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My daughter is a prostitute
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 687699" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>It <em>would</em> turn out to be the mother of the bride-to-be in that stall! Maybe, you and she will become great friends. How could it be otherwise?!?</p><p></p><p>I am sorry your daughter behaved as she did. It might have been that one of the men there knew her professionally.</p><p></p><p>Do you know whether that is what happened?</p><p></p><p>That might account for Daughter's outrageous behavior at Family Dinner.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am sorry, Slimony. I did go look. Very public and no way to try to put it out of your mind. Especially with the training to specialize. That speaks to a long term commitment. </p><p></p><p>Two University degrees....</p><p></p><p>You child is making an informed choice. Really, you have no choice but to accept it.</p><p></p><p>I would not like knowing my child had chosen this profession. But, as Daughter is University-prepared, it isn't as though she could not have found other work. So, we have to conclude that you've done your best to prepare her to make her living, and she chose to do this, and that's all there is to it, for you.</p><p></p><p>Daughter will need to figure out how to behave more appropriately in Family Dinner situations where someone may know what she does for her living.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The truth is that we parents have so little say in what our children will ultimately do. Another true thing is that we can train our minds to stop judging ourselves or our children for whatever it is. That is a toughie. I was thrown for a loop at what my children were doing. It sent me into a place where I could think of nothing but how to help them when of course, there was nothing I could do to help them. I blamed myself mercilessly for their choices. And here is the thing, Slimony. That I suffered made me blind to the damage my enabling behaviors were causing. If I had not been certain that what was happening to all of us was somehow my fault, I would have been a stronger mom. Which is what they needed. It did get to a point where I said: "I love you too much to love you this way." </p><p></p><p>That happened with my family of origin, too.</p><p></p><p>We may not like what the people we love are doing, but as it turns out, we love them no matter what they are doing. Those we love are simply those we love. That is an Anne Rice quote, and totally true. </p><p></p><p>I have been in the strangest places imaginable, and have done and forgiven and gone into ten thousand kinds of denial for the sakes of those I love. I wanted everything to look right ~ to be perfect. </p><p></p><p>Honest is better. </p><p></p><p>Then, we know where we are.</p><p></p><p>It isn't like we can just turn away from them. We will miss them too much. So, we say, here are the rules I need for all of us to manage to live together happily. Then, we see what comes next, and take the consequences.</p><p></p><p>Which in my case meant that my family of origin turned away.</p><p></p><p>They loved my role more than they loved me.</p><p></p><p>It is better, to know.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So, once we have given our children our best thinking about what they are doing, and why, then we have to "sit on our lips".</p><p></p><p>I learned that phrase here on the site from a mother whose site name was Coookie Monster. Her advice has served me in good stead many times. Sometimes? I stop talking, right in the middle of a sentence.</p><p></p><p>The trick is learning to say what must be said, and saying it, but only once. </p><p></p><p>Then, we have to act on what we said. We need to behave with whatever integrity we can muster, and keep our pain about whatever happened because we took a stand to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>So says me. Today, that is what I say, anyway.</p><p></p><p>In addition to learning to sit on our lips, there is a concept called Radical Acceptance. Our situations are what they are. Once we have spoken our pieces, our adult children will surely do as they please. Our job is to be there for them emotionally ~ now, and if and when they decide to do something else. Our job is to be honest with them as we come into balance around their choices.</p><p></p><p>And not enable. </p><p></p><p>Enabling was huge, for me. Your daughter's behaviors must not be enabled. Unless no one minds, daughter will need to behave appropriately at Family Dinner or not attend.</p><p></p><p>I still think the betrayal of the Church ladies has more to do with this choice of lifestyle than it seems. </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>So...if we were going to have a look at why prostitution seems wrong, what would we find.</p><p></p><p>It's a question of respectability. Which is so often a question of docility. An independent female prostitute is someone who refuses to come under exclusive male protection. She owns herself. The value judgment being made here has to do with what value it is that is being exchanged for money. Typing skills or medical training or fighting in a ring or working in a factory for minimum wage.</p><p></p><p>Women are not supposed to own themselves to the degree that they can thumb their noses at society's mores. Lest society fall apart.</p><p></p><p>That is maybe why, though prostitution is the oldest profession, it happens in the shadows. It was interesting to me that it was the homosexual community who reminded all of us that marriage is sacred. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I understand this. It is a question of morality. She believed you'd been raised better than to believe them. It turned out she was correct about them, Slimony.