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Need help adult daughter wont talk to me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 515721" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dotty, </p><p></p><p>The hardest thing I have had to do in my life was put my sons belongings in a trash bag, and a duffle bag and buy him a train ticket BACK to where his biodad was. His behaviors at home with us (me and DF) were so outrageous someone was going to end up (not exaggerating) hurt, in the hospital or in jail. So, before anything like that happened? We (meaning me and the mouse in my pocket) sat and cried, and cried about the relationship - lost. The one that could have been. The one that I thought through thick and thin would keep us (me and my son) melded together not enmeshed as a lot of dysfunctional parents become - but strong allies. After he saw the way his biofather behaved I was SURE, absolutely positively sure -he would come home running, if not screaming with his tail between his legs and have a brand new plan and at the least - at the.very.least? A life-time apology to me for all the hatred, ugliness, venom and threats he had spewed over the years - and trust me his mouth knew no limits. However when he came back the first time it was "OH My wonderful PAPA..my super Dad - my HERO-worship..." and I just sank. </p><p></p><p>I think a part of me WANTED him to come back defeated, and another part just wanted him moreso to come back EDUCATED with eyes wide open and look at me and say "DAMN Mom - I can't belive someone as intelligent as you put up with a #%*) like that! I'm so sorry, for ever doubting you." Because in fact - all the doubts he had turned inwards on him and became his fuel for anger, hate, and behaviors that were out of control. I took it as something I did wrong for so long - because? BECAUSE they SAY "YOU MESSED UP MY LIFE - YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT." and a part of us allows ourselves to actually believe it because we have that incling of doubt in the recesses of our minds that always nags and nags, and nags saying like a whisper in our ear "She wouldn't be like this IF you had........(fill in your blank) as a parent, but when you go to therapy and get in touch with the REALITY of WHOM is really responsible for your actions - beit yours or hers? You can start to sort through years of mis-labled and innapropriate blame. And THEN? Then you are able to start really healing, and helping and learning - HOW to turn this "supposed disaster" of a relationship into the one you would like it to be. If ever there was a chance? This is how you get it. </p><p></p><p>You DO NOT get a relationship with these kids by constantly cow-towing to their anger. By BLAMING yourself, doubting yourself, allowing them to see you cry, and hurt. Offering to pay for this and that when they are ugly and nasty. There is a thing as turn the other cheek, be the example - but in doing so we also have to remember to raise up a child in the way he will go or she for that matter -and .......realize that sometimes with children that don't think "NORMALLY" (whether it IS a mental disorder or just a parenting error, or a life glitch that caused it??) DIFFERENT parenting for each child is ABSOLUTE. You can't raise her like you did the others. You can't treat her like you did the others, you can't parent her like you did the others, you can't discipline her like you did the others. It would be nice to say "Well my Mom and Dad raised US all the same, and we turned out......mostly.....okay." but even when I think about those 1960's parenting me? There were things that my Mom and Dad did differently with myself and my sister and she turned out to be quite a little snot all the way around, and isn't very nice period. We had the same everything. Even Christmas presents. Lord - I have no idea what her problem is - but my suggestion to her was "GET counseling." </p><p></p><p>The therapist actually is good for so many reasons. If you get a good one? YOu have someone who is educated about conflict resolution, problem solving, and outcomes. This is a guide ----for you to have a non-partial person listen to YOUR side of the story,and offer sugestions for YOU to try. When you have tried ALL the suggestions in earnest? And take an honest look at the relationship - it's like you can say to yourself - Not only did I do everything I could do as a Mother to raise her, but I did everything I could do to IMPROVE MYSELF when I saw our relationship was going no where - so that we may be able to communicate - and still she was resistant - It removes the doubt, of most if not all of your what if's for the future, and again - puts the ball back in her court. </p><p></p><p>I didn't want my son to go back to FL years ago......I didn't want him to be anywhere near my x - but his choices HIS CHOICES put him there. He couldn't stay here. So he learned life and the whys of MOM DID THIS BECAUSE - the really