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My 20 yr old clinically depressed son refuses help
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 672568" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Still Learning and welcome to the forum. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, you are exactly right. This is the conundrum we are faced with. Denial is part of the disease itself (mental illness, addiction, etc.) so if a person is sick with a mental illness, they will usually deny it as part of the condition. As long as they said there is nothing wrong with them, and they don't need help, they won't seek help and they won't take help and the circular process continues.</p><p></p><p>It is infuriating. Frustrating, terrifying, awful.</p><p></p><p>In my case, I tried for years to get my son's attention and get him help. Get him to even give help a chance. I reasoned, argued, cried, begged, pleaded, yelled, drug him one place after another, pulled him out of the car, pushed him through the door...over and over and over. It didn't work.</p><p></p><p>But. Here is what happened with me. I turned it all over to my Higher Power. For you it might be God, the Universe, Mother Nature, the support group, this forum, whatever it is. I realized I couldn't make it happen. </p><p></p><p>I got out of the way and allowed, yes allowed, him to continue doing whatever he wanted to do and I watched from the sidelines. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and it took a complete re-orientation of my thinking first. And a lot of missteps.</p><p></p><p>In my son's case, it took more time---years---before he started changing and working for change. I mark the worst years with him from age 19 to 25, but he was tough in high school and the "trouble" started in middle school, but it was slow to ramp up. He was always a hard kid and was even a hard baby (colic, formula intolerance, very shy, etc.).</p><p></p><p>I have had to learn the hardest way possible that I can't fix people. I can't fix my stubborn 84-year-old father. I couldn't fix my ex-husband. I can't fix my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) friend. I couldn't fix my precious drug-addicted son.</p><p></p><p>I had to accept this, and that there are many situations in the world I will never be able to alter or fix. </p><p></p><p>I wish there was a kind and gentle way we could gather up people who really need help and somehow...somehow...force them to try. I have thought about that a lot. </p><p></p><p>but we know that if a person doesn't want something, anything, they will fight it with all their might, heart and soul. </p><p></p><p>My son did that. But last year, after being in jail for about the 8th or 9th time, he came out of jail and he started working to change. I didn't trust it or believe it at first, and I stood back for a long time. But after several months of watching him (not listening to him, because he taught me that talk is cheap. I want to see action) and seeing the difference in him, my ex-husband and I started giving him some help. Not doing it for him, but helping.</p><p></p><p>Through it all, we maintained a relationship with him. With limits and sometimes very strained, but we never cut off contact, and we always told him we love him. There were ugly conversations and a lot of very stringent limits set by me and his dad (like, if you come to this house again uninvited I will call the police). That is what it took. I hate to say it, but it did.</p><p></p><p>Please share with us more of your story. If you would like to, please create a new thread and tell us some of the details.</p><p></p><p>We know how hard this is. It is the hardest thing in the world. We are here for you, and we care. Also, there are many ways to walk through this journey. You will do whatever you feel is right and best and we will support you. Everybody is different and every situation is different. We can only share here what we have learned through experience, in hopes it might help you.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 672568, member: 17542"] Hi Still Learning and welcome to the forum. Yes, you are exactly right. This is the conundrum we are faced with. Denial is part of the disease itself (mental illness, addiction, etc.) so if a person is sick with a mental illness, they will usually deny it as part of the condition. As long as they said there is nothing wrong with them, and they don't need help, they won't seek help and they won't take help and the circular process continues. It is infuriating. Frustrating, terrifying, awful. In my case, I tried for years to get my son's attention and get him help. Get him to even give help a chance. I reasoned, argued, cried, begged, pleaded, yelled, drug him one place after another, pulled him out of the car, pushed him through the door...over and over and over. It didn't work. But. Here is what happened with me. I turned it all over to my Higher Power. For you it might be God, the Universe, Mother Nature, the support group, this forum, whatever it is. I realized I couldn't make it happen. I got out of the way and allowed, yes allowed, him to continue doing whatever he wanted to do and I watched from the sidelines. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and it took a complete re-orientation of my thinking first. And a lot of missteps. In my son's case, it took more time---years---before he started changing and working for change. I mark the worst years with him from age 19 to 25, but he was tough in high school and the "trouble" started in middle school, but it was slow to ramp up. He was always a hard kid and was even a hard baby (colic, formula intolerance, very shy, etc.). I have had to learn the hardest way possible that I can't fix people. I can't fix my stubborn 84-year-old father. I couldn't fix my ex-husband. I can't fix my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) friend. I couldn't fix my precious drug-addicted son. I had to accept this, and that there are many situations in the world I will never be able to alter or fix. I wish there was a kind and gentle way we could gather up people who really need help and somehow...somehow...force them to try. I have thought about that a lot. but we know that if a person doesn't want something, anything, they will fight it with all their might, heart and soul. My son did that. But last year, after being in jail for about the 8th or 9th time, he came out of jail and he started working to change. I didn't trust it or believe it at first, and I stood back for a long time. But after several months of watching him (not listening to him, because he taught me that talk is cheap. I want to see action) and seeing the difference in him, my ex-husband and I started giving him some help. Not doing it for him, but helping. Through it all, we maintained a relationship with him. With limits and sometimes very strained, but we never cut off contact, and we always told him we love him. There were ugly conversations and a lot of very stringent limits set by me and his dad (like, if you come to this house again uninvited I will call the police). That is what it took. I hate to say it, but it did. Please share with us more of your story. If you would like to, please create a new thread and tell us some of the details. We know how hard this is. It is the hardest thing in the world. We are here for you, and we care. Also, there are many ways to walk through this journey. You will do whatever you feel is right and best and we will support you. Everybody is different and every situation is different. We can only share here what we have learned through experience, in hopes it might help you. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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My 20 yr old clinically depressed son refuses help
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