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My 21 year old son/help
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742601" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Your story I have found is a common one here:You did the right thing, here. Some parents refuse to see the elephant in the living room and make what I feel is a bargain with the devil, drugs. I believe you were wise to stop this.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Sadly, this too, seems to be what happens for some of our children.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">It is a good thing that he does go rehab. That speaks a lot for him, for you and for your relationship.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">My child is 30. As far as I know he has only heavily used marijuana. As far as I know he has not been arrested. However, like you I have had to make hard choices. Because of his unwillingness to take care of health issues, to seek and comply with treatment, to pay rent, to do anything productive, to pay rent or budget money, to take care of the property where he lives (which is ours); let alone his heavy marijuana use.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I have had a hard time with consequences first because of my own personality, because he goes homeless and things get worse, and because I am afraid for his health and well-being. So the particulars may be different, but it feels the same to me. I get very frightened. I worry all the time. I get sad. I do not sleep. I feel I have lost myself and my life. He becomes the only topic of conversation with my SO. In other words, I cede myself. This ends up like a hostage video. I am the hostage.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I make several significant errors.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I allow a situation to develop where I suffer the consequences of what he does or does not do.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I begin to locate the importance of my life and the power of it in my son and not in myself.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">The results that are important I locate in him, not me. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Now, if this sounds like you, the first thing to do is to reverse this. The consequences to him, he must bear not you. The well-being at stake is yours, not his. The important and empowering actions to take are yours to take, not his. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">It is not what is right or wrong for him. It is what is right for you. You are traumatized. And you are losing the very resources that will help you restore yourself: friends, family, fun, relaxation, etc. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Form your post it seems you have decided that he needs to face the consequences of the situation he has created by his choices. It is very hard. But it is impossible if you do not begin to heal yourself. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Part of that healing involves backing away from the sense that there is some right thing you can do, I can do to stop this freight train. They are the only ones who can stop this train. They may or they may not do it. but independent of that, we need to restore our own health and well-being, and the sense we are back to being us, and living our own lives. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I want to say something tangential her: when one child is ill or disabled it puts a real pressure on the parents, family and the non-disabled child. This is not your fault. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">There are people on this forum that are urging me, to emphasize right now reconnecting to my son. They urge that this is more important than working out problems. Perhaps that may be true for your son and for you. That maybe you have lost each other to some extent, and could find again this closeness. Maybe your son will be the one who helps lead you back to yourself and your life. Stranger things have been true. The power of love is the greatest power, I believe. Maybe he longs to be close to you and to face what he must face as a man, together with you. This is something far different that experiencing the consequences for them.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I am glad you are here. I hope you keep posting. Welcome.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742601, member: 18958"] [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]Your story I have found is a common one here:You did the right thing, here. Some parents refuse to see the elephant in the living room and make what I feel is a bargain with the devil, drugs. I believe you were wise to stop this. Sadly, this too, seems to be what happens for some of our children. It is a good thing that he does go rehab. That speaks a lot for him, for you and for your relationship. My child is 30. As far as I know he has only heavily used marijuana. As far as I know he has not been arrested. However, like you I have had to make hard choices. Because of his unwillingness to take care of health issues, to seek and comply with treatment, to pay rent, to do anything productive, to pay rent or budget money, to take care of the property where he lives (which is ours); let alone his heavy marijuana use. I have had a hard time with consequences first because of my own personality, because he goes homeless and things get worse, and because I am afraid for his health and well-being. So the particulars may be different, but it feels the same to me. I get very frightened. I worry all the time. I get sad. I do not sleep. I feel I have lost myself and my life. He becomes the only topic of conversation with my SO. In other words, I cede myself. This ends up like a hostage video. I am the hostage. I make several significant errors. I allow a situation to develop where I suffer the consequences of what he does or does not do. I begin to locate the importance of my life and the power of it in my son and not in myself. The results that are important I locate in him, not me. Now, if this sounds like you, the first thing to do is to reverse this. The consequences to him, he must bear not you. The well-being at stake is yours, not his. The important and empowering actions to take are yours to take, not his. It is not what is right or wrong for him. It is what is right for you. You are traumatized. And you are losing the very resources that will help you restore yourself: friends, family, fun, relaxation, etc. Form your post it seems you have decided that he needs to face the consequences of the situation he has created by his choices. It is very hard. But it is impossible if you do not begin to heal yourself. Part of that healing involves backing away from the sense that there is some right thing you can do, I can do to stop this freight train. They are the only ones who can stop this train. They may or they may not do it. but independent of that, we need to restore our own health and well-being, and the sense we are back to being us, and living our own lives. I want to say something tangential her: when one child is ill or disabled it puts a real pressure on the parents, family and the non-disabled child. This is not your fault. There are people on this forum that are urging me, to emphasize right now reconnecting to my son. They urge that this is more important than working out problems. Perhaps that may be true for your son and for you. That maybe you have lost each other to some extent, and could find again this closeness. Maybe your son will be the one who helps lead you back to yourself and your life. Stranger things have been true. The power of love is the greatest power, I believe. Maybe he longs to be close to you and to face what he must face as a man, together with you. This is something far different that experiencing the consequences for them. I am glad you are here. I hope you keep posting. Welcome.[/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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