hard way. The proof I had kept to show him meant nothing until he saw the person in action. Now? After Nearly 2.5 years? We have a relationship. A good one. It's baby steps but even he'll tell you that if I had never said "GET OUT, GO, you will not talk to ME like this, you will not XXX ME and get away with it....go talk to the world like that and see if they forgive you." he wouldn't appreciate me at all. </p><p></p><p>To me - it was horribly worth it all. Today he doesn't have a shred of respect for biodad. But he treats me very well. He ASKS my advice on things, he asks DF's advice on things, he sent a letter at Christmas that was framable as far as I was concerned where he apologized for so many things in his past - and each that I thought he just skipped over or forgot? Nope - he rememberd. He thanked us both for being tougher on him than we should have been - and I teared up because I never thought we'd have a relationship. Then about a month ago I got a call from a woman I never met - never talked to, never knew existed who wanted to thank me personally for raising such a kind hearted kid. Her daughter was in the throws of suicide attempt and she called my son asking him if he knew what was wrong with the girl. My son dropped everything and ran to their house and sat up with the girl all night talking. The next day he told the girl in front of her MOther - On Mother's Day no less - that SHE was lucky to be in the same house with her Mom - he'd give anything to make it home just one Mothers Day and tell his Mom what he thought of her face to face. She said he spoke very highly of me - that I'm smart, and kind, loving and tough - but he felt that was his doing. </p><p></p><p>So it can happen - there can be a relationship there - eventually - but it may not happen for a couple years. It may not happen at all. It may happen sooner - but the point of it all is like everyone says - You can only change what is in you to change - you can't fix her - and if there is a change to be made? IT has to start with your behaviors, and the willingness to take a long hard look at yourself and say "I know I'm not perfect, I know I've made mistakes, and I think maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to a counselor/therapist about all of this and improve myself." In doing so - you're actually work towards repairing your relationship with her. </p><p></p><p>been there done that - know it svcks eggs through a straw....So find the wisdom to either get a smaller chicken that lays smaller eggs, or get a bigger straw. Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 515721, member: 4964"] Dotty, The hardest thing I have had to do in my life was put my sons belongings in a trash bag, and a duffle bag and buy him a train ticket BACK to where his biodad was. His behaviors at home with us (me and DF) were so outrageous someone was going to end up (not exaggerating) hurt, in the hospital or in jail. So, before anything like that happened? We (meaning me and the mouse in my pocket) sat and cried, and cried about the relationship - lost. The one that could have been. The one that I thought through thick and thin would keep us (me and my son) melded together not enmeshed as a lot of dysfunctional parents become - but strong allies. After he saw the way his biofather behaved I was SURE, absolutely positively sure -he would come home running, if not screaming with his tail between his legs and have a brand new plan and at the least - at the.very.least? A life-time apology to me for all the hatred, ugliness, venom and threats he had spewed over the years - and trust me his mouth knew no limits. However when he came back the first time it was "OH My wonderful PAPA..my super Dad - my HERO-worship..." and I just sank. I think a part of me WANTED him to come back defeated, and another part just wanted him moreso to come back EDUCATED with eyes wide open and look at me and say "DAMN Mom - I can't belive someone as intelligent as you put up with a #%*) like that! I'm so sorry, for ever doubting you." Because in fact - all the doubts he had turned inwards on him and became his fuel for anger, hate, and behaviors that were out of control. I took it as something I did wrong for so long - because? BECAUSE they SAY "YOU MESSED UP MY LIFE - YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT." and a part of us allows ourselves to actually believe it because we have that incling of doubt in the recesses of our minds that always nags and nags, and nags saying like a whisper in our ear "She wouldn't be like this IF you had........