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Parent Emeritus
My son is out. Again.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704058" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I hate this idea more than anything you can imagine. I have hated it for decades. There is nothing in me that has lived to surrender. And I know you are right.</p><p> People really like my son. They describe him as a great guy. They see him as highly intelligent. He is considered to have excellent social skills and has beautiful manners, socially, but I wish he would sit down at the table when he eats. People gravitate towards him; the therapist at the Residential Treatment Center said he was beloved by the therapists with close relationships to fellow residents. While he is arrogant with us, he is not so, with other people. He speaks 2 foreign languages perfectly, like a native. He is self-taught. He is a kind, kind soul.</p><p></p><p>There is a lot to be proud of about him. A whole lot. Actually, I do not know anybody like him. He is unique.</p><p></p><p>I am not expecting my son to be a carbon copy of me or anybody else.</p><p></p><p>I would like it if he realized that the government is not giving him $900 a month to smoke marijuana and be homeless or nearly so. But I realize I cannot want that. So, I will let it go.</p><p></p><p>My son resists with all his might, being independent and responsible. He seeks a responsible adult who will accept responsibility for him and give him a refuge, while he does whatever he wants and imposes his own terms. He forces the "helper" to send him away, to reject him totally. Because he seems unable or unwilling to limit his own will--and not impose it on the very people who have tried to help him.</p><p></p><p>The operative word, is boundaries. When he shows up at my door again, I know the drill.</p><p></p><p>I saw this very, very clearly during the years he was away. In the 10 months since he came back, I have been caught up. I can blame M, but I bought in too.</p><p>I will accept him and his life. But I will step back. Step away. This is what I will do. What I have always done.</p><p></p><p>But there is nothing at all in my makeup that would allow me to do this without killing off part of myself.</p><p></p><p>I am the sort of woman that is caricatured as over involved, over dramatic, intense, fluid, and reactive. Think of an opera singer, preferably Italian or greek. Or Anna Magnani, the Italian film star would fit here very, very nicely. <u>The Rose Tatoo,</u> a wonderful movie, might convey the scene.</p><p></p><p>This kind of woman does not let go. Cannot. Will not. Men like her fall on their swords or do honor killings. Women like me wait for ships to come in, in the cold, cold night, until they die.</p><p></p><p>I will love my son, but my love will come from an insulated heart. I will cease all involvement in his life. I will have no conditions. As of now, I am indifferent to the marijuana, and the SSI. While I care deeply if he lives or dies, I realize there is not one thing I can do.</p><p></p><p>I will survive this. I will overcome it. I will even transcend it. But I can never, will never detach. I will go through the motions. I did it before and I will retreat again. Rightly or wrongly, this is what I am made of. I will not change.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704058, member: 18958"] I hate this idea more than anything you can imagine. I have hated it for decades. There is nothing in me that has lived to surrender. And I know you are right. People really like my son. They describe him as a great guy. They see him as highly intelligent. He is considered to have excellent social skills and has beautiful manners, socially, but I wish he would sit down at the table when he eats. People gravitate towards him; the therapist at the Residential Treatment Center said he was beloved by the therapists with close relationships to fellow residents. While he is arrogant with us, he is not so, with other people. He speaks 2 foreign languages perfectly, like a native. He is self-taught. He is a kind, kind soul. There is a lot to be proud of about him. A whole lot. Actually, I do not know anybody like him. He is unique. I am not expecting my son to be a carbon copy of me or anybody else. I would like it if he realized that the government is not giving him $900 a month to smoke marijuana and be homeless or nearly so. But I realize I cannot want that. So, I will let it go. My son resists with all his might, being independent and responsible. He seeks a responsible adult who will accept responsibility for him and give him a refuge, while he does whatever he wants and imposes his own terms. He forces the "helper" to send him away, to reject him totally. Because he seems unable or unwilling to limit his own will--and not impose it on the very people who have tried to help him. The operative word, is boundaries. When he shows up at my door again, I know the drill. I saw this very, very clearly during the years he was away. In the 10 months since he came back, I have been caught up. I can blame M, but I bought in too. I will accept him and his life. But I will step back. Step away. This is what I will do. What I have always done. But there is nothing at all in my makeup that would allow me to do this without killing off part of myself. I am the sort of woman that is caricatured as over involved, over dramatic, intense, fluid, and reactive. Think of an opera singer, preferably Italian or greek. Or Anna Magnani, the Italian film star would fit here very, very nicely. [U]The Rose Tatoo,[/U] a wonderful movie, might convey the scene. This kind of woman does not let go. Cannot. Will not. Men like her fall on their swords or do honor killings. Women like me wait for ships to come in, in the cold, cold night, until they die. I will love my son, but my love will come from an insulated heart. I will cease all involvement in his life. I will have no conditions. As of now, I am indifferent to the marijuana, and the SSI. While I care deeply if he lives or dies, I realize there is not one thing I can do. I will survive this. I will overcome it. I will even transcend it. But I can never, will never detach. I will go through the motions. I did it before and I will retreat again. Rightly or wrongly, this is what I am made of. I will not change. [/QUOTE]
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