Your pain is enormous. I'm incredibly sorry. I do understand. I also commend you for accepting not only her role in her choices, but recognizing also misguided choices of your own. Having said that, a few things jumped into my head instantly while reading your most recent update. Please hear my words as ones filled with compassion and not at all condemning.
First thing. These self loathing, self berating messages you are sending yourself about yourself are more harmful to you than even this wall between you and your daughter. While you remain stuck assigning blame to your daughter, her boyfriend, your husband, and worst of all to yourself, you imprison yourself in a cycle that absolutely guarantees that you are NOT going to be able to feel better, find peace, be happy. And most certainly this type of self blame is going to guarantee you remain "stuck" and that means the worst case scenario for you will become a self fulfilling prophecy: your daughter and you will never in current mind set, mend fences. This "stuck" thinking traps you. Not her, she is living her life. It traps YOU. And as long as you are trapped in a prison of your own making, there remains a barred door that never has a chance to ever open for you and your daughter.
You have done some of the first hugely hard things. You've recognized mistakes you may have made. You most certainly are desperate to feel better, to put into place a situation conducive of providing a possibility for a future reconciliation. Now the next step must happen. Series of steps really. Starting with, what has been going on, is NOT working. In fact, as things are and have been for some time, each text or email or call or invite or parking lot meeting? You are imposing more time incarcerated in your self made prison. Only YOU can get yourself out of that prison. Only YOU can make your world and life a appealing place that over time, yes time and not overnight, not even close; can be a life and world that your daughter may take baby steps to come back into. The thing is, this new prisonless world of yours? CanNOT be about your daughter. Not even a bit. For your own sake but also for hers. What have you to lose by enforcing a radically different approach? You cannot lose what is already lost. So my caring advice? Remove 100% of thinking in any fashion, about a impending or desired reconciliation. No focus on her. Let her be the adult woman she is and live her life for now. Leave her be. No calls or texts or emails or photos or contact of any kind. She is asking for this. Gift it to her. For now. For as long as it takes. Then with this time and energy used now for desperate and ineffective contact, take that energy into the direction you have a guaranteed benefit. Yes I said guaranteed. No guarantees she will come back to your life. You can however have a hope she might over time and with the right environment around you being present and consistent. The guarantee comes in the form of guaranteeing improved emotions, peace, a love of your life again.
Find a support group. Use it to dump your feelings. But more so, use it as support to help YOU learn to talk less and think less about her. I mean you have no control over her. So use the support tools for YOU. Find your joy again. Find a way to a place where you can be not only okay, but also happy, wether she comes back into your life or not. Obviously if she never does, that will carry emotions and grief. But focus on your own life. Every aspect of it. And do whatever it takes to find yourself. Not as wide. Not ask mother. But as a individual. Put a self imposed gag on yourself. Not one word about your daughter outside therapy or a support group (including us! We are a great group to share with and do understand). Use those avenues for support about her. Otherwise, act day to day as though you are at peace with her choices. Eventually you will actually feel it. Model for her and your husband and your other kids, what they need to see from you. You as a woman who finds joy in her job, her children who are in your life. Hobbies and friends and laughing and enjoying life. Stop showing any feelings about and expressing thoughts about, any others contact with her. Stop displaying any opinion about anyone who assists her. For example, your husband. Example: your husband mentions paying her bill or givin her money. Your response? I know that it means a lot to you as a father to feel you are providing. I'm sure she appreciates it. Example: husband or your other children mention speaking to her. Response? It makes me very happy to know you are able to have a relationship with her. Say this with a genuine smile on your face. If asked by husband or other kids why you aren't speaking of her any more or comment on your short but kind and accepting comments about her? Keep giving similar messages. Every single time. Such as: I realized that I had a need to love via control and it wasn't healthy. I'm focusing on personal growth whole providing her with the space she has asked me to give her. I love her as much as ever. I always will. Meanwhile I will continue working on self growth. To love without micro managing. To love her enough to give her space and use this time to deal with making my life balanced and happy. I will however also have the door open for her should she want to begin a me and different relationship.ayne over time she will see that I am learning to love her without the need to beg for a relationship and I am learning to give her what she needs most which is the right to make her own choices without my .02
The key is, really focus on doing these things. I honestly believe you guarantee yourself a positive outcome. Because the end result is a healthy and balanced you, who is living a fulfilling life. And then if she comes back into your life down the road? You win again a wonderful gift and have the tools to make it work long term. And if she doesn't reach out or takes years to do so? You will be the strongest you possible and will have the tools to cope with accepting her choice.
I felt so sad reading your posts. Your mothers heart is apparent. Your pain is raw. That is what you need to fix right now. That is what IS in your control. Heal yourself. Only then might the ground be laid to heal this relationship. Please please please stop judging yourself and your past choices. It is done and we are always our own worst critics who hold ourselves to impossible standards. Focus on knowing you love her and always loved her and you've acted alway motivated by love. Mistakes happen. Focus instead on what can be done differently now that you can look back and see what obviously didn't work or maybe even worsened the situation. Every relationship in your life will benefit from this new approach of focusing on yourself. Trust me. They will notice. And you can bet as it lasts and continues and the new you is a confident and happy you who can let go , word will get back to her.
