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My daughter is engaged to a man she has known for 5 months
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 588676" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>I have no experience in this but can hear your concern and am sorry for that.</p><p></p><p>The truth seems, as others have said here....she is an adult and will make her own choices. The military has rules and reading into why he had to pay alimony is going to be biased on your part. There is no way you can know why....sounds like it may just be military protocol. </p><p></p><p>If you are truly concerned, be supportive. Be involved. You have no idea if he might be spending money on her too. His reaching out to ask for permission is respectful and he did not have to do that. Ignoring him is hurtful and passive aggressive. I'm not saying that to criticize you. But remember, she is not doing this to hurt you. She feels that she is in love. If you have concerns, then maybe try to put them into words that are not personal attacks, but things like, we have seen you be hurt in the past and we just feel protective. You have both had bad experiences in the past, we hope you will take some time to really make sure.....but we are here for you. An apology is helpful, you don't have to apologize for how you feel, but could apologize for how you communicated your concern.</p><p></p><p>Because even if you are right and he is not the right guy for her, she is going to stay with him. You can be there to love and encourage her, or you can have her kick you out of their lives which would be very sad.</p><p></p><p>It's clear you love her. I hope you can find a way to communicate that to her without damaging your relationship.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Maybe it would help to talk to a counselor or pastor to help you develop appropriate boundaries for this stage of life (digging in her finances is not healthy at this stage of her development....having access for emergencies is fine but critiquing how she spends is not, in my humble opinion), and to learn communication skills to get through this. We are not given manuals on how to raise kids.....and this phase of life is really challenging. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can work through this. It doesn't seem worth losing your daughter over.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 588676, member: 12886"] I have no experience in this but can hear your concern and am sorry for that. The truth seems, as others have said here....she is an adult and will make her own choices. The military has rules and reading into why he had to pay alimony is going to be biased on your part. There is no way you can know why....sounds like it may just be military protocol. If you are truly concerned, be supportive. Be involved. You have no idea if he might be spending money on her too. His reaching out to ask for permission is respectful and he did not have to do that. Ignoring him is hurtful and passive aggressive. I'm not saying that to criticize you. But remember, she is not doing this to hurt you. She feels that she is in love. If you have concerns, then maybe try to put them into words that are not personal attacks, but things like, we have seen you be hurt in the past and we just feel protective. You have both had bad experiences in the past, we hope you will take some time to really make sure.....but we are here for you. An apology is helpful, you don't have to apologize for how you feel, but could apologize for how you communicated your concern. Because even if you are right and he is not the right guy for her, she is going to stay with him. You can be there to love and encourage her, or you can have her kick you out of their lives which would be very sad. It's clear you love her. I hope you can find a way to communicate that to her without damaging your relationship. Maybe it would help to talk to a counselor or pastor to help you develop appropriate boundaries for this stage of life (digging in her finances is not healthy at this stage of her development....having access for emergencies is fine but critiquing how she spends is not, in my humble opinion), and to learn communication skills to get through this. We are not given manuals on how to raise kids.....and this phase of life is really challenging. I hope you can work through this. It doesn't seem worth losing your daughter over. [/QUOTE]
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My daughter is engaged to a man she has known for 5 months
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