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My daughter is killing me.......slowly
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 735839" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Z and welcome, so sorry for your need to be here. It is a hard reality when our kids grow into adulthood and make bad choices. We can see it, but they seem bound and determined to continue on a downhill slide. Infamous words “I am 18, I am an adult.” Ugh.</p><p>You have tried to help your daughter as best can with therapy, but she doesn’t seem to think she has a problem. That’s difficult to deal with. My twos issues were mainly drugs and partying, sleeping all day while we went off to work. My eldest had to leave at 18 because she was disrespectful and did what she pleased. She didn’t want to follow house rules.</p><p> I agree. It is a hard road to travel when our beloveds go off the rails. They are our main focus in our years raising them, it is hard to let go when they are doing well, harder still, when they are not. A drug using adult child is manipulative and smart. They know how to tug at our heartstrings and will use our love for them to keep in the comfort of our homes.</p><p>Getting help to sort out feelings is a good step towards focusing on what you can control, your emotions and reactions to whatever may come with this journey. You didn’t cause this, can’t control it or fix it. Your daughter will do as she pleases. That is not an easy fact to face.</p><p></p><p>This is the plain, simple, but hard truth of it. When we house our addicted, using adult children, we end up making it easier for them to continue on that path. Why should they change when they don’t have to feel the consequences of their choices? My two went from stealing from our wallets, change from our drawers, to what little heirloom jewelry I had, to breaking into a safe with hubs 25 year collection of jewelry he had found treasure hunting. That is all minor compared to the time spent stressing and worrying, running the gamut of emotions over their choices. Most of all, they stole precious time from us.</p><p> I don’t like the term “kicking out”. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuary, a place to come to where we feel at ease. There are rules to follow, be respectful, trustworthy. Contribute. Help out, clean up after yourself. Pay some bills.</p><p>These wayward adult kids of ours stay in our homes, doing what they want, when they want. They take advantage of family, and push limits. Cross lines. They don’t appreciate three squares, a roof over their heads. If they weren’t our kids, there is no way we would put up with the nonsense. We are not rugs to be tread upon, used and abused. They want their cake and eat it too. They try to keep us in a fog- fear, obligation and guilt.</p><p>We are afraid to have them leave, feel obligated to “help” them and reel the tapes searching through parenting mistakes to figure out what the heck went wrong.</p><p>That’s why it is important for you to build yourself up to deal with all of this. There is help out there, al anon, naranon, many books to read on addiction, websites to browse. The best way to help your daughter right now, is to help yourself.</p><p> Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We have traveled this journey and are at different places on the path and understand the pain and heartache. You are not alone, Z.</p><p>There are ways to get through this and find your peace.</p><p>It doesn’t seem possible when our beloveds are choosing as they do. What we wish most for them is to make better choices, be healthy, practice self care. We are their first role models and mentors. Be the change you wish to see in your daughter. Don’t allow her to mistreat you and the sanctity of your home. Stand up for yourself, your son and your home.</p><p>If you have a belief in a higher power, place your worries there. If not, meditate and work on reducing the stress of this. Your daughter is making unhealthy, destructive choices. Counter balance that by making good choices for yourself. Show her, through example that there is a better life. Switch focus from what she is choosing, which you have no control over, to what you can control, how <em>you choose to live.</em></p><p>Most of all, try not to write the end of the story. Hopefully your daughter will see the difficulty she is causing herself, and want better.</p><p>I really believe our kids seeing that, starts with us, <em>refusing to go down the rabbit hole with them. </em></p><p>We love them, but love says no, sets boundaries and limits.Self care and love says “I will not allow my heart to be taken advantage of and trampled on, by <em>anyone.”</em></p><p>Love does not stand for us losing all sense of self, peace and joy. No sacrifice of ourselves, will change the course our wayward adult kids choose.</p><p>Stand strong, Z, for yourself, your son, and ultimately, your daughter.</p><p>I am sorry for the pain of this. Please know you are not alone. I am glad you found us. We are here for each other.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 735839, member: 19522"] Hi Z and welcome, so sorry for your need to be here. It is a hard reality when our kids grow into adulthood and make bad choices. We can see it, but they seem bound and determined to continue on a downhill slide. Infamous words “I am 18, I am an adult.” Ugh. You have tried to help your daughter as best can with therapy, but she doesn’t seem to think she has a problem. That’s difficult to deal with. My twos issues were mainly drugs and partying, sleeping all day while we went off to work. My eldest had to leave at 18 because she was disrespectful and did what she pleased. She didn’t want to follow house rules. I agree. It is a hard road to travel when our beloveds go off the rails. They are our main focus in our years raising them, it is hard to let go when they are doing well, harder still, when they are not. A drug using adult child is manipulative and smart. They know how to tug at our heartstrings and will use our love for them to keep in the comfort of our homes. Getting help to sort out feelings is a good step towards focusing on what you can control, your emotions and reactions to whatever may come with this journey. You didn’t cause this, can’t control it or fix it. Your daughter will do as she pleases. That is not an easy fact to face. This is the plain, simple, but hard truth of it. When we house our addicted, using adult children, we end up making it easier for them to continue on that path. Why should they change when they don’t have to feel the consequences of their choices? My two went from stealing from our wallets, change from our drawers, to what little heirloom jewelry I had, to breaking into a safe with hubs 25 year collection of jewelry he had found treasure hunting. That is all minor compared to the time spent stressing and worrying, running the gamut of emotions over their choices. Most of all, they stole precious time from us. I don’t like the term “kicking out”. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuary, a place to come to where we feel at ease. There are rules to follow, be respectful, trustworthy. Contribute. Help out, clean up after yourself. Pay some bills. These wayward adult kids of ours stay in our homes, doing what they want, when they want. They take advantage of family, and push limits. Cross lines. They don’t appreciate three squares, a roof over their heads. If they weren’t our kids, there is no way we would put up with the nonsense. We are not rugs to be tread upon, used and abused. They want their cake and eat it too. They try to keep us in a fog- fear, obligation and guilt. We are afraid to have them leave, feel obligated to “help” them and reel the tapes searching through parenting mistakes to figure out what the heck went wrong. That’s why it is important for you to build yourself up to deal with all of this. There is help out there, al anon, naranon, many books to read on addiction, websites to browse. The best way to help your daughter right now, is to help yourself. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We have traveled this journey and are at different places on the path and understand the pain and heartache. You are not alone, Z. There are ways to get through this and find your peace. It doesn’t seem possible when our beloveds are choosing as they do. What we wish most for them is to make better choices, be healthy, practice self care. We are their first role models and mentors. Be the change you wish to see in your daughter. Don’t allow her to mistreat you and the sanctity of your home. Stand up for yourself, your son and your home. If you have a belief in a higher power, place your worries there. If not, meditate and work on reducing the stress of this. Your daughter is making unhealthy, destructive choices. Counter balance that by making good choices for yourself. Show her, through example that there is a better life. Switch focus from what she is choosing, which you have no control over, to what you can control, how [I]you choose to live.[/I] Most of all, try not to write the end of the story. Hopefully your daughter will see the difficulty she is causing herself, and want better. I really believe our kids seeing that, starts with us, [I]refusing to go down the rabbit hole with them. [/I] We love them, but love says no, sets boundaries and limits.Self care and love says “I will not allow my heart to be taken advantage of and trampled on, by [I]anyone.”[/I] Love does not stand for us losing all sense of self, peace and joy. No sacrifice of ourselves, will change the course our wayward adult kids choose. Stand strong, Z, for yourself, your son, and ultimately, your daughter. I am sorry for the pain of this. Please know you are not alone. I am glad you found us. We are here for each other. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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