Here's my take on it.
First, you don't have to let him have any access at all. Any access you DO give him is a bonus, from his point of view. Same with his parents. And since they disrespect you and undermine you, I would be keeping contact to a supervised minimum. I would allow letters (but vet them, both ways).
Yes, move back to Europe. Live anywhere, but where he can easily come visit. Any visits - allow them, but YOU supervise. Or her godmother. I wouldn't let her stay over with any of them, they had their chance and blew it.
Next - she tried pot and didn't like it. Good that she didn't like it, very, very bad that she had the opportunity to try it and that neither dad nor grandparents can see this is a huge red flag. The evidence is definitely in, that exposure to marijuana before 18 (or was it 21?) is much worse for you.
http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/325/7374/1195
I saw a recent TV program (I think it was referring to an extension to the above research) which showed brain scans to demonstrate that younger first-time use caused more damage than first-time use after 18.
The thing is - you were told she would be living in a safe, healthy "nice" area and would be supervised. This didn't happen. So why take any more risks? And if you get told again, "But she'll be safe this time," or "It was all a mistake/misunderstanding/set-up," then make it clear - it doesn't matter if it was coincidence or not. Such coincidences haven't happened under your supervision, and YOU get the final say.
On the matter of her trying someone else's antidepressants and them making her feel better - I would take that on board. Make a point of listening to her, as long as she is REALLY honest with you and with herself. Get her to a counsellor. The circumstances now plus what she has been though with her father and his parents (and all the problems) now require her to be de-briefing with a professional. Sure she can talk to her godmother. She could also talk to you (should talk to you) but she really should also have a long-term therapist working through this and her self-talk with her. She needs to get back to a more socially appropriate mind-set and away from her father's dysfunctional way of viewing life. It's all very well for him, he has parents still enabling him. So this attitude still works for him in his life. It will not work for your daughter and the sooner she realises this, the better. Why won't it work for her? Your daughter does not have a mother who will enable HER.
Some of the behaviour problems are probably typical teen. Kids hit teir teens and become a handful, parents need to shift their management strategies to something more effective. But some of it (an unknown quantity) could be hereditary issues related to her father's problems. For example, if there is a mood disorder aspect, she might benefit from her own properly-prescribed course of antidepressants. She needs to learn that you DON'T take stuff prescribed for someone else, and even when it's prescribed for you, you have Occupational Therapist (OT) be honest with the doctor and take your medications as prescribed. But she tried antidepressants and said she felt better. So that needs to be talked about with a health professional, your daughter may have unwittingly stumbled onto something that could help her and help you.
A lot of drug users take it up because they are trying to self-medicate for something undiagnosed and undefined in them. I've known people with chronic severe pain who use alcohol to dull the pain. In the same way, people who are tense and anxious may turn to marijuana to cope. In some parts of the world it is actually prescribed medically. But to take ANY medications when NOT prescribed, is very risky. It's not only self-medicating, it's self-diagnosing.
Example - I take very strong painkillers. I've been on them for years and sometimes when I encounter a doctor who doesn't know me, they get a bit concerned when I tell them what I take. However, it is all prescribed under the careful supervision of a pain management specialist, so there's really no analgesia abuse going on. BUT - if difficult child 3 hurts his leg and needs a pain killer, there is absolutely no way he should say to himself, "My leg hurts a lot, I'll just take one of Mum's pain pills."
If he did this, it would be an instant overdose.
Example 2 - husband sometimes takes two sleeping pills to get to sleep. If he takes any less, they don't work at all. The doctor prescribes these pills to him and knows how often the prescription has to be re-filled.
I also very occasionally take the same pills. But ONE of those pills will knock me out for two days. So if I take them, I break them into four pieces, and even then I will only take it if I'm really desperate AND know I don't have to do anything strenuous (or anything involving driving or operating machinery) the next day.
She needs to be seen by a doctor to consider the possibility of mood disorder requiring medications; she needs a referral to a therapist to help her deal eith all the emotional conflict stirred up by her father's damaging family contact. And I think you need to head back to Europe. Or anywhere well away from her father. She'll be a legal adult in five years time. Hopefully by then she'll also have grown up enough to be able to see her father in better perspective.
There's nothing wrong with her having a relationship with her father, as long as she can be safe through the process. That's the operative word - SAFE.
Marg
