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Need advise about vacation
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 689976" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I disagree with everybody. While I agree with IB:I do not think WSM wants to handle the built up resentments and guilt over an entire married life in order to make this vacation, nor should she.</p><p></p><p>There is responsibility to go around for all to share. That does not mean that this situation has to get more dire.</p><p></p><p>While I can see sister's keeper pointthere is nothing in WSM's post that indicates her willingness to confront her husband. It appears, WSM, that you may feel some responsibility that you did not stand up to your husband about unequal treatment towards your son. That this is a problem that may be longstanding. That is why this situation is so loaded for you.</p><p></p><p>We cannot remedy in one act, one decision a pattern of decades, nor should we try. It is an illusion that the vacation stands in for all of the other past times where son may not have been supported. The two are different things entirely. There is the vacation and there is the past. </p><p></p><p>The fact is that WSM and husband each have their personalities. What is important is that WSM accept what happened in the past, as past. There is no perfect parent. </p><p></p><p>Whether son goes or does not go on the vacation is the lesser point. I agree with Sister's Keeper to a point. It the invitation was extended without conditions, with the intention that you would pay whatever it took to buy a ticket at the last minute--for example--paying 5x as much for his plane ticket..then you paid for the others, I would wonder. What would you be paying for, WSM? The past?</p><p></p><p>I know for my son, if he had not bothered to confirm a trip--I would hold him responsible for having chosen with his feet. If it had been all that important to him I would have expected him to speak up. I would not take on all the responsibility on my shoulders. And I would feel not a problem telling him this. <em>Now that the vacation is on top of us...I will not pay 5x as much for the ticket. Where were you 6 months ago?</em></p><p></p><p>I am still back to the point that WSM is trying to compensate for all the other times in the past that may have existed when she may feels she did not speak up for her son. That cannot be remedied by this trip, nor should it be.</p><p>I can imagine the pain in this for both WSM and for her son. But the thing is, son is a grown up now. Not a child. He is responsible for his actions and how they affect others.</p><p>I agree. But son is an adult now, who is responsible for his behavior. Is not a wife responsible to protect a spouse, who feels put upon and resentful for years of pain? This is know longer a dependent child.</p><p>Yes. But is this because of guilt from the past, or because you his presence on the trip, WSM?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 689976, member: 18958"] I disagree with everybody. While I agree with IB:I do not think WSM wants to handle the built up resentments and guilt over an entire married life in order to make this vacation, nor should she. There is responsibility to go around for all to share. That does not mean that this situation has to get more dire. While I can see sister's keeper pointthere is nothing in WSM's post that indicates her willingness to confront her husband. It appears, WSM, that you may feel some responsibility that you did not stand up to your husband about unequal treatment towards your son. That this is a problem that may be longstanding. That is why this situation is so loaded for you. We cannot remedy in one act, one decision a pattern of decades, nor should we try. It is an illusion that the vacation stands in for all of the other past times where son may not have been supported. The two are different things entirely. There is the vacation and there is the past. The fact is that WSM and husband each have their personalities. What is important is that WSM accept what happened in the past, as past. There is no perfect parent. Whether son goes or does not go on the vacation is the lesser point. I agree with Sister's Keeper to a point. It the invitation was extended without conditions, with the intention that you would pay whatever it took to buy a ticket at the last minute--for example--paying 5x as much for his plane ticket..then you paid for the others, I would wonder. What would you be paying for, WSM? The past? I know for my son, if he had not bothered to confirm a trip--I would hold him responsible for having chosen with his feet. If it had been all that important to him I would have expected him to speak up. I would not take on all the responsibility on my shoulders. And I would feel not a problem telling him this. [I]Now that the vacation is on top of us...I will not pay 5x as much for the ticket. Where were you 6 months ago?[/I] I am still back to the point that WSM is trying to compensate for all the other times in the past that may have existed when she may feels she did not speak up for her son. That cannot be remedied by this trip, nor should it be. I can imagine the pain in this for both WSM and for her son. But the thing is, son is a grown up now. Not a child. He is responsible for his actions and how they affect others. I agree. But son is an adult now, who is responsible for his behavior. Is not a wife responsible to protect a spouse, who feels put upon and resentful for years of pain? This is know longer a dependent child. Yes. But is this because of guilt from the past, or because you his presence on the trip, WSM? [/QUOTE]
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