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my son on his own
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 74002" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>And I think you need to give yourself a break for a minute.</p><p></p><p>When we find ourselves parenting kids who just will not behave in a normal fashion, we have to reach deeper than we ever knew to find the strength to do what has to be done to help the child ~ whether the child is 24, like your son, or 32, like mine.</p><p></p><p>Stop condemning yourself for not knowing how to parent someone who is using drugs. NO ONE COULD DO THIS RIGHT. Before your son can reclaim his life, he has to want to reclaim it. YOU CANNOT GIVE THAT TO HIM. </p><p></p><p>You really cannot help your son except by condemning him for what he is doing. Do not excuse him, or love him so much that you refuse to see what he is doing to himself. He is his own worst enemy right now. I know how hard it is to tell them they cannot simply move home. </p><p></p><p>Try this instead: Tell him the truth. </p><p></p><p>Think about it first, and then blast him out of the water.</p><p></p><p>How DO you feel about a child who is so unappreciative of the sacrifice of your life that he is behaving this way? (And you DID sacrifice your life ~ we all did, or we would not be here now, wondering what went wrong.) I am talking about all the gifts, all the thought and love and cherishing and hope you put into this child. I am talking about the way he smelled when he was a baby and you put him to bed, and the way he shined for you when you saw him walking. I am talking genetic gifts like appearance and intelligence, and gifts of time and love like breastfeeding and soccer practices and PTA and all the other things you may have done in your life when you might have done something else.</p><p></p><p>AND HE HAS THE GALL TO BECOME AN ADDICT.</p><p></p><p>AND HE HAS THE GALL TO DESTROY YOUR PEACEFUL HOME BECAUSE HE WOULD LIKE TO GET DRUNK AND USE POT AND RESPECTS YOU SO LITTLE THAT HE ADMITS IT?!?</p><p></p><p>There is nothing more that I need to say, SWC.</p><p></p><p>You know how you feel about what your son is doing with himself, already.</p><p></p><p>Until you tell him so, he will assume (because he wants to) that at some level you approve of what he is doing.</p><p></p><p>TELL HIM THE TRUTH.</p><p></p><p>He will not thank you for this.</p><p></p><p>But it will change him.</p><p></p><p>For so many of us here on PE, the truth is that we will never help our children use drugs. We will never support them in that drug using identity. We will never again pretend that we do not see what we see and know what we know.</p><p></p><p>You are one decision from freedom and joy, SWC.</p><p> </p><p>It is going to take time before your son believes you mean it. It is not easy to do this. There is no shortcut. It will hurt you to do this. Your child will hate you for it. There will be many times you will hate yourself. </p><p></p><p>You did not ask for this. None of us did. None of us ever expected that something like this could happen to our kids.</p><p></p><p>But it did.</p><p></p><p>Your son is using (by admission) pot and alcohol. I would bet that he is using lots of other things, as well. </p><p></p><p>It helps me to envision my son as trapped inside the addicted person he seems to be on the outside.</p><p></p><p>And you know? Every so often, I DO see my son in there.</p><p></p><p>And THAT is who I have relationship with.</p><p></p><p>And I want nothing to do with the addict currently in charge.</p><p></p><p>And I certainly have no intention of helping him hold my son hostage.</p><p></p><p>So, that's how I have to look at things.</p><p></p><p>You will get stronger.</p><p></p><p>However you come to your place of peace, you WILL get there.</p><p></p><p>We ~ none of us here in PE ~ have had the luxury of doing it any other way.</p><p></p><p>And we are here to help you get there sooner than we did.</p><p></p><p>And it isn't going to be easy for you, and it wasn't easy for any of us, either.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening to you, to your family, to your son.</p><p></p><p>But you have to face up to it.</p><p></p><p>We can help.</p><p></p><p>Barbara </p><p></p><p> :flower:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 74002, member: 1721"] And I think you need to give yourself a break for a minute. When we find ourselves parenting kids who just will not behave in a normal fashion, we have to reach deeper than we ever knew to find the strength to do what has to be done to help the child ~ whether the child is 24, like your son, or 32, like mine. Stop condemning yourself for not knowing how to parent someone who is using drugs. NO ONE COULD DO THIS RIGHT. Before your son can reclaim his life, he has to want to reclaim it. YOU CANNOT GIVE THAT TO HIM. You really cannot help your son except by condemning him for what he is doing. Do not excuse him, or love him so much that you refuse to see what he is doing to himself. He is his own worst enemy right now. I know how hard it is to tell them they cannot simply move home. Try this instead: Tell him the truth. Think about it first, and then blast him out of the water. How DO you feel about a child who is so unappreciative of the sacrifice of your life that he is behaving this way? (And you DID sacrifice your life ~ we all did, or we would not be here now, wondering what went wrong.) I am talking about all the gifts, all the thought and love and cherishing and hope you put into this child. I am talking about the way he smelled when he was a baby and you put him to bed, and the way he shined for you when you saw him walking. I am talking genetic gifts like appearance and intelligence, and gifts of time and love like breastfeeding and soccer practices and PTA and all the other things you may have done in your life when you might have done something else. AND HE HAS THE GALL TO BECOME AN ADDICT. AND HE HAS THE GALL TO DESTROY YOUR PEACEFUL HOME BECAUSE HE WOULD LIKE TO GET DRUNK AND USE POT AND RESPECTS YOU SO LITTLE THAT HE ADMITS IT?!? There is nothing more that I need to say, SWC. You know how you feel about what your son is doing with himself, already. Until you tell him so, he will assume (because he wants to) that at some level you approve of what he is doing. TELL HIM THE TRUTH. He will not thank you for this. But it will change him. For so many of us here on PE, the truth is that we will never help our children use drugs. We will never support them in that drug using identity. We will never again pretend that we do not see what we see and know what we know. You are one decision from freedom and joy, SWC. It is going to take time before your son believes you mean it. It is not easy to do this. There is no shortcut. It will hurt you to do this. Your child will hate you for it. There will be many times you will hate yourself. You did not ask for this. None of us did. None of us ever expected that something like this could happen to our kids. But it did. Your son is using (by admission) pot and alcohol. I would bet that he is using lots of other things, as well. It helps me to envision my son as trapped inside the addicted person he seems to be on the outside. And you know? Every so often, I DO see my son in there. And THAT is who I have relationship with. And I want nothing to do with the addict currently in charge. And I certainly have no intention of helping him hold my son hostage. So, that's how I have to look at things. You will get stronger. However you come to your place of peace, you WILL get there. We ~ none of us here in PE ~ have had the luxury of doing it any other way. And we are here to help you get there sooner than we did. And it isn't going to be easy for you, and it wasn't easy for any of us, either. I am so sorry this is happening to you, to your family, to your son. But you have to face up to it. We can help. Barbara [img]:flower:[/img] [/QUOTE]
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