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Need advise about vacation
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<blockquote data-quote="Sister's Keeper" data-source="post: 690062" data-attributes="member: 20051"><p>In a way yes, but I also have other opinions, which don't really jibe with anyone else's.</p><p></p><p>I agree it is unfair for WSM to have to be the one to make all the sacrifices, and I have a serious problem with any grown person who institutes a week of the silent treatment and, essentially, threatens to make everyone's vacation a living hell if he doesn't get his way, especially since WSM did attempt a compromise by having her son only join them for 1/2 the vacation. I don't think anyone person in a relationship should make all the sacrifices, and I would hope that a spouse would see how much hurt this is causing and try to reach a compromise.</p><p></p><p>My actual issue on how I would respond, though, is I just couldn't rescind a no conditions invitation unless there was some real reason to do it. Especially when it involves family and a family bonding opportunity, without causing hurt feeling and more estrangement. How do you tell your child, no matter what age, "Your step father, the man that helped raise you, doesn't want you to go?"</p><p></p><p>If he were actively using, or if there were conditions on the invitation, or even if it were just myself and my husband, I could say, "It's been a rough year, we just need some us time." I could uninvite him, but because my husband was holding onto old grudges, I couldn't and wouldn't do it. Especially if I had attempted to compromise.</p><p></p><p>I know nearly everyone disagrees with me, and that people will state that he is an adult so too bad for his feelings, or that he deserves it because he caused WSM so many problems, or that the husband should always come 1st. I just see things differently. </p><p></p><p>1st we don't know the dynamic with he and WSM. Likely, he does know the pain he caused her, and he may well have apologized and been forgiven or made amends. 2nd, not all addicts are terrifying and violent. Some are just absent. My sister is absent. The kids aren't scared of her, she has never been violent, there has never been any obvious drama in front of her kids. Even when I told her to leave, she left willingly and quietly so as not to upset the kids. So there is no reason to believe that the other kids are scared of him, and from what WSM has said he has separated himself from the life. Or at least she is pretty sure he has.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, kind of back to Copa's point. I think the point is that WSM really wanted him to go. She wanted to spend this time with him and spend time as a family, maybe putting trying to put some pieces back together, or maybe just spend some relaxing time away from all the drama and influences of the "real" world. Either way, it was expected that her feelings shouldn't be considered. That she should sacrifice what she wants for what her husband wants, which really isn't fair. Her husband was so determined to get his way that he would see WSM forego the entire vacation rather than even compromise.</p><p></p><p>I just feel very sad for her because I know this has to hurt.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sister's Keeper, post: 690062, member: 20051"] In a way yes, but I also have other opinions, which don't really jibe with anyone else's. I agree it is unfair for WSM to have to be the one to make all the sacrifices, and I have a serious problem with any grown person who institutes a week of the silent treatment and, essentially, threatens to make everyone's vacation a living hell if he doesn't get his way, especially since WSM did attempt a compromise by having her son only join them for 1/2 the vacation. I don't think anyone person in a relationship should make all the sacrifices, and I would hope that a spouse would see how much hurt this is causing and try to reach a compromise. My actual issue on how I would respond, though, is I just couldn't rescind a no conditions invitation unless there was some real reason to do it. Especially when it involves family and a family bonding opportunity, without causing hurt feeling and more estrangement. How do you tell your child, no matter what age, "Your step father, the man that helped raise you, doesn't want you to go?" If he were actively using, or if there were conditions on the invitation, or even if it were just myself and my husband, I could say, "It's been a rough year, we just need some us time." I could uninvite him, but because my husband was holding onto old grudges, I couldn't and wouldn't do it. Especially if I had attempted to compromise. I know nearly everyone disagrees with me, and that people will state that he is an adult so too bad for his feelings, or that he deserves it because he caused WSM so many problems, or that the husband should always come 1st. I just see things differently. 1st we don't know the dynamic with he and WSM. Likely, he does know the pain he caused her, and he may well have apologized and been forgiven or made amends. 2nd, not all addicts are terrifying and violent. Some are just absent. My sister is absent. The kids aren't scared of her, she has never been violent, there has never been any obvious drama in front of her kids. Even when I told her to leave, she left willingly and quietly so as not to upset the kids. So there is no reason to believe that the other kids are scared of him, and from what WSM has said he has separated himself from the life. Or at least she is pretty sure he has. Anyway, kind of back to Copa's point. I think the point is that WSM really wanted him to go. She wanted to spend this time with him and spend time as a family, maybe putting trying to put some pieces back together, or maybe just spend some relaxing time away from all the drama and influences of the "real" world. Either way, it was expected that her feelings shouldn't be considered. That she should sacrifice what she wants for what her husband wants, which really isn't fair. Her husband was so determined to get his way that he would see WSM forego the entire vacation rather than even compromise. I just feel very sad for her because I know this has to hurt. [/QUOTE]
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