(fill in your blank) as a parent, but when you go to therapy and get in touch with the REALITY of WHOM is really responsible for your actions - beit yours or hers? You can start to sort through years of mis-labled and innapropriate blame. And THEN? Then you are able to start really healing, and helping and learning - HOW to turn this "supposed disaster" of a relationship into the one you would like it to be. If ever there was a chance? This is how you get it. You DO NOT get a relationship with these kids by constantly cow-towing to their anger. By BLAMING yourself, doubting yourself, allowing them to see you cry, and hurt. Offering to pay for this and that when they are ugly and nasty. There is a thing as turn the other cheek, be the example - but in doing so we also have to remember to raise up a child in the way he will go or she for that matter -and .......realize that sometimes with children that don't think "NORMALLY" (whether it IS a mental disorder or just a parenting error, or a life glitch that caused it??) DIFFERENT parenting for each child is ABSOLUTE. You can't raise her like you did the others. You can't treat her like you did the others, you can't parent her like you did the others, you can't discipline her like you did the others. It would be nice to say "Well my Mom and Dad raised US all the same, and we turned out......mostly.....okay." but even when I think about those 1960's parenting me? There were things that my Mom and Dad did differently with myself and my sister and she turned out to be quite a little snot all the way around, and isn't very nice period. We had the same everything. Even Christmas presents. Lord - I have no idea what her problem is - but my suggestion to her was "GET counseling." The therapist actually is good for so many reasons. If you get a good one? YOu have someone who is educated about conflict resolution, problem solving, and outcomes. This is a guide ----for you to have a non-partial person listen to YOUR side of the story,and offer sugestions for YOU to try. When you have tried ALL the suggestions in earnest? And take an honest look at the relationship - it's like you can say to yourself - Not only did I do everything I could do as a Mother to raise her, but I did everything I could do to IMPROVE MYSELF when I saw our relationship was going no where - so that we may be able to communicate - and still she was resistant - It removes the doubt, of most if not all of your what if's for the future, and again - puts the ball back in her court. I didn't want my son to go back to FL years ago......I didn't want him to be anywhere near my x - but his choices HIS CHOICES put him there. He couldn't stay here. So he learned life and the whys of MOM DID THIS BECAUSE - the really hard way. The proof I had kept to show him meant nothing until he saw the person in action. Now? After Nearly 2.5 years? We have a relationship. A good one. It's baby steps but even he'll tell you that if I had never said "GET OUT, GO, you will not talk to ME like this, you will not XXX ME and get away with it....go talk to the world like that and see if they forgive you." he wouldn't appreciate me at all. To me - it was horribly worth it all. Today he doesn't have a shred of respect for biodad. But he treats me very well. He ASKS my advice on things, he asks DF's advice on things, he sent a letter at Christmas that was framable as far as I was concerned where he apologized for so many things in his past - and each that I thought he just skipped over or forgot? Nope - he rememberd. He thanked us both for being tougher on him than we should have been - and I teared up because I never thought we'd have a relationship. Then about a month ago I got a call from a woman I never met - never talked to, never knew existed who wanted to thank me personally for raising such a kind hearted kid. Her daughter was in the throws of suicide attempt and she called my son asking him if he knew what was wrong with the girl. My son dropped everything and ran to their house and sat up with the girl all night talking. The next day he told the girl in front of her MOther - On Mother's Day no less - that SHE was lucky to be in the same house with her Mom - he'd give anything to make it home just one Mothers Day and tell his Mom what he thought of her face to face. She said he spoke very highly of me - that I'm smart, and kind, loving and tough - but he felt that was his doing. So it can happen - there can be a relationship there - eventually - but it may not happen for a couple years. It may not happen at all. It may happen sooner - but the point of it all is like everyone says - You can only change what is in you to change - you can't fix her - and if there is a change to be made? IT has to start with your behaviors, and the willingness to take a long hard look at yourself and say "I know I'm not perfect, I know I've made mistakes, and I think maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to a counselor/therapist about all of this and improve myself." In doing so - you're actually work towards repairing your relationship with her. been there done that - know it svcks eggs through a straw....So find the wisdom to either get a smaller chicken that lays smaller eggs, or get a bigger straw. Know what I mean?? Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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