated and won't.</p><p></p><p>I would stick to the two weeks. He doesn't need to be homeless. There are shelters and as long as he follows the rules, they will let him stay and probably help him find public housing. There are low cost to free clinics for mental health issues. There are caseworkers to help him apply for disability so that he can have a little money, if he insists on not trying to work. This may not be the life you wanted for him (is it for ANY of us?) but it is the life he is choosing. He is repudiating all the help you offered and is deciding to stay depressed. Not one thing he is doing is helping himself. It's like sitting in bed after an operation. If you don't get up and move, you won't recover. Depression is the same way. Don't enable it. He may get even worse.</p><p></p><p>His past doesn't matter. What mistakes we made, Dad included, and God only knows we have all made mistakes, don't seem to affect our functional adult children...hmmmmmmmmm. Maybe we weren't really that bad, huh? Maybe we need to look forward and get on with our own lives and let our grown kids learn to fend for themselves, even if it's a rocky ride and if they go pouting and shaking a fist at you and saying horrible things (manipulatively on purpose) to make us feel like scum. That is the normal pattern and all of us have gone through it.</p><p></p><p>Although many grown kids use the final scare tactic "I will kill myself" I don't know of any kids from this site who have done it. It is mostly to make us do what we want them to do. There is always that chance, but we can't stop them. Also, suicide is very strange...the kids I have heard about who did it were doing well and their parents had no clue they were suicidal. Really suicidal adults usually don't tell us about it because they know we'll stop them.</p><p></p><p>I would concentrate on #1 and that is YOU. Your son will have to navigate life in his own way or else you must be willing to care for him, perhaps for the rest of your life. And what will he do after you are gone?</p><p></p><p>Huggles!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619187, member: 1550"] Color me cynical. So he used to be social and now he can't even leave the house? Do you buy that? Ok, so maybe his time with dad was not good, but how many adult kids or teens have to spend their time with an inadequate or even verbally abusive parent and still function? I'd say, in this age of divorce, many. I don't know what his problem really is and it is unlikely you will know either. Only he can identify it and fix it and if he wanted to do so, he'd try a lot harder. I wanted to...I spent almost all my time trying so hard to force myself to do what was so hard for me. This is a decision he is making. It's not that he can't. It's take he is unmotivated and won't. I would stick to the two weeks. He doesn't need to be homeless. There are shelters and as long as he follows the rules, they will let him stay and probably help him find public housing. There are low cost to free clinics for mental health issues. There are caseworkers to help him apply for disability so that he can have a little money, if he insists on not trying to work. This may not be the life you wanted for him (is it for ANY of us?) but it is the life he is choosing. He is repudiating all the help you offered and is deciding to stay depressed. Not one thing he is doing is helping himself. It's like sitting in bed after an operation. If you don't get up and move, you won't recover. Depression is the same way. Don't enable it. He may get even worse. His past doesn't matter. What mistakes we made, Dad included, and God only knows we have all made mistakes, don't seem to affect our functional adult children...hmmmmmmmmm. Maybe we weren't really that bad, huh? Maybe we need to look forward and get on with our own lives and let our grown kids learn to fend for themselves, even if it's a rocky ride and if they go pouting and shaking a fist at you and saying horrible things (manipulatively on purpose) to make us feel like scum. That is the normal pattern and all of us have gone through it. Although many grown kids use the final scare tactic "I will kill myself" I don't know of any kids from this site who have done it. It is mostly to make us do what we want them to do. There is always that chance, but we can't stop them. Also, suicide is very strange...the kids I have heard about who did it were doing well and their parents had no clue they were suicidal. Really suicidal adults usually don't tell us about it because they know we'll stop them. I would concentrate on #1 and that is YOU. Your son will have to navigate life in his own way or else you must be willing to care for him, perhaps for the rest of your life. And what will he do after you are gone? Huggles!!!! [/QUOTE]
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My 20 year old son won't move out. HELP!
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