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My son is out. Again.
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 704198" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Copa - I totally totally get where you are coming from and the conundrum we face. I have done tough love (hence my name). We kicked my son out of the house when he was 18 and completely violating all our rules. We have drug tested and done all that. And he has been homeless and on the streets of Denver in the middle of winter. So we have been really tough and it was probably the right thing at the time. We had a younger daughter at home and we had to protect her. </p><p>And my son has been in rehab a million times. And he has been in jail. And none of it solved the issues and he did not fully and finally get into recovery. At this point he doesn't even see himself as an addict or alcoholic!! So none of that worked really.</p><p></p><p>At the same time, he has matured some. He is now 25. He has taken some responsibility for his actions. All of that has made him much less entitled than when he was 18. He wants to get his life together..... although I am not sure in his mind that he sees not using substances as a requirement to do this.</p><p></p><p>What I have come to at least for the moment... .and this may totally change again...is that the only way he is going to get his life together is if he wants to and the best way for him to do it is to have the support and love and connection with his family. I dont think he will or can do it without that. So for now my goal is to give him support, love and connection. He is living with us as long as he is respectful of us and treating us reasonably. I will not live in a home that is chaotic and not peaceful again.</p><p></p><p>Today he ended up giving up the job he had for a week. His reasons were understandable. He talked to me about it. And he dealt with it in an honorable way and it probably was a good decision because I think it really was a job he is not cut out for. It was not due at all to substance use. So I was understanding and supportive. He is also dealing with a difficult situation with a girl and we actually also talked about that and I was supportive there too. I was happy he talked to me about it. He did not completely shut me out and so this is progress.</p><p></p><p>So I agree there are strongly differing viewpoints of approach. I am not sure there is one right answer. I do believe in letting them suffer the consequences of their actions.... but I also believe that love and connection can make a difference. I also have come strongly to the point of view that we cannot control what they do and so limits and boundaries we set need to be clearly about things that directly affect us. To me this is what detachment is really about. It is not about detaching so that we have no contact or we have no connection.... it is detaching our happiness and our own peace of mind from what they are doing. I am doing my best to live my life, and to continue to enjoy my life no matter what my son is doing. Some days this is easier to do that others.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 704198, member: 15801"] Copa - I totally totally get where you are coming from and the conundrum we face. I have done tough love (hence my name). We kicked my son out of the house when he was 18 and completely violating all our rules. We have drug tested and done all that. And he has been homeless and on the streets of Denver in the middle of winter. So we have been really tough and it was probably the right thing at the time. We had a younger daughter at home and we had to protect her. And my son has been in rehab a million times. And he has been in jail. And none of it solved the issues and he did not fully and finally get into recovery. At this point he doesn't even see himself as an addict or alcoholic!! So none of that worked really. At the same time, he has matured some. He is now 25. He has taken some responsibility for his actions. All of that has made him much less entitled than when he was 18. He wants to get his life together..... although I am not sure in his mind that he sees not using substances as a requirement to do this. What I have come to at least for the moment... .and this may totally change again...is that the only way he is going to get his life together is if he wants to and the best way for him to do it is to have the support and love and connection with his family. I dont think he will or can do it without that. So for now my goal is to give him support, love and connection. He is living with us as long as he is respectful of us and treating us reasonably. I will not live in a home that is chaotic and not peaceful again. Today he ended up giving up the job he had for a week. His reasons were understandable. He talked to me about it. And he dealt with it in an honorable way and it probably was a good decision because I think it really was a job he is not cut out for. It was not due at all to substance use. So I was understanding and supportive. He is also dealing with a difficult situation with a girl and we actually also talked about that and I was supportive there too. I was happy he talked to me about it. He did not completely shut me out and so this is progress. So I agree there are strongly differing viewpoints of approach. I am not sure there is one right answer. I do believe in letting them suffer the consequences of their actions.... but I also believe that love and connection can make a difference. I also have come strongly to the point of view that we cannot control what they do and so limits and boundaries we set need to be clearly about things that directly affect us. To me this is what detachment is really about. It is not about detaching so that we have no contact or we have no connection.... it is detaching our happiness and our own peace of mind from what they are doing. I am doing my best to live my life, and to continue to enjoy my life no matter what my son is doing. Some days this is easier to do that others. [/QUOTE]
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