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My BiPolar (BP) mother - on Ufo's and other paranoid thoughts - The guilt eats
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 377248" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Trinity, you have hit the nail on the head about my brother. He's always been that way. He has become more respectful of my wishes and tends to normally keep stuff about her to himself nowadays, but sometimes he crosses the line, for exactly the reasons you stated. I quickly cut him off when it happens and remind him that no, it isn't my stuff and I can't listen to it. I wish he'd completely stop and it wouldn't happen anymore. I doubt that will ever happen. Yes you are correct that he passes along my phone number etc and he for sure would love to see she and I back in contact, although I know that he knows it is not going to happen. </p><p></p><p>I guess he and I have just found our "balance" to a degree, because we aren't very entwined in each others lives. And I've made it abundantly clear that a relationship with boundaries will be nice with him but if I was pushed I would have to opt out of his life completely. He slips (like today) but he has come a long way in an effort to be able to continue to have a relationship with myself and the kids. That in itself keeps me going with him in my life to his limited degree, simply because he is willing to make the effort (and mostly succeeds) because he values me and the kids. As the years go by I do believe this will become even better between us. </p><p></p><p>He is very caught up in the games my mother plays, he is at a stage with her I was a few years back. Trying to cut that tie by bargaining with her, trying to insist and enforce boundaries, and not yet able to accept he must give up because she will never honor them. I think its simply taking longer for him to reach a point where he can put his own guilt etc aside and make a decision to remove himself from her day to day life. Maybe he wont' reach that point, I do hope that he does, for his sake. And I really hope he continues to work hard and have less and less "slips" where I end up hearing about her problems.</p><p></p><p>On a positive, we were planning a garage sale this weekend but it looks like we are going to have to cancel. Which is good ironically. My mother in law just called. My father in law passed over the summer and she's lonely as can be and begging us to come up with the kids for the long weekend. Which means hitting the lake and boating my brother in law, being "mothered" by my awesomely sweet and loving mother in law, being able to cheer her up and give her a break from the quiet in the house now that she is alone. Her voice when I said oh to heck with our advertised garage sale, we'll make the trip, was enough to make it worth it <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. She is truly a "mom", an old fashioned one. It will be good for easy child too, she needs some grandma love and my mother in law provides it in droves and buries easy child in it no different than she does with her bio grand kids. We are lucky to have her, it helps reinforce what a healthy relationship of this type should be and can be! We are leaving early in the morning. YAY!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 377248, member: 4264"] Trinity, you have hit the nail on the head about my brother. He's always been that way. He has become more respectful of my wishes and tends to normally keep stuff about her to himself nowadays, but sometimes he crosses the line, for exactly the reasons you stated. I quickly cut him off when it happens and remind him that no, it isn't my stuff and I can't listen to it. I wish he'd completely stop and it wouldn't happen anymore. I doubt that will ever happen. Yes you are correct that he passes along my phone number etc and he for sure would love to see she and I back in contact, although I know that he knows it is not going to happen. I guess he and I have just found our "balance" to a degree, because we aren't very entwined in each others lives. And I've made it abundantly clear that a relationship with boundaries will be nice with him but if I was pushed I would have to opt out of his life completely. He slips (like today) but he has come a long way in an effort to be able to continue to have a relationship with myself and the kids. That in itself keeps me going with him in my life to his limited degree, simply because he is willing to make the effort (and mostly succeeds) because he values me and the kids. As the years go by I do believe this will become even better between us. He is very caught up in the games my mother plays, he is at a stage with her I was a few years back. Trying to cut that tie by bargaining with her, trying to insist and enforce boundaries, and not yet able to accept he must give up because she will never honor them. I think its simply taking longer for him to reach a point where he can put his own guilt etc aside and make a decision to remove himself from her day to day life. Maybe he wont' reach that point, I do hope that he does, for his sake. And I really hope he continues to work hard and have less and less "slips" where I end up hearing about her problems. On a positive, we were planning a garage sale this weekend but it looks like we are going to have to cancel. Which is good ironically. My mother in law just called. My father in law passed over the summer and she's lonely as can be and begging us to come up with the kids for the long weekend. Which means hitting the lake and boating my brother in law, being "mothered" by my awesomely sweet and loving mother in law, being able to cheer her up and give her a break from the quiet in the house now that she is alone. Her voice when I said oh to heck with our advertised garage sale, we'll make the trip, was enough to make it worth it :). She is truly a "mom", an old fashioned one. It will be good for easy child too, she needs some grandma love and my mother in law provides it in droves and buries easy child in it no different than she does with her bio grand kids. We are lucky to have her, it helps reinforce what a healthy relationship of this type should be and can be! We are leaving early in the morning. YAY! [/QUOTE]
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