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My son is out. Again.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704366" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think that what is crucial to me, is giving up any notion of control. That there is not one thing I can do to influence or affect his improving his life. And living with the reality of how he chooses to live his life. And detaching from it, as opposed to detaching from him.</p><p></p><p>TL, how would you feel if your son continued using marijuana or other harder drugs around you? And how would you feel if he was not seeking work or did not want to seek work?</p><p></p><p>To what extent do you think you would support him, that is, allow him to stay with you, or to subsidize him in any way (not necessarily money) and accept his lifestyle, with the hope that he would some day change?</p><p></p><p>Because that is the reality I am dealing with. If I decided to let him back into the other property I would be admitting that I have no power to change him, and I would be accepting that I was consenting to his life style, and removing any incentive for him to change it. That is how I feel. I would be acting to reduce my own suffering, by providing him security and refuge--with the hope that that would be a better and stronger basis for him to change. But I would in my heart fear that I would be removing the incentive to change, and I would be softening the life experience that would motivate him to change.</p><p></p><p>But on the other hand, if I let him wander on the street, to be subject to, vulnerable to whatever contingency and humiliation and danger that he encounters--yes he would suffer, but he could well become more entrenched in a streetwise lifestyle and character. That is what has already happened. The suffering would not necessarily lead to learning. I have to accept that my son has limits. All of the time away from me, eventually, did teach him he had to gain some self-control to be around me, but it did not teach him to be productive or to have goals. It did teach him to manipulate, to be dishonest and to dissemble. It did teach him to love marijuana. And what else he loves, I am unsure.</p><p></p><p>With adult children who may be mentally ill, I disagree that their behaviors are necessarily choices, <em>in the same way</em> that an otherwise normal kid who say, uses drugs, might choose. I am not saying here, he does not choose. I am saying, he might not be playing with a full deck.</p><p></p><p>This is such a difficult thing to ferret out. One does not want to take away the experience that will propel them to mature to the extent that they can, to live the life that they are meant to live. But at the same time, if they are not operating from a full deck, one does not want to "teach them" by willfully or punitively forcing them to unnecessarily suffer, in a way that will damage them irrevocably or kill them.</p><p></p><p>I was thinking about those guru type people, the latest one who is in prison for killing 4 people in sweat lodges. The idea was to strengthen them so that they would become "real men."</p><p></p><p>In my own case, the stresses related to my son are really impacting my relationship. I am seeing that my relationship is likely ending, in part because of the pressures of dealing with my son. On me and on M. M holds me responsible for my son's behaviors and at the same time, holds me responsible for preventing and correcting them. He lumps us in together (my son and I) as equally responsible and equally inadequate.</p><p></p><p>Believe me, while I have been having a hard time I am not an inadequate person.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704366, member: 18958"] I think that what is crucial to me, is giving up any notion of control. That there is not one thing I can do to influence or affect his improving his life. And living with the reality of how he chooses to live his life. And detaching from it, as opposed to detaching from him. TL, how would you feel if your son continued using marijuana or other harder drugs around you? And how would you feel if he was not seeking work or did not want to seek work? To what extent do you think you would support him, that is, allow him to stay with you, or to subsidize him in any way (not necessarily money) and accept his lifestyle, with the hope that he would some day change? Because that is the reality I am dealing with. If I decided to let him back into the other property I would be admitting that I have no power to change him, and I would be accepting that I was consenting to his life style, and removing any incentive for him to change it. That is how I feel. I would be acting to reduce my own suffering, by providing him security and refuge--with the hope that that would be a better and stronger basis for him to change. But I would in my heart fear that I would be removing the incentive to change, and I would be softening the life experience that would motivate him to change. But on the other hand, if I let him wander on the street, to be subject to, vulnerable to whatever contingency and humiliation and danger that he encounters--yes he would suffer, but he could well become more entrenched in a streetwise lifestyle and character. That is what has already happened. The suffering would not necessarily lead to learning. I have to accept that my son has limits. All of the time away from me, eventually, did teach him he had to gain some self-control to be around me, but it did not teach him to be productive or to have goals. It did teach him to manipulate, to be dishonest and to dissemble. It did teach him to love marijuana. And what else he loves, I am unsure. With adult children who may be mentally ill, I disagree that their behaviors are necessarily choices, [I]in the same way[/I] that an otherwise normal kid who say, uses drugs, might choose. I am not saying here, he does not choose. I am saying, he might not be playing with a full deck. This is such a difficult thing to ferret out. One does not want to take away the experience that will propel them to mature to the extent that they can, to live the life that they are meant to live. But at the same time, if they are not operating from a full deck, one does not want to "teach them" by willfully or punitively forcing them to unnecessarily suffer, in a way that will damage them irrevocably or kill them. I was thinking about those guru type people, the latest one who is in prison for killing 4 people in sweat lodges. The idea was to strengthen them so that they would become "real men." In my own case, the stresses related to my son are really impacting my relationship. I am seeing that my relationship is likely ending, in part because of the pressures of dealing with my son. On me and on M. M holds me responsible for my son's behaviors and at the same time, holds me responsible for preventing and correcting them. He lumps us in together (my son and I) as equally responsible and equally inadequate. Believe me, while I have been having a hard time I am not an inadequate person. [/QUOTE]
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