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My daughter is engaged to a man she has known for 5 months
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 588697" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome to the board lizabethann, I'm sorry you are going through this issue with your daughter, it sounds as if you struggling. As another parent whose grown daughter makes choices I don't agree with, I can share with you that, really, in spite of your bad feelings, in spite of the fact that you may turn out to be right, for all intents and purposes, it's none of your business. I don't mean to be insensitive, but your daughter is a grown adult woman and also a member of the armed forces, she is not a child. If she makes a bad choice, she has to live with the consequences, not you. </p><p></p><p>It's difficult to observe our kids making choices that we don't agree with, especially if we feel it will end badly. However, at some point, you have to let go and allow them to make those mistakes and learn from them. I don't think ignoring the fiance's phone call is a good idea. It promotes a feeling on her part that you are withholding your love because you don't agree with her choices, it does feel passive aggressive and manipulative as someone else mentioned. If it were me, I would apologize to her, I would call him and I would get support for myself to learn how to detach and let go and accept her choices, in spite of my own feelings about them. It is her life. I would be as supportive as I could, regardless of how I felt, to show her that I love her and believe in her. If it turns out badly, I would be supportive then as well and I would avoid saying I told you so. At this point in time, you really have no right to be digging around in her life trying to find evidence for your opinions, that sounds quite invasive to me and if she knows you did that, she may feel the same way and she would be justified in her anger. </p><p></p><p>Although its difficult to let go of our grown kids and allow them to make their own choices when we don't believe they are making good ones, it is essential to their growth and important for us to make a distinction between enabling and control and loving kindness. Your involvement in your daughter's life right now appears to be about trying to control her actions by withholding your love, which will of course make her angry. I believe you should apologize. And tell her you have these feelings but you love her and want her to be happy. Even if you "know" she is making a mistake, it really is her life to live, you can't control her choices.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 588697, member: 13542"] Welcome to the board lizabethann, I'm sorry you are going through this issue with your daughter, it sounds as if you struggling. As another parent whose grown daughter makes choices I don't agree with, I can share with you that, really, in spite of your bad feelings, in spite of the fact that you may turn out to be right, for all intents and purposes, it's none of your business. I don't mean to be insensitive, but your daughter is a grown adult woman and also a member of the armed forces, she is not a child. If she makes a bad choice, she has to live with the consequences, not you. It's difficult to observe our kids making choices that we don't agree with, especially if we feel it will end badly. However, at some point, you have to let go and allow them to make those mistakes and learn from them. I don't think ignoring the fiance's phone call is a good idea. It promotes a feeling on her part that you are withholding your love because you don't agree with her choices, it does feel passive aggressive and manipulative as someone else mentioned. If it were me, I would apologize to her, I would call him and I would get support for myself to learn how to detach and let go and accept her choices, in spite of my own feelings about them. It is her life. I would be as supportive as I could, regardless of how I felt, to show her that I love her and believe in her. If it turns out badly, I would be supportive then as well and I would avoid saying I told you so. At this point in time, you really have no right to be digging around in her life trying to find evidence for your opinions, that sounds quite invasive to me and if she knows you did that, she may feel the same way and she would be justified in her anger. Although its difficult to let go of our grown kids and allow them to make their own choices when we don't believe they are making good ones, it is essential to their growth and important for us to make a distinction between enabling and control and loving kindness. Your involvement in your daughter's life right now appears to be about trying to control her actions by withholding your love, which will of course make her angry. I believe you should apologize. And tell her you have these feelings but you love her and want her to be happy. Even if you "know" she is making a mistake, it really is her life to live, you can't control her choices. [/QUOTE]
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