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Substance Abuse
My 33 year old son. Had to make homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 730426" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi! 36 is a bit old to be home too. I suffered from very severe depression most of my young years and did not sleep all day. I was married to an abusive man and had to work and take care of my kids. Getting up and being busy helps Depression. Lying in bed would make it worse. Why let him do nothing?</p><p></p><p> Depression and anxiety are very common and most people with them live as adults and help is readily available and effective. What can you do to help? Nothing. He is 36 and only he can help himself and pot is very bad for mental illness of any kind. I never allowed any of my kids to even smoke cigarettes under my roof, let alone pot. My house/my rules. Don't like them, leave. Depression or not.All are productive members of society.</p><p></p><p>Sleeping all day to me sounds like he may be using other drugs besides pot, such as benzodiazapens. The tlruth is, we don't know what they use when WE are sleeping. We can't know. And we have no legal ability to try to fix them. Your able bodied son can quit the pot and see a psychiatrist and therapist (there are low cost clinics) but no doctor can help him if he refuses to help himself. Nor can you. It doesn't help h to let him sleep all day for any reason. Is he up and out at night to see his friends? This is common and suspicious. My daughter slept all day, snuck out at night and we had no clue for a while until a cop brought her home for being out after curfew. Then we put bars on her window! Soon after we made her leave for throwing a pill party when we had gone with the littles to a water park for a vacation and came back early because they wanted to sleep at home. We thought Daughter had been clean. Surprise!! A houseful of driugged young adults. She had to leave. I did not see her changing for the better under the ease and comfort of our roof. The littles mattered and were scared. And I didn't want them to think this was acceptable to us. And I didn't want to help daughters drug use by making it easier for her to relax and take drugs while having nothing else to think about.</p><p></p><p>My daughter was a high functioning cocaine addict. We did not know she used cocaine or anything bad until she quit using and then she told all in a scary tearful confession. She always worked after school and was able to complete a Cosmetology course with A's while using drugs.</p><p></p><p>One day I got a call from the Dean at her school. He said that a group of her friends had gone to him out of concern for her and to tell him she was abusing cocaine. When confronted she cried and said the girls hated her and wanted to have her thrown out of school. We stupidly chose to believe her.</p><p></p><p>Eventually she was put on Prozac which reactedly badly in her, obviously also because she mixed it with other drugs, and she put a knife to her throat. We called 911 and the police took her to a psychiatric hospital where she was diagnosed with bipolar, which she doesn't have, but we believed it at the time. She was put on bipolar medications and after a few days, unknown to us, she tossed them out. She has been clean of cocsinecand meth years now. She is 34 and has NO symptoms of bipolar. Nobody can give an accurate diagnosis when the patient uses drugs. It alters the brain, even pot and alcohol.</p><p></p><p>My daughter bought her own stuff. We cut off her allowance the second time she was caught smoking pot in our house. We bought her basics and a school lunch ticket. Her car was our car. No car from us. I don't think it's a good idea to buy cars for drug using kids. So she totaled our car once and never drove our vehicles again and didn't make enough working after school at Walmart to buy a car. Too bad. She managed to get to work or we drove her. But usually she found rides.</p><p></p><p>After we made her leave she begged her straight arrow Christian brother if she could live with him. He said she could rent his basement but she would have to work even without a car, help clean and cook, and if she so much as lit one cigarette she was out. No second chances. He came to get her and I cried for a long time. She went the next state over, thankfully leaving all the addicts she knew.</p><p></p><p>Daughter knew Brother was stricter and meaner than us. She did everything he asked because she didn't want to be homeless and coming back to us was not an option. She walked to and from work in the cold Chicago winter and did not freeze or even catch a cold. She met her boyfriend that she is still with. She moved in with him. She went back to school for a two year chef certificate on her own dime. She got a loan, paid it off. They bought a house, had a beautiful baby, and cocaine and meth we're history. Yes, she also used meth.