There is a point -----in an abused persons mind. That after a period of time because you've been so defeated about so many other things in your life, that you refuse to let go of one thing. For you it's your daughter. See I don't know you, will probably never meet you, but between the lines of what you write? You sound so sad, and defeated about so many events in your life, and as you talk about some of them - whether you realize it or not? They are major life events that you have received NO support on -ever. WHY WOULDN"T you feel like you do? And those are only the things that you've offered to share with us. You have a husband that has said some very hurtful things, and a marriage that isn't really a marriage - so who hugs you when you are upset? Who tells you you're beautiful every day and twice on Sunday? I'd gather some financial strain and the stress that goes with that - and again - NO support system - you just svck it up. Then your children (guessing) are leaving your nest, your home - and that's hard, very hard. And one of them you have unresolved issues with, and those issues? YOU want fixed now because your brain has said - "DOT YOU MUST FIX THESE NOW - an if you do it will be ONE thing done. OR IF YOU LOOSE THIS? It's the last thing that you're hanging on to - you've lost everything else - and when that goes? So does your sanity. - you've lost your husband, your children are gone, you're home is going, your sister is mean, you have no support system, no one hugs you - you don't even LIKE yourself - but you can fix this one thing - I know you can - find your daughter and MAKE her listen, BEND her to your will (because you know how well that worked before right?) yeah .......give that another shot. So you are NOT really hanging onto her and your relationship because it's such a good relationship that can be REPAIRED, FIXED and fill the hole in your heart....but you're hanging ON TO the IDEA......that you can't loose one more thing in your life - or have ONE MORE disappointment by yourself - or you think maybe you'll snap. and maybe.????? Maybe you will. Maybe in the back of your mind you've said - Lord if I loose my daughter? That's it for me. I'm done. I'm gone - I'm --------
And you know - While you're sitting there thinking I know nothing of your world - I know that the only POSITIVE thing you've mentioned in a month of sundays about yourself is that you escape to work - thank goodness you have work. Every other single thing in your entire space - has had some critical remark about it....not been right. And to me? Thats not so much about them? That's about MYSELF. In all honestly Dot - You (and here I am being blunt but understand I've been here - and done this - and it was harder than anything I ever had to admit) YOU ......don't like yourself. So while you're sitting there trying to figure out why your daughter should want a relationship with you - ask yourself WHY YOU don't want a relationship with you. What was the last thing you did for fun? That you laughed and laughed and had a good time doing - alone. That you praised YOURSELF and felt good about - so good about that you shared it with others you knew? Or felt so good about yourself that you RANDOMLY helped people without thinking about your own sorrows and troubles first. Or considered others sorrows and troubles first - or prayed? OR forgave yourself for not being everything you set yourself out to be as a perfectionist? Because perfect people don't exist.
The reason behind therapy - and fixing yourself? Is to find contentment within your own self, and peace within your own soul.......and calm and understanding about what makes you the way you are - WHY do you do the things you do - WHY is it SO DADBLAMED IMPORTANT THAT YOU HANG ON TO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN THAT PUNCHES YOU IN THE FACE? If I came to you, and punched you in the face? Would you want to keep being friends? Why not? Because it's wrong. No matter who it is punching you in the face/ it is wrong - and until you can say that and mean it - YOU NEED to stay in therapy and figure out why you can't say that.
And you don't have a crystal ball for goodness sakes. So stop doing all of this NEGATIVE PROJECTING. I'll challenge you -
EVERY DAY - EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE THOUGHT _ WRITE IT ON A SLIP OF PAPER.....and put it in a drawer or box. KEEP IT - SEVEN DAYS. EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT THAT IS BAD......AND eevery thought that is good - write that too - and keep that - and put it somewhere -
At the end of the week - LOOK Over all the bad thoughts and then look at the good thoughts - THROW out the bad thoughts ------in the trash can, but KEEP the good ones. Try it for one week .........
Negative projecting is when you say things like -
I bet she'll marry bozo.
