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Need advise about vacation
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 690074" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>One can not force another to do anything.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure the other kids are not afraid of son. They matter. Husband matters.</p><p></p><p>I would never tell my husband what he had to do. Nor would I listen to him if he told ME what to do. There are minor kids involved here and a history of this adult using heroin and harboring drug dealers. Its a risk to take him on a vacation with minor kids. To me, this is more about the sons choices making him a scary traveling companionn</p><p></p><p>As the mother who was there from the beginning, I took responsibility for my kids. My husband came into their lives later and he was my husband, but they have a father. He could never be the father and I didn't expect that of him. I was good delivering news to my kids and there has been no long term harm. Everyone gets along fine now.</p><p></p><p>We are touched here because we are playing out our own stories and our own reactions to our own situations and placing them on poor WSM. And she is not us. I don't believe any one way works best across each family. No one size fits all.</p><p></p><p>I validate her decision. Life is tough. Decisions are hard. When you live with an addict you are in survival mode. I do not see father as bad guy here. He is protecting his kids and is angry when his wife is abused by adult son. Appropriate feelings.</p><p></p><p>Living with a drug addict is different than just talking about it. It's quite the experience, ESPECIALLY when younger kids are involved. Many addicts try to get the young sibs to use.</p><p></p><p>Adult son has not been living a sober life long enough to be safe, if in fact he is even sober. It is way to soon to know.</p><p></p><p>My daughter's drug use GREATLY affected my younger kids. We were lucky that our kids turned away from drugs and Jumper decided to become a cop. But in Daughters using days, she was not allowed to be in close knit situations with the younger ones.</p><p></p><p>Once she quit, the entire family dynamic changed.</p><p></p><p>Until son is proven safe for a long time, it's too bad in my opinion if he may get his feelings hurt. The younger kids must come first and be protected from him until he proved he is truly clean and sober for a long time. And his going back to heroin using girlfriend is a bad sign.</p><p></p><p>It is hard when you have young ones to keep safe.</p><p></p><p>One kid is not the same as one adult son and three below 18 children. It needs to be handled in a different way than if this were the only child, although he is an ADULT.</p><p></p><p>Husband also matters. He came into this late and is powerless to change this son. In my world, my adult son would have to prove his sobriety before I'd expect others to feel safe around him. It's not realistic.</p><p></p><p>I never felt afraid of my daughter, but her associates scared me. And she exposed them to us. Drug addicts are not safe. They find other addicts even on vacations.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, due to circumstances, this was never destined to be a bonding vacation. Son is the elephant in the room...his addiction. It always is when addiction is in the family. And only grown son can prove he is trustworthy. It is nobody else's fault but his own that he is not always welcome in the fold. If he were not an addict who harbors dealers, I'm sure this vacation would be a whole different story. But it is what it is. Unfortunately, Son did not attempt to be a good role model for the young ones. That's his decision.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 690074, member: 1550"] One can not force another to do anything. I'm not sure the other kids are not afraid of son. They matter. Husband matters. I would never tell my husband what he had to do. Nor would I listen to him if he told ME what to do. There are minor kids involved here and a history of this adult using heroin and harboring drug dealers. Its a risk to take him on a vacation with minor kids. To me, this is more about the sons choices making him a scary traveling companionn As the mother who was there from the beginning, I took responsibility for my kids. My husband came into their lives later and he was my husband, but they have a father. He could never be the father and I didn't expect that of him. I was good delivering news to my kids and there has been no long term harm. Everyone gets along fine now. We are touched here because we are playing out our own stories and our own reactions to our own situations and placing them on poor WSM. And she is not us. I don't believe any one way works best across each family. No one size fits all. I validate her decision. Life is tough. Decisions are hard. When you live with an addict you are in survival mode. I do not see father as bad guy here. He is protecting his kids and is angry when his wife is abused by adult son. Appropriate feelings. Living with a drug addict is different than just talking about it. It's quite the experience, ESPECIALLY when younger kids are involved. Many addicts try to get the young sibs to use. Adult son has not been living a sober life long enough to be safe, if in fact he is even sober. It is way to soon to know. My daughter's drug use GREATLY affected my younger kids. We were lucky that our kids turned away from drugs and Jumper decided to become a cop. But in Daughters using days, she was not allowed to be in close knit situations with the younger ones. Once she quit, the entire family dynamic changed. Until son is proven safe for a long time, it's too bad in my opinion if he may get his feelings hurt. The younger kids must come first and be protected from him until he proved he is truly clean and sober for a long time. And his going back to heroin using girlfriend is a bad sign. It is hard when you have young ones to keep safe. One kid is not the same as one adult son and three below 18 children. It needs to be handled in a different way than if this were the only child, although he is an ADULT. Husband also matters. He came into this late and is powerless to change this son. In my world, my adult son would have to prove his sobriety before I'd expect others to feel safe around him. It's not realistic. I never felt afraid of my daughter, but her associates scared me. And she exposed them to us. Drug addicts are not safe. They find other addicts even on vacations. Anyhow, due to circumstances, this was never destined to be a bonding vacation. Son is the elephant in the room...his addiction. It always is when addiction is in the family. And only grown son can prove he is trustworthy. It is nobody else's fault but his own that he is not always welcome in the fold. If he were not an addict who harbors dealers, I'm sure this vacation would be a whole different story. But it is what it is. Unfortunately, Son did not attempt to be a good role model for the young ones. That's his decision. [/QUOTE]
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