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why your son sleeps all day. You don't know. Even psychiatrists don't know. Psychiatry is an inexact field....no blood tests to prove any diagnoses. I have been a mental health client for decades and I learned that when it comes to diagnosing all they can do is guess. They helped me with depression. *I* felt the drpression. I knew I had it.iThey believed me. Legal medication did wonders. But I helped myself too. I complied with treatment, did not give up when the first five medications did not help or gave me side effects, and refused to make things worse by doing any extra drugs,including alcohol. I have never been drunk in my life. My mood and life now are great.</p><p></p><p>My parents didn't care about me or help me and I did it all myself. I think it's best that way. I had to do it because nobody else would. You really can't help somebody with drug or mental health issues but you can hold them back.</p><p></p><p>Your son would not be allowed to live in my house if he were one of my kids. I don't want a 40 year old man in my basement. I have an autistic son and he is in his own place, working and doing life. If he can do it your son can!! He needs you to make him adult, not coddle him. Home cooked meals, doing their laundry, letting them live with us for free and paying their cell phone bill encourages them to act like little kids. In my world he would cook, clean his room and clothes and pay rent and be respectful. </p><p></p><p>Your son is no longer your baby or little boy. He is an adult. He belongs to nobody. He is tall with a deep voice and hairy body and closing in on middle age. He won't get any help he needs while you baby him at home. I do not mean that in a harsh way! But society sees him as a man and will hold him to adult standards depression and anxiety or not. Those common mental illnesses he needs to fight like a man does.</p><p></p><p>Yes, your son, who is used to you giving in, will maybe scream bad things about you if you tell him he has three months to leave. My daughters last words were "I will hate you forever!" It haunted me, but we are very close now. I am proud of her. But I can still hear her yelling that at me and I love her do .it broke my heart. But something had to change or she could have died or ended up in prison and I was going to Al Anon. They helped me and her.</p><p></p><p>Everyone has a story and a perspective. This is mine. You deserve to have your own life now in my opinion and you can't fix your son. You can only hold him back. Take care of the one person you CAN care for....you. Read the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It is great!</p><p></p><p>It is HARD to make them adult. We cry. We worry. We wonder if we did wrong. But we do it largely for them too. You will die before him. Then what? He needs the skills to parent himself. We all do.</p><p></p><p>Love and light.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 730426, member: 1550"] Hi! 36 is a bit old to be home too. I suffered from very severe depression most of my young years and did not sleep all day. I was married to an abusive man and had to work and take care of my kids. Getting up and being busy helps Depression. Lying in bed would make it worse. Why let him do nothing? Depression and anxiety are very common and most people with them live as adults and help is readily available and effective. What can you do to help? Nothing. He is 36 and only he can help himself and pot is very bad for mental illness of any kind. I never allowed any of my kids to even smoke cigarettes under my roof, let alone pot. My house/my rules. Don't like them, leave. Depression or not.All are productive members of society. Sleeping all day to me sounds like he may be using other drugs besides pot, such as benzodiazapens. The tlruth is, we don't know what they use when WE are sleeping. We can't know. And we have no legal ability to try to fix them. Your able bodied son can quit the pot and see a psychiatrist and therapist (there are low cost clinics) but no doctor can help him if he refuses to help himself. Nor can you. It doesn't help h to let him sleep all day for any reason. Is he up and out at night to see his friends? This is common and suspicious. My daughter slept all day, snuck out at night and we had no clue for a while until a cop brought her home for being out after curfew. Then we put bars on her window! Soon after we made her leave for throwing a pill party when we had gone with the littles to a water park for a vacation and came back early because they wanted to sleep at home. We thought Daughter had been clean. Surprise!! A houseful of driugged young adults. She had to leave. I did not see her changing for the better under the ease and comfort of our roof. The littles mattered and were scared. And I didn't want them to think this was acceptable to us. And I didn't want to help daughters drug use by making it easier for her to relax and take drugs while having nothing else to think about. My daughter was a high functioning cocaine addict. We did not know she used cocaine or anything bad until she quit using and then she told all in a scary tearful confession. She always worked after school and was able to complete a Cosmetology course with A's while using drugs. One day I got a call from