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My son left. I asked him to.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 689025" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I would say I am sorry, but that would be inappropriate. More apt, you are amazingly victorious.</p><p>No it is not.</p><p>Of course you did.</p><p>Mine too.</p><p></p><p>They always want us to hold the bag, don't they? Be the safety net.</p><p></p><p>Last night my son was lamenting lost friendships. Actually, two long-time supports said no more. Adios Amigo. What took so long?</p><p></p><p>I told M, who was disgusted and perplexed. <em>What about you, what about regret for what he causes you to suffer, what about awareness of your mortality, that he will lose you?</em></p><p>My son did a version of this, too.</p><p></p><p>Not long ago I set a boundary with him. My son retorted in an authoritarian and punitive voice without blinking an eye, <em>"I am not your father who abused you, Copa." </em></p><p></p><p>At some point in his life, I told him a story about my life never in my wildest dreams believing he would use it to attack me.</p><p></p><p>I was stunned. Where did this cruelty come from? What had I ever done to deserve this, except love him with all of my heart?</p><p>I think it is not about retaliation for what we ask of them.</p><p></p><p>I think it is:</p><p></p><p>*self-control through trying to control us</p><p>*dominance, power over</p><p>*trying to get their problem in us</p><p>*trying to distance themselves from their feelings</p><p>*trying to distance themselves from their feelings for us.</p><p>*fill in the blank ____.</p><p></p><p>I think it is like Brene Brown says. They are doing the best they can, with what they have got. The main thing they have got is us. Which is no solution at all, because they are trying to grow up. The more they have to acknowledge their limitations, the more angry them become at us/themselves. That is why it is best to detach. It makes it easier to learn, because they cannot put it on us. And it saves us some heartache.</p><p></p><p>The more I think this through (thank you everybody) the more I realize it has not one bit to do with me. The key here is to either move away or to stay neutral with strong boundaries.</p><p></p><p>I do love him with all of my heart, but I do not need him like he needs me. It is because of a sense of love and responsibility that I stay in the game, and because I am seeing some better choices. I also see that we are tightening the rules...and understand that he prefers to see this as about us, rather than see it about himself. For now.</p><p></p><p>He is free to understand his life how he chooses, but he is not free to hurt us or to make us responsible for his garbage (emotional or otherwise.) Every. single. thing. he does or says, he will have to clean up, and take responsibility for. Just like the missing keys. Just like the lies. Just like the filth.</p><p></p><p>Now he is responsible for his drama queen letter and the way he departed. His meanness. He will have to find a way to clean that up too.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, I will look up the research on how to teach empathy.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, ladies.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 689025, member: 18958"] I would say I am sorry, but that would be inappropriate. More apt, you are amazingly victorious. No it is not. Of course you did. Mine too. They always want us to hold the bag, don't they? Be the safety net. Last night my son was lamenting lost friendships. Actually, two long-time supports said no more. Adios Amigo. What took so long? I told M, who was disgusted and perplexed. [I]What about you, what about regret for what he causes you to suffer, what about awareness of your mortality, that he will lose you?[/I] My son did a version of this, too. Not long ago I set a boundary with him. My son retorted in an authoritarian and punitive voice without blinking an eye, [I]"I am not your father who abused you, Copa." [/I] At some point in his life, I told him a story about my life never in my wildest dreams believing he would use it to attack me. I was stunned. Where did this cruelty come from? What had I ever done to deserve this, except love him with all of my heart? I think it is not about retaliation for what we ask of them. I think it is: *self-control through trying to control us *dominance, power over *trying to get their problem in us *trying to distance themselves from their feelings *trying to distance themselves from their feelings for us. *fill in the blank ____. I think it is like Brene Brown says. They are doing the best they can, with what they have got. The main thing they have got is us. Which is no solution at all, because they are trying to grow up. The more they have to acknowledge their limitations, the more angry them become at us/themselves. That is why it is best to detach. It makes it easier to learn, because they cannot put it on us. And it saves us some heartache. The more I think this through (thank you everybody) the more I realize it has not one bit to do with me. The key here is to either move away or to stay neutral with strong boundaries. I do love him with all of my heart, but I do not need him like he needs me. It is because of a sense of love and responsibility that I stay in the game, and because I am seeing some better choices. I also see that we are tightening the rules...and understand that he prefers to see this as about us, rather than see it about himself. For now. He is free to understand his life how he chooses, but he is not free to hurt us or to make us responsible for his garbage (emotional or otherwise.) Every. single. thing. he does or says, he will have to clean up, and take responsibility for. Just like the missing keys. Just like the lies. Just like the filth. Now he is responsible for his drama queen letter and the way he departed. His meanness. He will have to find a way to clean that up too. Meanwhile, I will look up the research on how to teach empathy. Thank you, ladies. [/QUOTE]
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