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My son is out. Again.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704082" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Kalahou, yours was a beautiful post and I am grateful for your expression of your point of view. I want to tell you how my viewpoint differs.</p><p></p><p>Not everybody aims for detachment, nor should they. Some parents choose to detach some, others for a time, and then move closer. I think detachment can help and it can hurt. And there are different views of family, how it is lived throughout the lifespan. There are too many variables between cultures, families, individuals, really, to be able to say that definitely, detachment is our goal, our universal goal. To me there is no one size fits all remedy. Detachment is one tool, in a varied tool kit. I have used it. It seemed to work, then. Looking back, I wonder if I made the right choice.</p><p></p><p>But I believe that detachment is not necessarily the ultimate goal for everybody. And should they not reach it, this does not mean they are not fully evolved, or more conflicted or more limited or confused or weak, or any other thing. Because, of course, we are all of us, these things. Human.</p><p></p><p>Nor do I believe detachment necessarily helps all of our children for an extended period. Often our children require our support for their whole lives, to one degree or another. There are parents here whose children have some degree of mental retardation, developmental disabilities, serious mental illness, or severe health problems, including brain injury. My own son has a combination of these.</p><p></p><p>Not all of the adult children of ours are either drug involved or involved with crime and the criminal system. Not all of them have been violent to us or to anybody else. I agree. In cases such as these, detachment can be a solace to a parent.</p><p></p><p>To detach from a child who will always need some kind of support, is not a goal that I would want to strive for. Nor do I want to detach from a child where the jury is still out--as to whether they can benefit from support and structure.</p><p></p><p>There is also the personality of the individual parent, as mediated by our differing cultures. There are some parents who will never find contentment in full-on detachment. The benefits, freedom, self-realization, peace of mind, diminishing responsibility--whatever--would be outweighed by the costs, to the child, the parent or both.</p><p></p><p>When I replied to your post I did so in a way that stigmatized me, as somehow damaged or defective--for loving too much. In retrospect, I believe my reply did not serve others well. Nor did it serve me well.</p><p></p><p>There are many parents on this board who, like me, strive to stay connected and involved in their child's life. They do so primarily not because of some limit on their part but because of their sense of responsibility and their conscious intention to support growth and responsibility in their child. </p><p></p><p>This is not to say that we can force growth and maturation and responsibility and self-care. But sometimes we can support it. Sometimes. If the child is unrelenting in her rejection of responsibility, or seriously and continually undermining the relationship, or the support is enabling regression or more serious misbehaviors and greater loss of autonomy--these have to be considered. And of course this: serious mistreatment of the parents, how could this be validly advocated or continued?</p><p></p><p>Is it not a type of cost-benefit ratio, an equilibrium that is dynamic and constantly changing?</p><p></p><p>I am in the process of deciding what to do. Honestly, after a 24 hour respite, I am in a holding pattern. Waiting to see what will happen. I slept not a minute. It is cold here. But we are agreed that we will not change our conditions. We are also agreed that if my son himself decides to get a clean drug test, and to tell us clearly that he accepts responsibility for having failed himself, we will reconsider our support. M has said this explicitly. I agree. Or more to the point, my stronger part agrees.</p><p></p><p>While I respect the Al Anon and 12 step ideology, it is not the only viewpoint or value system that I adhere to.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704082, member: 18958"] Kalahou, yours was a beautiful post and I am grateful for your expression of your point of view. I want to tell you how my viewpoint differs. Not everybody aims for detachment, nor should they. Some parents choose to detach some, others for a time, and then move closer. I think detachment can help and it can hurt. And there are different views of family, how it is lived throughout the lifespan. There are too many variables between cultures, families, individuals, really, to be able to say that definitely, detachment is our goal, our universal goal. To me there is no one size fits all remedy. Detachment is one tool, in a varied tool kit. I have used it. It seemed to work, then. Looking back, I wonder if I made the right choice. But I believe that detachment is not necessarily the ultimate goal for everybody. And should they not reach it, this does not mean they are not fully evolved, or more conflicted or more limited or confused or weak, or any other thing. Because, of course, we are all of us, these things. Human. Nor do I believe detachment necessarily helps all of our children for an extended period. Often our children require our support for their whole lives, to one degree or another. There are parents here whose children have some degree of mental retardation, developmental disabilities, serious mental illness, or severe health problems, including brain injury. My own son has a combination of these. Not all of the adult children of ours are either drug involved or involved with crime and the criminal system. Not all of them have been violent to us or to anybody else. I agree. In cases such as these, detachment can be a solace to a parent. To detach from a child who will always need some kind of support, is not a goal that I would want to strive for. Nor do I want to detach from a child where the jury is still out--as to whether they can benefit from support and structure. There is also the personality of the individual parent, as mediated by our differing cultures. There are some parents who will never find contentment in full-on detachment. The benefits, freedom, self-realization, peace of mind, diminishing responsibility--whatever--would be outweighed by the costs, to the child, the parent or both. When I replied to your post I did so in a way that stigmatized me, as somehow damaged or defective--for loving too much. In retrospect, I believe my reply did not serve others well. Nor did it serve me well. There are many parents on this board who, like me, strive to stay connected and involved in their child's life. They do so primarily not because of some limit on their part but because of their sense of responsibility and their conscious intention to support growth and responsibility in their child. This is not to say that we can force growth and maturation and responsibility and self-care. But sometimes we can support it. Sometimes. If the child is unrelenting in her rejection of responsibility, or seriously and continually undermining the relationship, or the support is enabling regression or more serious misbehaviors and greater loss of autonomy--these have to be considered. And of course this: serious mistreatment of the parents, how could this be validly advocated or continued? Is it not a type of cost-benefit ratio, an equilibrium that is dynamic and constantly changing? I am in the process of deciding what to do. Honestly, after a 24 hour respite, I am in a holding pattern. Waiting to see what will happen. I slept not a minute. It is cold here. But we are agreed that we will not change our conditions. We are also agreed that if my son himself decides to get a clean drug test, and to tell us clearly that he accepts responsibility for having failed himself, we will reconsider our support. M has said this explicitly. I agree. Or more to the point, my stronger part agrees. While I respect the Al Anon and 12 step ideology, it is not the only viewpoint or value system that I adhere to. [/QUOTE]
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