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My son is out. Again.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704041" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You know, I do not feel so much guilt.</p><p></p><p>I feel all of the D words: defeated, desolate, dejected, despair, destitute (have I missed any?)</p><p></p><p>But I think their is a basis of shame. I feel victimized. I allowed him to victimize me. I opened, and he trashed. Of course this has happened before in my life. And it was defining.</p><p></p><p>So, I need to remember this. And it is clarifying. Thank you. I am his mother and not his victim.</p><p></p><p>A mother opens, and opens again. A victim closes.</p><p></p><p>M and I spent some time talking. He is beside himself with worry. Imagine that? You see, I have this place where I can go to, to retreat. (It is the <em>I hate you part of me--I can go there to hide out.) </em></p><p></p><p>And M is not like this. He is legitimately worried that my child is out in the cold. He does not regret the confrontation. He regrets that as a cause of my son's choices, he is in the cold. And more than once he has wanted to go to find him. And I do not want him to.</p><p></p><p>So M says that I do not really feel what I think I feel: <em>The never, ever part.</em></p><p></p><p>I had said <em>the only regret is that I will have nobody to take care of me when I am very old and dying.</em> (M thinks this is nonsense.)</p><p></p><p>And he said something else interesting; he said when my mother was in her last year in her house alone and I went to her--that she did not need me. <em>That I needed her</em>. That I had hidden and guarded my great love for my mother in some corner of my heart and I needed to have it revealed. I needed to express my intense love for my mother that I had been afraid of for my whole life.</p><p></p><p>And he said something else interesting: he said he could care less if we fail over and over again with my son. Or whether my son thinks we are idiots or not. The only important thing to him, is that we try to help him be a good person. It only troubles him so much because he fears that <em>my son does not love me</em>.It is a terribly difficult thing to not be loved in the way you need. And not the job of a child to provide that love. But there is the truth of it. When I adopted my son, I needed to love and to be loved. He was my heart's desire.</p><p></p><p>I don't know really quite what to do. I don't mean about him, but about me. The only thing I can think of is to try to live better. To enrich my environment, to reach out to others for support, to companionship and pleasure. Excitement and adventure. Activities and endeavors that give me a sense of self-worth and self-regard. The sense my life has had meaning.</p><p></p><p>There is a relief in this. I have used the phrase, <em>let him stew in his own juices.</em></p><p></p><p>And I will stew in my own.</p><p></p><p>Except I am backsliding. At any moment he could have reversed this by going to the drug store and buying a cheap over the counter drug test. He was the one who told me of their availability. Yet he knew he did not have that out. And yet he kept denying it all. And blaming us. And taking the moral high ground. When we have the weed.</p><p></p><p><em>I didn't use marijuana. There was no marijuana. I didn't use marijuana in the house.</em></p><p></p><p>It is heart-wrenching. What we live through.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704041, member: 18958"] You know, I do not feel so much guilt. I feel all of the D words: defeated, desolate, dejected, despair, destitute (have I missed any?) But I think their is a basis of shame. I feel victimized. I allowed him to victimize me. I opened, and he trashed. Of course this has happened before in my life. And it was defining. So, I need to remember this. And it is clarifying. Thank you. I am his mother and not his victim. A mother opens, and opens again. A victim closes. M and I spent some time talking. He is beside himself with worry. Imagine that? You see, I have this place where I can go to, to retreat. (It is the [I]I hate you part of me--I can go there to hide out.) [/I] And M is not like this. He is legitimately worried that my child is out in the cold. He does not regret the confrontation. He regrets that as a cause of my son's choices, he is in the cold. And more than once he has wanted to go to find him. And I do not want him to. So M says that I do not really feel what I think I feel: [I]The never, ever part.[/I] I had said [I]the only regret is that I will have nobody to take care of me when I am very old and dying.[/I] (M thinks this is nonsense.) And he said something else interesting; he said when my mother was in her last year in her house alone and I went to her--that she did not need me. [I]That I needed her[/I]. That I had hidden and guarded my great love for my mother in some corner of my heart and I needed to have it revealed. I needed to express my intense love for my mother that I had been afraid of for my whole life. And he said something else interesting: he said he could care less if we fail over and over again with my son. Or whether my son thinks we are idiots or not. The only important thing to him, is that we try to help him be a good person. It only troubles him so much because he fears that [I]my son does not love me[/I].It is a terribly difficult thing to not be loved in the way you need. And not the job of a child to provide that love. But there is the truth of it. When I adopted my son, I needed to love and to be loved. He was my heart's desire. I don't know really quite what to do. I don't mean about him, but about me. The only thing I can think of is to try to live better. To enrich my environment, to reach out to others for support, to companionship and pleasure. Excitement and adventure. Activities and endeavors that give me a sense of self-worth and self-regard. The sense my life has had meaning. There is a relief in this. I have used the phrase, [I]let him stew in his own juices.[/I] And I will stew in my own. Except I am backsliding. At any moment he could have reversed this by going to the drug store and buying a cheap over the counter drug test. He was the one who told me of their availability. Yet he knew he did not have that out. And yet he kept denying it all. And blaming us. And taking the moral high ground. When we have the weed. [I]I didn't use marijuana. There was no marijuana. I didn't use marijuana in the house.[/I] It is heart-wrenching. What we live through. [/QUOTE]
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