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My son left. I asked him to.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 688278" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you everybody for your responses.</p><p></p><p>I am still struggling to unify two perspectives which are compatible in themselves. COM talks about how the best thing she did was to take herself out of the equation. Let her son come to grips with herself. With this perspective goes the quote by somebody, I forget, that you cannot live your child's life for them.</p><p></p><p>Then there is how I interpret RE's place to stand which is to insist when her child is near her that she observe the rules and essential values of RE, not the other way around. RE says it better but it boils down for me to: When in Rome...</p><p></p><p>Now, if I look at the ground rules I came up with, it sounds OK, except for the parts, do one constructive thing, and as Lil suggested, think of a 5 year plan. </p><p></p><p>Do I have a right to insist that a 27 year old man, to live in my property with my support, do one constructive thing with his time? </p><p></p><p>I think not. But I do have the right I think to remind him that his SSI is not guaranteed (he is in the midst of a review) and at any point he may need to work for a living. I think as his mother I have the obligation to take a stand that he needs to have a way to make a living, and skills to do so. </p><p></p><p>So that handles, "constructive thing." A way to make a living is more concise. A plan.</p><p></p><p>What is your thinking about this shift? Am I within my rights, and more importantly, is it valid to make this a condition of my help, that he begin to work to achieve a trade, college, or business?</p><p>It is called Love, Darkwing. Like us with our children.</p><p>So here you are saying, your commitment to her is as if a commitment to yourself.</p><p></p><p>This is how I felt when my mother was ill. I could not be a person who did not help her. I was not that person and to be that person would betray the person I was.</p><p></p><p>These things change us.</p><p>Never wasted, A dad. I get your point but it was the relationship that was built, not the construction skills.</p><p>But this goes back to my introduction. What rights as parents do we have to make conditions for our adult children about how they live their lives? I am questioning myself here. </p><p></p><p>I know I have a right to say, as a condition to live here, xxx, xxx and xxx. But by asking him this, am I infantilizing him, encouraging him to be a baby, my baby, in the guise of something else?</p><p></p><p>At this point I am worrying if any of this is legitimate. Where I am coming from.</p><p>Yes. TL. You and I seem to be in a similar place. Could you justify as a condition of involvement and support, request that your son do something to achieve work skills or college? Do you think it is defensible? Or not?</p><p>I get this Lil. I was always a person who thought in terms of goals and organized my life in that way. M is not. He does not ever plan because he believes plans are always upset by reality. </p><p></p><p>I will leave out the short-term and long-term goal part (if he ever does call.)</p><p>Hi youngfool. In this statement you encapsulate everything that makes me crazy.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 688278, member: 18958"] Thank you everybody for your responses. I am still struggling to unify two perspectives which are compatible in themselves. COM talks about how the best thing she did was to take herself out of the equation. Let her son come to grips with herself. With this perspective goes the quote by somebody, I forget, that you cannot live your child's life for them. Then there is how I interpret RE's place to stand which is to insist when her child is near her that she observe the rules and essential values of RE, not the other way around. RE says it better but it boils down for me to: When in Rome... Now, if I look at the ground rules I came up with, it sounds OK, except for the parts, do one constructive thing, and as Lil suggested, think of a 5 year plan. Do I have a right to insist that a 27 year old man, to live in my property with my support, do one constructive thing with his time? I think not. But I do have the right I think to remind him that his SSI is not guaranteed (he is in the midst of a review) and at any point he may need to work for a living. I think as his mother I have the obligation to take a stand that he needs to have a way to make a living, and skills to do so. So that handles, "constructive thing." A way to make a living is more concise. A plan. What is your thinking about this shift? Am I within my rights, and more importantly, is it valid to make this a condition of my help, that he begin to work to achieve a trade, college, or business? It is called Love, Darkwing. Like us with our children. So here you are saying, your commitment to her is as if a commitment to yourself. This is how I felt when my mother was ill. I could not be a person who did not help her. I was not that person and to be that person would betray the person I was. These things change us. Never wasted, A dad. I get your point but it was the relationship that was built, not the construction skills. But this goes back to my introduction. What rights as parents do we have to make conditions for our adult children about how they live their lives? I am questioning myself here. I know I have a right to say, as a condition to live here, xxx, xxx and xxx. But by asking him this, am I infantilizing him, encouraging him to be a baby, my baby, in the guise of something else? At this point I am worrying if any of this is legitimate. Where I am coming from. Yes. TL. You and I seem to be in a similar place. Could you justify as a condition of involvement and support, request that your son do something to achieve work skills or college? Do you think it is defensible? Or not? I get this Lil. I was always a person who thought in terms of goals and organized my life in that way. M is not. He does not ever plan because he believes plans are always upset by reality. I will leave out the short-term and long-term goal part (if he ever does call.) Hi youngfool. In this statement you encapsulate everything that makes me crazy. Thank you all. [/QUOTE]
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