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Narcissistic Parents/Investment in success, performance of kids
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 666673" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You know, ever since I was very young I had a thing about "I-Am-The-Best Clubs" that are often more for the moms than the kids. Oh, the kids enjoy it too, but the parents really pump up talking about their child who is a cheerleader or my child who is a model...that sort of thing. I can not watch young kids in beauty contests. I feel they are sending the wrong message to the child...beauty and charm is all you need. What if the cute little toddler grows into a not-so-cute teen, who has to face the same things other teens face--acne, weight gain, awkwardness, etc.</p><p></p><p>I babysat for a kid whose sister was in pageants in her young life and she grew into a very awkward teen. I brought up the acne and weight gain because she had both. That is hard enough for a teen to handle, even with dad and mom saying "You are fine," but what if your mom had made subtle hints all your life that you are finer if you are beautiful? Not only is that shallow as a value, but it's got to impact th e teen as she goes throw the usual growing pains. This is the stuff that eating disorders are made from.</p><p></p><p>"You're fat." (My mom)</p><p></p><p>"Gaining a little weight, huh, SWOT?" (Me, when I got to 113 lbs, which I thought was obese and felt very shamed about)</p><p></p><p>"You better watch it. Your hips are getting wider." (To me when I weighed 110 lbs.)</p><p></p><p>It's a miracle I didn't have an eating disorder too.</p><p></p><p>"Boys like girls with long hair." (Silent message to me: It is the ultimate importance t hat boys like me).</p><p></p><p>"Girls don't have to be smart, they just have to be beautiful." (Well, not only was this confirming to me that I was a dummy, but that it didn't matter much because, as a girl, *I* didn't matter much as long as I could get me a man.)</p><p></p><p>I don't know if my mother was a narc. She could have traits. I think she is more borderline, a worshipper of others and a hater of her scapegoats. She had a few GC. But she certainly sent a strong message that we better not be fat and, in my case, the long hair thing stuck.</p><p></p><p>My mother didn't care about what the other mothers thought. She didn't know them. She never came to school. She sat at home talking to my grandmother all day. The only person she wanted to please was HER mother. Often, she couldn't.</p><p></p><p>My grandmother, in my opinion inappropriately sharing too much with me (our family had no boundaries): "She was such a sweet girl. Now she's so ANGRY (high pitched voice) and so BITTER! She tells me I favored Uncle Vain, but I told her her brains were in her feet. I meant she was a DANCER!" I was an adult and heard this my grandmother's entire life, but I wonder why she confided in my against her mother. But I'm not stupid either. If s he said things like this to me about her daughter, I am quite sure, when upset with me, she said similar demeaning things about me to my mother."</p><p></p><p>I love my grandma. She stuck up for me. I was her GC, along with Uncle Vain. But I can see her flaws. And how my mother may have gotten the way she was. My mother, in spite of fighting with her, told me often that she would never hurt her mother (although she did). And she really did try to do everything her mother asked her to do, even after she died. Sick, sick family dynamics through the generations.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 666673, member: 1550"] You know, ever since I was very young I had a thing about "I-Am-The-Best Clubs" that are often more for the moms than the kids. Oh, the kids enjoy it too, but the parents really pump up talking about their child who is a cheerleader or my child who is a model...that sort of thing. I can not watch young kids in beauty contests. I feel they are sending the wrong message to the child...beauty and charm is all you need. What if the cute little toddler grows into a not-so-cute teen, who has to face the same things other teens face--acne, weight gain, awkwardness, etc. I babysat for a kid whose sister was in pageants in her young life and she grew into a very awkward teen. I brought up the acne and weight gain because she had both. That is hard enough for a teen to handle, even with dad and mom saying "You are fine," but what if your mom had made subtle hints all your life that you are finer if you are beautiful? Not only is that shallow as a value, but it's got to impact th e teen as she goes throw the usual growing pains. This is the stuff that eating disorders are made from. "You're fat." (My mom) "Gaining a little weight, huh, SWOT?" (Me, when I got to 113 lbs, which I thought was obese and felt very shamed about) "You better watch it. Your hips are getting wider." (To me when I weighed 110 lbs.) It's a miracle I didn't have an eating disorder too. "Boys like girls with long hair." (Silent message to me: It is the ultimate importance t hat boys like me). "Girls don't have to be smart, they just have to be beautiful." (Well, not only was this confirming to me that I was a dummy, but that it didn't matter much because, as a girl, *I* didn't matter much as long as I could get me a man.) I don't know if my mother was a narc. She could have traits. I think she is more borderline, a worshipper of others and a hater of her scapegoats. She had a few GC. But she certainly sent a strong message that we better not be fat and, in my case, the long hair thing stuck. My mother didn't care about what the other mothers thought. She didn't know them. She never came to school. She sat at home talking to my grandmother all day. The only person she wanted to please was HER mother. Often, she couldn't. My grandmother, in my opinion inappropriately sharing too much with me (our family had no boundaries): "She was such a sweet girl. Now she's so ANGRY (high pitched voice) and so BITTER! She tells me I favored Uncle Vain, but I told her her brains were in her feet. I meant she was a DANCER!" I was an adult and heard this my grandmother's entire life, but I wonder why she confided in my against her mother. But I'm not stupid either. If s he said things like this to me about her daughter, I am quite sure, when upset with me, she said similar demeaning things about me to my mother." I love my grandma. She stuck up for me. I was her GC, along with Uncle Vain. But I can see her flaws. And how my mother may have gotten the way she was. My mother, in spite of fighting with her, told me often that she would never hurt her mother (although she did). And she really did try to do everything her mother asked her to do, even after she died. Sick, sick family dynamics through the generations. [/QUOTE]
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