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My son left home today
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 739068" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>February, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have one homeless right now (my eldest) and it is so hard and so painful. But ultimately we aren’t in control of their choices, and we can’t rescue them. We can only take care of ourselves so we can be here and be strong when they are at a place when our support may do some good. It does not sound like your son is at that place. If he’s name calling and acting out - after you have been supporting him and trying to get him help - he is nowhere near taking responsibility for his own actions and choices. His situation is not your fault. When he is at the point that he can see that and accept that his situation is his own responsibility, perhaps then you can have a real relationship again. </p><p></p><p>Maybe it’s time for you to allow yourself the option of stepping back and doing less? It’s hard not to want to help - I want to throw my son another lifeline too. But with my son and my elder daughter I’ve had to learn to step way, way back. I don’t offer help they don’t explicitly ask for. My offering to research social services, set an appointment with a counselor, find a clinic where they can maybe get medications for their mental illnesses, etc. does no good. If they don’t want it enough to look for it on their own, my waving it in front of their noses doesn’t help. And I have had to learn to be very careful about providing help they do ask for. Money is a short term fix and may do more harm than good. I help with food sometimes. If they are putting in their own effort towards something positive I may offer to help them halfway. But when I just hand them something, it is like throwing it into a black hole. </p><p></p><p> It is so, so hard. Part of me still feels so guilty for not offering him a room here and trying to get him back on his feet. But I know it won’t work, as people here have reminded me. And I would be reentering the whirlwind I’ve tried so hard to escape. </p><p></p><p>Stop feeling guilty. Stop feeling like it’s your job to locate the resources he needs to get better. Give yourself permission to enjoy the peace and quiet and serenity in your house while he’s gone. I won’t tell you not to worry - it’s what we do. But we can learn to worry without taking on the responsibility of fixing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 739068, member: 23349"] February, I am so sorry you are going through this. I have one homeless right now (my eldest) and it is so hard and so painful. But ultimately we aren’t in control of their choices, and we can’t rescue them. We can only take care of ourselves so we can be here and be strong when they are at a place when our support may do some good. It does not sound like your son is at that place. If he’s name calling and acting out - after you have been supporting him and trying to get him help - he is nowhere near taking responsibility for his own actions and choices. His situation is not your fault. When he is at the point that he can see that and accept that his situation is his own responsibility, perhaps then you can have a real relationship again. Maybe it’s time for you to allow yourself the option of stepping back and doing less? It’s hard not to want to help - I want to throw my son another lifeline too. But with my son and my elder daughter I’ve had to learn to step way, way back. I don’t offer help they don’t explicitly ask for. My offering to research social services, set an appointment with a counselor, find a clinic where they can maybe get medications for their mental illnesses, etc. does no good. If they don’t want it enough to look for it on their own, my waving it in front of their noses doesn’t help. And I have had to learn to be very careful about providing help they do ask for. Money is a short term fix and may do more harm than good. I help with food sometimes. If they are putting in their own effort towards something positive I may offer to help them halfway. But when I just hand them something, it is like throwing it into a black hole. It is so, so hard. Part of me still feels so guilty for not offering him a room here and trying to get him back on his feet. But I know it won’t work, as people here have reminded me. And I would be reentering the whirlwind I’ve tried so hard to escape. Stop feeling guilty. Stop feeling like it’s your job to locate the resources he needs to get better. Give yourself permission to enjoy the peace and quiet and serenity in your house while he’s gone. I won’t tell you not to worry - it’s what we do. But we can learn to worry without taking on the responsibility of fixing. [/QUOTE]
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