the Dean at her school. He said that a group of her friends had gone to him out of concern for her and to tell him she was abusing cocaine. When confronted she cried and said the girls hated her and wanted to have her thrown out of school. We stupidly chose to believe her. Eventually she was put on Prozac which reactedly badly in her, obviously also because she mixed it with other drugs, and she put a knife to her throat. We called 911 and the police took her to a psychiatric hospital where she was diagnosed with bipolar, which she doesn't have, but we believed it at the time. She was put on bipolar medications and after a few days, unknown to us, she tossed them out. She has been clean of cocsinecand meth years now. She is 34 and has NO symptoms of bipolar. Nobody can give an accurate diagnosis when the patient uses drugs. It alters the brain, even pot and alcohol. My daughter bought her own stuff. We cut off her allowance the second time she was caught smoking pot in our house. We bought her basics and a school lunch ticket. Her car was our car. No car from us. I don't think it's a good idea to buy cars for drug using kids. So she totaled our car once and never drove our vehicles again and didn't make enough working after school at Walmart to buy a car. Too bad. She managed to get to work or we drove her. But usually she found rides. After we made her leave she begged her straight arrow Christian brother if she could live with him. He said she could rent his basement but she would have to work even without a car, help clean and cook, and if she so much as lit one cigarette she was out. No second chances. He came to get her and I cried for a long time. She went the next state over, thankfully leaving all the addicts she knew. Daughter knew Brother was stricter and meaner than us. She did everything he asked because she didn't want to be homeless and coming back to us was not an option. She walked to and from work in the cold Chicago winter and did not freeze or even catch a cold. She met her boyfriend that she is still with. She moved in with him. She went back to school for a two year chef certificate on her own dime. She got a loan, paid it off. They bought a house, had a beautiful baby, and cocaine and meth we're history. Yes, she also used meth. I don't know why your son sleeps all day. You don't know. Even psychiatrists don't know. Psychiatry is an inexact field....no blood tests to prove any diagnoses. I have been a mental health client for decades and I learned that when it comes to diagnosing all they can do is guess. They helped me with depression. *I* felt the drpression. I knew I had it.iThey believed me. Legal medication did wonders. But I helped myself too. I complied with treatment, did not give up when the first five medications did not help or gave me side effects, and refused to make things worse by doing any extra drugs,including alcohol. I have never been drunk in my life. My mood and life now are great. My parents didn't care about me or help me and I did it all myself. I think it's best that way. I had to do it because nobody else would. You really can't help somebody with drug or mental health issues but you can hold them back. Your son would not be allowed to live in my house if he were one of my kids. I don't want a 40 year old man in my basement. I have an autistic son and he is in his own place, working and doing life. If he can do it your son can!! He needs you to make him adult, not coddle him. Home cooked meals, doing their laundry, letting them live with us for free and paying their cell phone bill encourages them to act like little kids. In my world he would cook, clean his room and clothes and pay rent and be respectful. Your son is no longer your baby or little boy. He is an adult. He belongs to nobody. He is tall with a deep voice and hairy body and closing in on middle age. He won't get any help he needs while you baby him at home. I do not mean that in a harsh way! But society sees him as a man and will hold him to adult standards depression and anxiety or not. Those common mental illnesses he needs to fight like a man does. Yes, your son, who is used to you giving in, will maybe scream bad things about you if you tell him he has three months to leave. My daughters last words were "I will hate you forever!" It haunted me, but we are very close now. I am proud of her. But I can still hear her yelling that at me and I love her do .it broke my heart. But something had to change or she could have died or ended up in prison and I was going to Al Anon. They helped me and her. Everyone has a story and a perspective. This is mine. You deserve to have your own life now in my opinion and you can't fix your son. You can only hold him back. Take care of the one person you CAN care for....you. Read the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. It is great! It is HARD to make them adult. We cry. We worry. We wonder if we did wrong. But we do it largely for them too. You will die before him. Then what? He needs the skills to parent himself. We all do. Love and light. [/QUOTE]
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