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My son is out. Again.
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 704047" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Copa,</p><p>I’ve read your recent posts on this thread and also your comments on Alb’s thread. I wanted to reply, but am still trying to digest it all. I see much inconsistency and contradictions in all the interactions you are describing with son, with M, with your mother, and your past, etc. I don’t feel ready yet to really clarify specific helpful insight. But a few things have jumped out at me.</p><p></p><p>This whole forum, and the many stories of deliverance here as well as stories of “keeping it together” day by day, seems to come around to the only way to find peace for both ourselves and our difficult children is through the process of really understanding and implementing <u>detachment</u>. It’s usually the first thing we introduce newcomers to read about and learn.</p><p></p><p> Detachment includes the following:</p><p>· ~ Full acceptance (and thankfulness) of our adult difficult children for who they are ~ not approval of their behavior, not pride in their intellect or accomplishments, but releasing them and giving them their right to be free to be who they are because they adults, and because we are powerless to fix or control them. Any attempt only brings misery, as you are experiencing.</p><p></p><p>· ~ Detachment from the outcome / result of the choices (even destructive choices, which we may initially see as betrayal, or painful) that they make in their lives. <em>This is another “D” word <u>Detachment</u> (connoting the opposite of the “D” words you mentioned in #10 post above).</em> Detachment from the outcome is releasing our own desires, our attachment to the likes and comforts we know or wish for, detaching from /releasing fear and insecurity of what may happen, and realizing (with thanksgiving) that it will be what it will be, and we will survive and handle it.</p><p></p><p>I must <u>disagree</u> here or clarify my understanding here.</p><p></p><p>· ~ The (Detachment) process is <strong><u>designed to be HEALING (not hurtful.)</u></strong> Wounds can remain painful as they are in the initial healing process, but the design is to HEAL / so soothe / to relieve ~ not hurt.</p><p></p><p>· ~ Only if we resist, keep fighting it, feel victimized, want to stay in control, remain enabling, keep opening the boundary gates, keep in the "rinse / repeat" pattern .... then yes, it does keeps hurting ~ over and over ~ until we learn what we need to.</p><p></p><p>I see you are strong, Copa, and see that you are processing your feelings, issues, and understandings of all of you (son, M, mother, yourself, backgrounds, values, etc.) I think a lot of what we all once had as expectations and that we felt was important to us needs to change / to be flushed out in finding peace with our difficult children. I look at it as <u>necessary losses</u> to “give in” and “surrender” and to say “yes” to what is (what we cannot change), and exercise the loving detachment we are focused on here. Often we find in the losses, that the <u>endings are new beginnings.</u></p><p></p><p>I’ll keep following along, and lift best wishes for you, dear.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 704047, member: 19617"] Copa, I’ve read your recent posts on this thread and also your comments on Alb’s thread. I wanted to reply, but am still trying to digest it all. I see much inconsistency and contradictions in all the interactions you are describing with son, with M, with your mother, and your past, etc. I don’t feel ready yet to really clarify specific helpful insight. But a few things have jumped out at me. This whole forum, and the many stories of deliverance here as well as stories of “keeping it together” day by day, seems to come around to the only way to find peace for both ourselves and our difficult children is through the process of really understanding and implementing [U]detachment[/U]. It’s usually the first thing we introduce newcomers to read about and learn. Detachment includes the following: · ~ Full acceptance (and thankfulness) of our adult difficult children for who they are ~ not approval of their behavior, not pride in their intellect or accomplishments, but releasing them and giving them their right to be free to be who they are because they adults, and because we are powerless to fix or control them. Any attempt only brings misery, as you are experiencing. · ~ Detachment from the outcome / result of the choices (even destructive choices, which we may initially see as betrayal, or painful) that they make in their lives. [I]This is another “D” word [U]Detachment[/U] (connoting the opposite of the “D” words you mentioned in #10 post above).[/I] Detachment from the outcome is releasing our own desires, our attachment to the likes and comforts we know or wish for, detaching from /releasing fear and insecurity of what may happen, and realizing (with thanksgiving) that it will be what it will be, and we will survive and handle it. I must [U]disagree[/U] here or clarify my understanding here. · ~ The (Detachment) process is [B][U]designed to be HEALING (not hurtful.)[/U][/B] Wounds can remain painful as they are in the initial healing process, but the design is to HEAL / so soothe / to relieve ~ not hurt. · ~ Only if we resist, keep fighting it, feel victimized, want to stay in control, remain enabling, keep opening the boundary gates, keep in the "rinse / repeat" pattern .... then yes, it does keeps hurting ~ over and over ~ until we learn what we need to. I see you are strong, Copa, and see that you are processing your feelings, issues, and understandings of all of you (son, M, mother, yourself, backgrounds, values, etc.) I think a lot of what we all once had as expectations and that we felt was important to us needs to change / to be flushed out in finding peace with our difficult children. I look at it as [U]necessary losses[/U] to “give in” and “surrender” and to say “yes” to what is (what we cannot change), and exercise the loving detachment we are focused on here. Often we find in the losses, that the [U]endings are new beginnings.[/U] I’ll keep following along, and lift best wishes for you, dear. [/QUOTE]
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