</p><p></p><p>An exchange of money for value, especially in someone with University degrees, who could choose another line of work if she chose, keeps things scrupulously honest. It would be a different, and very sad situation, if your child were addicted and were forced into prostitution to service the addiction.</p><p></p><p>That would be a different situation altogether, and very sad.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 687699, member: 17461"] :O) It [I]would[/I] turn out to be the mother of the bride-to-be in that stall! Maybe, you and she will become great friends. How could it be otherwise?!? I am sorry your daughter behaved as she did. It might have been that one of the men there knew her professionally. Do you know whether that is what happened? That might account for Daughter's outrageous behavior at Family Dinner. I am sorry, Slimony. I did go look. Very public and no way to try to put it out of your mind. Especially with the training to specialize. That speaks to a long term commitment. Two University degrees.... You child is making an informed choice. Really, you have no choice but to accept it. I would not like knowing my child had chosen this profession. But, as Daughter is University-prepared, it isn't as though she could not have found other work. So, we have to conclude that you've done your best to prepare her to make her living, and she chose to do this, and that's all there is to it, for you. Daughter will need to figure out how to behave more appropriately in Family Dinner situations where someone may know what she does for her living. *** The truth is that we parents have so little say in what our children will ultimately do. Another true thing is that we can train our minds to stop judging ourselves or our children for whatever it is. That is a toughie. I was thrown for a loop at what my children were doing. It sent me into a place where I could think of nothing but how to help them when of course, there was nothing I could do to help them. I blamed myself mercilessly for their choices. And here is the thing, Slimony. That I suffered made me blind to the damage my enabling behaviors were causing. If I had not been certain that what was happening to all of us was somehow my fault, I would have been a stronger mom. Which is what they needed. It did get to a point where I said: "I love you too much to love you this way." That happened with my family of origin, too. We may not like what the people we love are doing, but as it turns out, we love them no matter what they are doing. Those we love are simply those we love. That is an Anne Rice quote, and totally true. I have been in the strangest places imaginable, and have done and forgiven and gone into ten thousand kinds of denial for the sakes of those I love. I wanted everything to look right ~ to be perfect. Honest is better. Then, we know where we are. It isn't like we can just turn away from them. We will miss them too much. So, we say, here are the rules I need for all of us to manage to live together happily. Then, we see what comes next, and take the consequences. Which in my case meant that my family of origin turned away. They loved my role more than they loved me. It is better, to know. *** So, once we have given our children our best thinking about what they are doing, and why, then we have to "sit on our lips". I learned that phrase here on the site from a mother whose site name was Coookie Monster. Her advice has served me in good stead many times. Sometimes? I stop talking, right in the middle of a sentence. The trick is learning to say what must be said, and saying it, but only once. Then, we have to act on what we said. We need to behave with whatever integrity we can muster, and keep our pain about whatever happened because we took a stand to ourselves. So says me. Today, that is what I say, anyway. In addition to learning to sit on our lips, there is a concept called Radical Acceptance. Our situations are what they are. Once we have spoken our pieces, our adult children will surely do as they please. Our job is to be there for them emotionally ~ now, and if and when they decide to do something else. Our job is to be honest with them as we come into balance around their choices. And not enable. Enabling was huge, for me. Your daughter's behaviors must not be enabled. Unless no one minds, daughter will need to behave appropriately at Family Dinner or not attend. I still think the betrayal of the Church ladies has more to do with this choice of lifestyle than it seems. *** So...if we were going to have a look at why prostitution seems wrong, what would we find. It's a question of respectability. Which is so often a question of docility. An independent female prostitute is someone who refuses to come under exclusive male protection. She owns herself. The value judgment being made here has to do with what value it is that is being exchanged for money. Typing skills or medical training or fighting in a ring or working in a factory for minimum wage. Women are not supposed to own themselves to the degree that they can thumb their noses at society's mores. Lest society fall apart. That is maybe why, though prostitution is the oldest profession, it happens in the shadows. It was interesting to me that it was the homosexual community who reminded all of us that marriage is sacred. I understand this. It is a question of morality. She believed you'd been raised better than to believe them. It turned out she was correct about them, Slimony. An exchange of money for value, especially in someone with University degrees, who could choose another line of work if she chose, keeps things scrupulously honest. It would be a different, and very sad situation, if your child were addicted and were forced into prostitution to service the addiction. That would be a different situation altogether, and very sad. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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