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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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<blockquote data-quote="Sabine" data-source="post: 619958" data-attributes="member: 17639"><p>I'm *speechless*, the above posts of love and support are amazing.</p><p></p><p>I just wanted to add a little tiny thought.</p><p></p><p>I know why you opened that letter. In your deepest heart of hearts you were hoping to catch a glimmer of goodness coming from your father. Maybe difficult child did something, and now Daddy is writing to say that you were a good mother after all.</p><p></p><p>Instead you got a kick in the teeth.</p><p></p><p>I would love to see you write your father out of your life completely. Every time he tries to contact you, don't let him. One day he MAY decide he wants to apologize.. 10, 15 years from now, even. And when that day comes, YOU will have the power over him to deny him access to you. The door can be shut forever, if you're willing to do that.</p><p></p><p>Of course, this is what he's doing to you, shutting you out of the will etc.. in an attempt to exert his waning control.</p><p></p><p>In every relationship, there is a leader and a follower. Healthy friendships and partnerships allow each party to be leader part of the time. (Sam: What do you want for lunch? Suzy: Pizza!.... Suzy: What movie do you want to watch? Sam: The Terminator)</p><p></p><p>Even healthy parent/child (or boss/employee) relationships allow the sharing of leadership roles, with the knowledge that the parent or boss has final say. (Mom: Do you want chicken or fish? Child: Ice cream! Mom: Chicken or fish? Child: *sigh* chicken).</p><p></p><p>The situation at hand is a dysfunctional one. There is no give and take, it's all just take, take, take. This relationship CAN NOT be fixed. So, there are only two choices.</p><p></p><p>Dad is the leader...</p><p></p><p>or..</p><p></p><p>Daughter is the leader</p><p></p><p>If Dad is the leader, daughter has to receive toxic emails and letters.</p><p></p><p>If Daughter is the leader, she can prevent communication TOTALLY. Email has been blocked. Letters can be "returned to sender", unopened. If Dad were to show up on the doorstep, the door can be locked, police called, and restraining order filed.</p><p></p><p>We all talk about power and control, as though they are necessarily negative. They definitely can be, but they don't have to be. Every person has an inborn NEED to have power and control over his/her own life. This is why teenagers that are given none frequently become anorexic (it's not a body image issue, it's a control issue.. at least at first).</p><p></p><p>I have no idea what your dad's issue is, why he feels the need to control others. Whatever the reason, it's not really your problem, if you don't want it to be.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sabine, post: 619958, member: 17639"] I'm *speechless*, the above posts of love and support are amazing. I just wanted to add a little tiny thought. I know why you opened that letter. In your deepest heart of hearts you were hoping to catch a glimmer of goodness coming from your father. Maybe difficult child did something, and now Daddy is writing to say that you were a good mother after all. Instead you got a kick in the teeth. I would love to see you write your father out of your life completely. Every time he tries to contact you, don't let him. One day he MAY decide he wants to apologize.. 10, 15 years from now, even. And when that day comes, YOU will have the power over him to deny him access to you. The door can be shut forever, if you're willing to do that. Of course, this is what he's doing to you, shutting you out of the will etc.. in an attempt to exert his waning control. In every relationship, there is a leader and a follower. Healthy friendships and partnerships allow each party to be leader part of the time. (Sam: What do you want for lunch? Suzy: Pizza!.... Suzy: What movie do you want to watch? Sam: The Terminator) Even healthy parent/child (or boss/employee) relationships allow the sharing of leadership roles, with the knowledge that the parent or boss has final say. (Mom: Do you want chicken or fish? Child: Ice cream! Mom: Chicken or fish? Child: *sigh* chicken). The situation at hand is a dysfunctional one. There is no give and take, it's all just take, take, take. This relationship CAN NOT be fixed. So, there are only two choices. Dad is the leader... or.. Daughter is the leader If Dad is the leader, daughter has to receive toxic emails and letters. If Daughter is the leader, she can prevent communication TOTALLY. Email has been blocked. Letters can be "returned to sender", unopened. If Dad were to show up on the doorstep, the door can be locked, police called, and restraining order filed. We all talk about power and control, as though they are necessarily negative. They definitely can be, but they don't have to be. Every person has an inborn NEED to have power and control over his/her own life. This is why teenagers that are given none frequently become anorexic (it's not a body image issue, it's a control issue.. at least at first). I have no idea what your dad's issue is, why he feels the need to control others. Whatever the reason, it's not really your problem, if you don't want it to be. [/QUOTE]
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Nasty letter from father...where my difficult child is living now
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