Hello everyone. I needed somewhere to go to talk to update things, so here goes. My daughter moved out 7 months ago, currently living with her loser boyfriend. He's all about control and doesn't want or encourage her to have a relationship with me because if she was closer to me, he loses control. Losing control means he may lose her. It makes me sick, and I refused to let her go. I refused to believe she could just turn against me, hate me, and not even respond to my tearful text messages and phone calls, but it's what she does day after day.
I am willing to take full responsibility for the what I did to her. I was mean to her. I rode her constantly about her boyfriend I hated. I was a bad mom, verbally abusive, mentally abusive and I drove my daughter nuts. I pushed her closer to him. I yelled, I screamed, I demanded things of her all because I didn,'t like the boy she was dating. Trying to keep her away from her ended in her becoming closer than ever, and now they are inseperable. I keep telling myself that what I did was out of love and I was trying to protect her, and while this is true, it doesn't make it right how I treated her, how I belittled her and sent her packing. This started with him almost two years ago, and since then my daughter and I have had nothing. I refused to accept him in her life. He was disrespectful, had a record a mile long, and my instincts went nuts. He is every mother's worst nightmare. But my daughter was an adult and she had every right to make her own decisions, her own choices, and I didn't let her. Had I let her, she may have chosen to end this relationship a long time ago, but now she's out to prove a point and prove me wrong. And it may well end up to her marrying this Bozo. And I cringe everytime I think about it.
The latest, after months of unanswered phone calls, texts, etc. I finally reached out to the boy. Told him I was willing to bury the hatchet for my daughter's happiness and asked if we could talk or meet. He never called, never responded to that because truth be told that's the last thing he wants. He has my daughter with him, living with him, under his control, and inviting me into their lives could mean her leaving and perhaps coming home. He doesn't want that, and I want nothing more. I hadn't seen my daughter or talked with her,and since she wouldn't respond, I went to where she works and sat in the parking lot waiting for her to come to her car. When she did, I asked if we could talk, tears in my eyes. She pushed me out of the way to get to her car, and punched me...yes I said punched me in the heat and shoulder. As she got in her car, she told me to get out of her way or she was going to run me down. And quite frankly, I believe she was capable and wiling to do it. I never saw so much hatred, so much anger in someone's eyes. She drove home to him. When I got home, I hurt, both physically and mentally. I finally realize that my daughter really really hates me down to the core. She has no compassion, understanding, anything in her eyes. She is cold. She is filled with hate and it is all directed at me.
I admit I was wrong; I'd do anything to change how I treated her, how i drove her away. She tells her dad she hates me, that she is never coming back to that, and I don't blame her. I promised not to be that kind of mom again but she is perfectly happy with Bozo and has no intentions of leaving the little lovenest he has built for himself. I always believed there was some hope for my daughter and I. I always believed that after time had passed, she would see things differently and miss me. The opposite is true. The more time goes on and the longer she spends with him, the further she goes and the more she hates me.
I'm not a good mom. I do things for my kids, I buy them all I can. But that's not the mother they needed. I made Christmas, birthdays, Easters, etc. special. I spent time creating Easter baskets, filling stockings, horsepony parties thinking this is what a good mom does. A good mom is there mentally and loves unconditionally. I refused to love my daughter as long as she was with this boy and as a result I have lost her forever. So where do I go from here. I take full responsibility for what I did to her, how she feels about me. But I did the best I could and loved my kids like noone else ever could or would. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for any of them. I have and will sacrifice everything for them, and no mother could love her kids and worry more than me.
So my question is how do I go on knowing she's really truly gone. Not just for now, but forever. She will never forgive me and I never saw such evil, hatred, sadness, in someones eyes as I did her as she was punching me. I'm still sore and have had a headache for two days....a constant reminder of my last interaction with my daughter. What do I do? How do I come to terms with this? Mother's Day is next week and I just feel so sad all the time. It's like mourning the death of a child, but my child isn't dead...just dead to me. Eveything is empty. I look at old pictures of her as a young girl and she was always smiling. She used to be happy. It wasn't always lke this. I send her the pics and remind her. I'm so desperate for any kind of response even a negative one, but I got nothing. So what do I do? I just can't bare the thought of not having her in my life. I can't accept the fact that she hates me so badly and it's killing me. And she won't even let me tell her I'm sorry or hear what I have to say. What do I do? My other kids tell me to leave her alone, but they agree that what I did to her turned her away and say it was totally my fault. They talk to her like my husband does, and they too say she hates me more than anything. So how do I go on? Is there ever a chance do you think that she will change her mind and forgive me? No one is guaranteed tomorrows and I just want to make some peace with her in the event we don't have tomorrow. This is killing me. Please help! Thanks <3
