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My kids' stepmom says she hates them.
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 567804" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>You're very welcome. I really look forward to a post one day where you update us all that you've made a game changing move in the game your ex chooses to force you and your kids to play. I will be here with party hats and noise makers and a glass of cyber bubbly. I've been where you are. So has my daughter been where your children are. </p><p></p><p>I also forgot that I wanted to share something else with you. Although my easy child has never been a difficult child, she was withdrawn, anxiety ridden, depressed, emotionally detaching from me and my s/o and her brother (due to lies and mental games from bio dad and step mom), suicidal and the bond we shared when she was little had all but disappeared. I know that you need and deserve the weekends your kids go to their dads, especially because the relationships with your kids are volatile due to their own issues. I soooo get that from my now grown former difficult child was crazy making, and I lived for him spending weekends at his grandma's. I needed it for my sanity. But with my easy child, I was used to always having those weekends for me. I have never had a sitter, couldn't afford one anyhow,no family to step in and take them for a mom break etc. So this past June, when easy child stopped all visits to her dad, it was a true shock to all of our schedules and it took quite a while to adjust, for all of us. Then the greatest thing happened. Once the drama and upset and emotional harm to my easy child from her dad and step mom was eliminated, suddenly we were TALKING. And BONDING. And then laughing. And then grateful. Because we all had NO idea how damaging her father and step moms games were to easy child's psyche. Until it was removed from the equation. And now, although I still some days wish for a night alone with s/o, it isn't hard at all. It really stabilized my easy child's moods and emotions, and allowed our relationship to strengthen based on no interference, and she was so incredibly grateful that I stood firm with her dad and step mom at court in order to protect HER from their emotional damage. She began to see me as the mother I had always been, but who she doubted because of her dad and step moms lies. I have to wonder what IF your kids, on the weekends they don't want to go, are given the option by YOU to stay home WITH CONDITIONS. 1) Respect that you are a human being with your own needs, including down time from parenting 2) Give you space and be more independent on weekends 3) Get along with each other, no sibling bickering PERIOD 4) Must get along with each other and be responsible alone together if you go out on a date with your boyfriend, which you have every right to do and they are both old enough to be alone, if they can be responsible. This may affirm to them that they have some control over their relationship with their dad. As in, well dad, you allowed your wife to say xyz last weekend, and you made us feel xyz. So this weekend, we are staying home until we get an apology and promise of change. It may also help them to see that you DO get that he has control issues, but YOU aren't going to be controlled by him any longer either. But in order to incorporate this change, it is dependent on THEIR control of their own behaviors. Do to get. So tow the line with the rules of staying home on those weekends, or it won't happen again because they too need to know as their dad does, that life doesn't stop for their own wishes. I really think that you may over time see a real change in the behaviors toward you at home from your kiddos. It does serious untold amounts of harm to kids put in these positions as your ex puts them in. It also can't be easy to be forced to go, even though you do have a right to want and need time for yourself. To your kids, they may on one level get why you need down time, but may be logically resentful that it requires them to be somewhere they don't want to be, Know what I mean?? I really really really think that perhaps a negotiated "trial" with your kids might be a good route. I just sense in my gut that your home would feel so much more balanced with your kiddos by doing whatever it takes to stop this pain these kids are constantly getting when things go chaotic with their dad. It may also have the benefit (hopefully!!!) of your ex seeing you all stand firm, and realizing that you won't stop your kids from loving him and seeing him, but it is up to him to create a welcoming and loving environment that is healthy enough for them to WANT to spend time with him in. And if it doesn't have that affect on your ex, then obviously your kids get spared years more mental anguish and emotional harm that they don't deserve, not for all the down time in China. </p><p></p><p>Sadly for us, easy child's dad walked out of her life this fall permanently, by his choice. It gutted easy child, and oh boy this is a struggle going into the holiday period. Even still, she knows she has set a trend to command healthy relationships based on love and truly good intentions. And she is learning nice and young to never ever settle for abusive treatment simply because its so difficult to picture losing someone. I also get your standpoint, even parents of easy child's need time alone, and I havent had a night without easy child since June, and that isn't changing anytime soon. Previously, until difficult child moved out last year, he spent two nights out of the home at a friends between age 12 and age 18. So even with easy child going alternating weekends, I NEVER had a free night. EVER. difficult child was home. And he was in a modified school program, so he at most was out of the house 2-3 hours per morning. He didn't even socialize outside the home with friends. And it was tough, boy sometimes it was REALLY tough. But it reaped its rewards with difficult child, and is now with my easy child. And I wouldn't go back and change it at all (although when easy child graduates and moves on to university, I may instantly move to a one bedroom to simply ensure a empty nest lol). </p><p></p><p>I honestly see so much potential in your situation to turn this around for you and for your kiddos. I know for a fact that you can do it, and I believe your kids good qualities that you share here, demonstrate they too are capable, especially without having to navigate unhealthy situations by themselves when you can't be there to help them. I hope the new year gifts you with a brand new set of glasses to view your ex, and your strong base of argument for making a new path for you and your kids. Have I mentioned the word ABUSE enough in terms of your ex? He is also abusing your children with his behaviors. They are stuck leaving the navigating up to the adults. YOU however have absolute control over him controlling you and your kids. And I KNOW you are strong enough to just turn this whole mess on its head in one fell swoop, engage your kids participation in a way that enables them to be empowered, and come back a year down the line and say WHEW! Better late than never, but things are GREAT and I done GOOD.