I know she'll hate me forever
I don't see the prize at the end of the rainbow. WELL FOR PITY SAkE - GOsh gal just how long have you been in therapy? Not even started? Grrrrrrrrrr. KNOCK IT OFF already. Lets get into therapy for about hmm leem see -------I went 15 years and still had thoughts like that at 7 years - so yeah ------I'll back off that - If you're still saying things like that to us in 8 years.......I guess that' pretty normal. LOL. Sigh.....I'm so glad I did therapy. I feel so great that I can tell you I would never EVER EVER EVER EVER ever....evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr see myself again taking one ounce of ka ka from anyone -----and if you didn't want me? Boy - fine. Don't let the door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha. I have too many good things to do with my short time on earth to have baby mama drama. Honestly - and to sit around again and WASTE....(catch that word) WaSTE....my precious time - waiting on a man that beat, and tortured me........???????? OH what a complete and utter, absolute moron I was. HE didn't change. EVER.......never. I got on with my life, continued therapy. Raised my son best I could.......left EVERYTHING I owned behind....had no job, no car.....no home.....no money. We slept in our van, and had a crazy person who wanted to KILL US after us for years. Didn't get child support.....and lived hand to mouth with second hand everything ------but everything we had was ours, and no one beat on me, no one tortured me or my son. No one SCREAMED at me, belittled me, made me feel insignificant, worthless, pathetic, immoral.....I wasn't neurotic with fear..I wasn't being shot at, stabbed.....I slept, no one broke my bones, put me in the hospital, did insane things to me...and my son. But when I was IN IT? I LIVED and DIED to STAY IN IT. YOu couldn't pry me away from it. I HAD to stay there I HAD to fix it.....I was the ONLY ONE who could fix it......AND I wasn't going to let go of that ONE LAST thing in my life - because I had no self esteem, no self worth.......I was nothing. But I could fix.....this....US. I could - watch me - I could.....I will. And for a year after I left? I left a line of communication open - for him to change - I knew if I left - he'd be SOOOOOOO sorry - he'd miss us, he'd regret it....he'd jump through hoops and go to therapy, rehab....stop seeing other women, stop drinking......get us a place to live, provide food, get a job...not make me work three.......help with the baby......But instead......He chased us down, threatened people we knew.....and we lived in fear for years. It's been 17 years....and I still have a panic alarm - 17 years. 15 years in straight thearapy and EMDR (hypno) therapy. - BUT NOT ALL OF THAT THERAPY - was because of THAT, OR HIM......most of the reason that it GOT to that point? Why I made poor decisions that GOT me to him? Were because of my childhood (and I had a great one but I had some issues I didn't even know I had, which spiraled into bigger issues - I dind't even know I had.....and changed the way I thought about things.......and changed ME - and the way I choose things, people...decisions I made. and LED me to .....HIM. And why I stayed married to a psychopath. I didn't like the abuse I can tell you that much. I just wasn't going to give up - one. more. thing. And it was harder than hell - to admit that while he was the one that was screaming, and beating and doing drugs and being abusive, and not loving me - and everything else - that the one that needed FIXED......after I LEFT? WAS ME. It was like a total, utter, collassal slap in the face after evertything else. I didn't cheat on him, I didn't steal the babys formula and diaper money to do crack, I worked three jobs, I kept a spotless house, and it was ME that had problems - ME that heeded a freaking shrink? LOVELY - thanks for that. So I went - and I hated it. I didn't need to be there I was sure. I sat all tense and angry. I gave short answers - and then I ended up talking for an hour and a half..just to prove I dind't need to be there. See I couldn't cry - I wasn't allowed to cry or I got beat. Bad. So As I'm talking to the shrink...Im just brassy and whatever talk.....and no emotion. I was not a caring person - I'wasn't a compassionate person. That could have gotten me killed - I was really hard. You think I'm blunt now? BOY .......oh boy. But eventually - I got a little bit more relaxed, and it came a little bit easier, and I switched therapists, and found ones that suited my tastes....and when I couldn't afford it/ I talked theminto cleaning the office for 30 minuts a week. I begged - I begged them. Then I found a great guy - and stuck with him for 7 years. I'd go to see him in a minute. And I advocate therapy for anyone that is stressed or can't talk about it is embarrassed about it - (shrug) I just don't see the stigma in it. It's help - Guys can't fix a car they go to a mechanic. Can you imagine a man - sneaking behind the garage because he's embarrassed he doesn't know how to fix the engine of a car? Well - just because you don't know how to fix your brain - why is that so big a deal? Ask anyone here - I'm a nut. A loving nut - BUT happy, and caring, and I wouldn't be any of those things - NOR would I be a great example for my son to follow -----and for him to come to me when HE needs advice.......IF I had not gotten myself right in the head. Because I certainly wasn't right allowing people to abuse me. And degrade me, and talk down to me ------and ignore me, and cheat on me, and be mean to me........no maam. If you don't want my company? No problem. YOU are the one that's missing out on something FANNNNNNNNNNN tastic. (cause I'm a wonderful, loving, kind, smart caring person) and I believe that. And I want you to get to that level too - because you only get healthier and happier -
THAT is what I'm talking about -
My life story - is wild horrible....no one would believe it if I told you - (cue Star Trek Music) so I let it out in blurbs.....BUT
I mean what I say here Dot -
YOUR THINKING IS STINKIN' and the only one that can change that is you - NO MATTER HOW many good things I say to you - about you - THAT I SINCERELY MEAN.
GET WELL LOVE - YOU HAVE IT WITHIN YOURSELF TO DO THIS.
