Yes you can certainly tell him all this in a letter!! Don't feel bad about not wanting to face him. Keep a copy of that letter handy, and be able to repeat phrases from it when he calls to argue about your decision.
Peace
I agree.
One of us posted that the person she needed to look at, when she felt guilty about what she needed to say to her difficult child, was herself.
I agree so wholeheartedly with that too, Stands.
It helped me to keep things very simple, and to concentrate on myself, not my son's pain or confusion. In your heart, you know coming home is wrong for your son. I think it is wrong, too. He would need to be much further along in his recovery before he could face those old friends and old habits successfully. That your son cannot see that is, as one of us said, to be expected.
It is enough Stands, that YOU see it.
Being the best mother in this situation involves turning your son away ~ for now, it does.
It helped me to speak the words I did not want to say once I began using the words "drugs" and "addiction" to my son. I also began telling my son that I loved him too much to help him destroy himself. As he continued to spiral down, I learned to say that he was raised better than to do what he was doing.
No more evading the issue, between my son and myself.
Your son needs to hear you say that this is not a game, Stands. You feel you have no firm place to stand but you do. YOU ARE RIGHT NOT TO HAVE YOUR SON HOME RIGHT NOW. Until he is further along in his recovery, the risk TO HIM is too great.
This isn't about the horror having your son home will create in your family ~ though it will. This is about your son's addiction to drugs. If you can truly understand how horrible this addiction is, then you will be able to speak to your son as he needs his mother to speak to him ~ whether that be in person or in a letter.
He is trapped, Stands.
Your words may not be able to help your son now ~ but they might be the words that echo through his brain at some future time and make all the difference your son needs to begin walking a different path.
I think it is right to love our addicted sons, Stands ~ but I think it is crucial that we draw a line, for them, and for ourselves, so that we know how to interact with them.
I tell my son (not so much, lately ~ there has been a change in my son, recently) that there is nothing funny about what has happened to him. There is nothing good or decent or right about what has happened to him. I tell him he can make it back, but that I cannot help him get there anymore than I could stop him from going there.
My son knows now what I expect of him.
He knows I will say those same phrases again and again.
"Addiction is a horrible thing."
"I will not help you destroy yourself." (In your son's case, allowing him to come home would be helping him to destroy himself.)
"You were raised better than to do what you are doing."
"Coming home is not an option. It has not helped you in the past, and I will not watch you walk down that path again."
The question under discussion has to be, "How can we find somewhere for you to stay until the center has room for you?"
That is the only thing you can safely discuss with your son right now I think.
You need to take the lead on this one, Stands. Your child is trapped, and cannot help himself, cannot help what he is doing, really. Look to the future for him, if he cannot do it on his own.
The addiction takes precedence.
Your son is still so young. If he can break the addiction now, he has all the time in the world to create a loving and productive life.
That is your position of strength, Stands.
And it will make you strong because it is true.
You can do this, Stands.
And we all are right here, whenever you need us.
Barbara
You have rescued and enabled your difficult child for years, and he doesn't know about detachment. YOU DO!!
