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<blockquote data-quote="mattsmom27" data-source="post: 10762" data-attributes="member: 50"><p>Urgh! I know I already posted on this thread but I just caught up on other's replies and they are all so on the spot.</p><p>My mother is Toxic, with a capitol T. I completely relate. I think that toxic parents are the hardest people to let go of, to have to decide to turn away from. I have struggled with it for so long, all of my life really. I have had a year or two at a time with no contact, and somehow I end up allowing myself to be sucked back in. I guess I spent alot of time kidding myself that she would realize after a year or two of no contact that to be in my life meant she needed to be an actual mother, a healthy part of my life. It never lasted, thus I know I was kidding myself. I let go of the idea of a "mother" in typical sense. That helped immensely. She simply is not capable of becoming/being what she has never been, nor desired to be. The last remaining hurtle for me is guilt. Not guilt she tries to place on me. Oh she tries but I seem to have no problem seeing that it is misplaced. It is the guilt I foolishly put on myself that is the problem. The feeling of "obligation". The "sympathy" and feeling bad for her lonely existance.</p><p>I am back in the "she is far too toxic to be involved with" mode. I am praying I have strength to make this stick this time. It really is a dramatic difference in me and my kids day to day lives without her involved in it. There is a noticable difference in my mood and emotional state the very second the phone rings and it's her on the line, let alone if she is coming to visit etc. </p><p>I am trying to be strong and not feel obligated to fill her lonely existance at my own or my children's expense. My extended family is so small. Not one of them have had contact with my mother in about 6 years, even the ones in town. She was not at my aunts funeral a few years ago, her own sister. She had not spoken to her for a few years prior to her passing. The reason? My aunt said a polite but firm "No, I can't help you" to one of my mothers endless requests for financial help. First no their entire lives, no rudeness etc. Just a no, I'm sorry, I can't. And 50plus years of sisterhood was thrown away by my mother. Gives you some insight into my mother's mentality of what she "really" wants people in her life for. </p><p>That leaves only my brother and myself. My brother lives 2 hours away. He purposely had long distance taken off his phone and lied and said because of bad bills the company disallowed long distance. This was simply to give an excuse for him to not have to call her. I am the only family in town that was speaking to her. Now she has nobody. She has lost all but one friend. As of this past Christmas, this friend who has been around for more than 30 years is ready to say goodbye to my mother too. Their contact at this point is as minimal as this woman can get away with. </p><p>What a lonely life for a woman nearing 60 years old. I know she brought it on herself and she is facing living the end of her life alone because she earned nothing more from anyone. At the same time, I end up talking myself into obligation to her as my parent. </p><p>These things are never easy. I am glad to hear that you see your mothers issues for what they are and that you will not be doing a party for her. I am glad to hear you limit contact to what you can deal with at any given time. Sometimes that is the only thing you can do, things on YOUR terms, because it seems like if it was on HER terms, you and your family pay the price.</p><p>Again I'm sorry about the missed party. I'm sorry that you are one of "us", the adult children of parents who don't know what "parenting" even is. You have become a mother who knows better from not having what you needed from your mother. Sad roots to your loving mothering, but a gift to your children that you went BEYOND what you were shown and gave and continue to give a true mothers love and attention.</p><p>You have alot to be proud of! Stay strong.</p><p></p><p>Melissa</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mattsmom27, post: 10762, member: 50"] Urgh! I know I already posted on this thread but I just caught up on other's replies and they are all so on the spot. My mother is Toxic, with a capitol T. I completely relate. I think that toxic parents are the hardest people to let go of, to have to decide to turn away from. I have struggled with it for so long, all of my life really. I have had a year or two at a time with no contact, and somehow I end up allowing myself to be sucked back in. I guess I spent alot of time kidding myself that she would realize after a year or two of no contact that to be in my life meant she needed to be an actual mother, a healthy part of my life. It never lasted, thus I know I was kidding myself. I let go of the idea of a "mother" in typical sense. That helped immensely. She simply is not capable of becoming/being what she has never been, nor desired to be. The last remaining hurtle for me is guilt. Not guilt she tries to place on me. Oh she tries but I seem to have no problem seeing that it is misplaced. It is the guilt I foolishly put on myself that is the problem. The feeling of "obligation". The "sympathy" and feeling bad for her lonely existance. I am back in the "she is far too toxic to be involved with" mode. I am praying I have strength to make this stick this time. It really is a dramatic difference in me and my kids day to day lives without her involved in it. There is a noticable difference in my mood and emotional state the very second the phone rings and it's her on the line, let alone if she is coming to visit etc. I am trying to be strong and not feel obligated to fill her lonely existance at my own or my children's expense. My extended family is so small. Not one of them have had contact with my mother in about 6 years, even the ones in town. She was not at my aunts funeral a few years ago, her own sister. She had not spoken to her for a few years prior to her passing. The reason? My aunt said a polite but firm "No, I can't help you" to one of my mothers endless requests for financial help. First no their entire lives, no rudeness etc. Just a no, I'm sorry, I can't. And 50plus years of sisterhood was thrown away by my mother. Gives you some insight into my mother's mentality of what she "really" wants people in her life for. That leaves only my brother and myself. My brother lives 2 hours away. He purposely had long distance taken off his phone and lied and said because of bad bills the company disallowed long distance. This was simply to give an excuse for him to not have to call her. I am the only family in town that was speaking to her. Now she has nobody. She has lost all but one friend. As of this past Christmas, this friend who has been around for more than 30 years is ready to say goodbye to my mother too. Their contact at this point is as minimal as this woman can get away with. What a lonely life for a woman nearing 60 years old. I know she brought it on herself and she is facing living the end of her life alone because she earned nothing more from anyone. At the same time, I end up talking myself into obligation to her as my parent. These things are never easy. I am glad to hear that you see your mothers issues for what they are and that you will not be doing a party for her. I am glad to hear you limit contact to what you can deal with at any given time. Sometimes that is the only thing you can do, things on YOUR terms, because it seems like if it was on HER terms, you and your family pay the price. Again I'm sorry about the missed party. I'm sorry that you are one of "us", the adult children of parents who don't know what "parenting" even is. You have become a mother who knows better from not having what you needed from your mother. Sad roots to your loving mothering, but a gift to your children that you went BEYOND what you were shown and gave and continue to give a true mothers love and attention. You have alot to be proud of! Stay strong. Melissa [/QUOTE]
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