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 567804, member: 4264"] You're very welcome. I really look forward to a post one day where you update us all that you've made a game changing move in the game your ex chooses to force you and your kids to play. I will be here with party hats and noise makers and a glass of cyber bubbly. I've been where you are. So has my daughter been where your children are. I also forgot that I wanted to share something else with you. Although my easy child has never been a difficult child, she was withdrawn, anxiety ridden, depressed, emotionally detaching from me and my s/o and her brother (due to lies and mental games from bio dad and step mom), suicidal and the bond we shared when she was little had all but disappeared. I know that you need and deserve the weekends your kids go to their dads, especially because the relationships with your kids are volatile due to their own issues. I soooo get that from my now grown former difficult child was crazy making, and I lived for him spending weekends at his grandma's. I needed it for my sanity. But with my easy child, I was used to always having those weekends for me. I have never had a sitter, couldn't afford one anyhow,no family to step in and take them for a mom break etc. So this past June, when easy child stopped all visits to her dad, it was a true shock to all of our schedules and it took quite a while to adjust, for all of us. Then the greatest thing happened. Once the drama and upset and emotional harm to my easy child from her dad and step mom was eliminated, suddenly we were TALKING. And BONDING. And then laughing. And then grateful. Because we all had NO idea how damaging her father and step moms games were to easy child's psyche. Until it was removed from the equation. And now, although I still some days wish for a night alone with s/o, it isn't hard at all. It really stabilized my easy child's moods and emotions, and allowed our relationship to strengthen based on no interference, and she was so incredibly grateful that I stood firm with her dad and step mom at court in order to protect HER from their emotional damage. She began to see me as the mother I had always been, but who she doubted because of her dad and step moms lies. I have to wonder what IF your kids, on the weekends they don't want to go, are given the option by YOU to stay home WITH CONDITIONS. 1) Respect that you are a human being with your own needs, including down time from parenting 2) Give you space and be more independent on weekends 3) Get along with each other, no sibling bickering PERIOD 4) Must get along with each other and be responsible alone together if you go out on a date with your boyfriend, which you have every right to do and they are both old enough to be alone, if they can be responsible. This may affirm to them that they have some control over their relationship with their dad. As in, well dad, you allowed your wife to say xyz last weekend, and you made us feel xyz. So this weekend, we are staying home until we get an apology and promise of change. It may also help them to see that you DO get that he has control issues, but YOU aren't going to be controlled by him any longer either. But in order to incorporate this change, it is dependent on THEIR control of their own behaviors. Do to get. So tow the line with the rules of staying home on those weekends, or it won't happen again because they too need to know as their dad does, that life doesn't stop for their own wishes. I really think that you may over time see a real change in the behaviors toward you at home from your kiddos. It does serious untold amounts of harm to kids put in these positions as your ex puts them in. It also can't be easy to be forced to go, even though you do have a right to want and need time for yourself. To your kids, they may on one level get why you need down time, but may be logically resentful that it requires them to be somewhere they don't want to be, Know what I mean?? I really really really think that perhaps a negotiated "trial" with your kids might be a good route. I just sense in my gut that your home would feel so much more balanced with your kiddos by doing whatever it takes to stop this pain these kids are constantly getting when things go chaotic with their dad. It may also have the benefit (hopefully!!!) of your ex seeing you all stand firm, and realizing that you won't stop your kids from loving him and seeing him, but it is up to him to create a welcoming and loving environment that is healthy enough for them to WANT to spend time with him in. And if it doesn't have that affect on your ex, then obviously your kids get spared years more mental anguish and emotional harm that they don't deserve, not for all the down time in China. Sadly for us, easy child's dad walked out of her life this fall permanently, by his choice. It gutted easy child, and oh boy this is a struggle going into the holiday period. Even still, she knows she has set a trend to command healthy relationships based on love and truly good intentions. And she is learning nice and young to never ever settle for abusive treatment simply because its so difficult to picture losing someone. I also get your standpoint, even parents of easy child's need time alone, and I havent had a night without easy child since June, and that isn't changing anytime soon. Previously, until difficult child moved out last year, he spent two nights out of the home at a friends between age 12 and age 18. So even with easy child going alternating weekends, I NEVER had a free night. EVER. difficult child was home. And he was in a modified school program, so he at most was out of the house 2-3 hours per morning. He didn't even socialize outside the home with friends. And it was tough, boy sometimes it was REALLY tough. But it reaped its rewards with difficult child, and is now with my easy child. And I wouldn't go back and change it at all (although when easy child graduates and moves on to university, I may instantly move to a one bedroom to simply ensure a empty nest lol). I honestly see so much potential in your situation to turn this around for you and for your kiddos. I know for a fact that you can do it, and I believe your kids good qualities that you share here, demonstrate they too are capable, especially without having to navigate unhealthy situations by themselves when you can't be there to help them. I hope the new year gifts you with a brand new set of glasses to view your ex, and your strong base of argument for making a new path for you and your kids. Have I mentioned the word ABUSE enough in terms of your ex? He is also abusing your children with his behaviors. They are stuck leaving the navigating up to the adults. YOU however have absolute control over him controlling you and your kids. And I KNOW you are strong enough to just turn this whole mess on its head in one fell swoop, engage your kids participation in a way that enables them to be empowered, and come back a year down the line and say WHEW! Better late than never, but things are GREAT and I done GOOD. [/QUOTE]
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