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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 752318" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>Copa, I used to do the same : state my fears to my children before anything happened .And it didnt work. My biggest fears came true: DC1 does drugs and drinks, and DC2 cuts (an addiction also). Both have eating disorders .</p><p></p><p>I am slowly starting to come out of those patterns with the help of Al-Anon, prayer and meditation which I do every single morning. I am learning to detach with love, another Al-Anon thing. </p><p></p><p>My son had stopped smoking, he knows I don't like it, he knows the health risks, and this morning he walked out of the house with a cigarette in his mouth, unaware that I was washing my car outside. He said "oops, you caught me". I didn't even respond .He said "I only got these for my birthday (a few days ago) and I said "You don't owe me any explanations". And he goes "I know that but I don't want you to think that I will smoke like I did before (he was pretty addicted and spending money he did not have)". And all I said was "It doesn't matter what I think". He expressed appreciation for that. </p><p></p><p>I have already told him how I feel about smoking before, so no point in giving the same speech again . He knows the health risks, he knows he doesn't have money for smokes. My Al-Anon sponsor always says "If it doesn't affect my breathing , it is none of my business". And he only smokes outside , so it does not affect my breathing. </p><p></p><p>In the past I would have been very upset by this and I was astounded how calm I felt. It truly does not concern me. He has to make his decisions and learn from them. </p><p></p><p>A few months ago when he had just quit and I was giving him a ride somewhere, he asked me to stop to buy smokes and I refused to stop the car , refused to enable him to start back up again. He was mad and had words me with me but I just kept politely declining. That lead to him staying quit and he didn't smoke for a good 4 months - until now. So even that past effort on my part, was useless . They have to figure stuff out for themselves and live the consequences. </p><p></p><p>What you said about my daughter not being able to go to school if she failed to manage the gas money correctly, hit me. It's where I push up against my enabling. I would not want her to have to drop out because of gas money despite the fact that you are absolutely right about it being the natural consequence. So we all have our Limits and buttons.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 752318, member: 24254"] Copa, I used to do the same : state my fears to my children before anything happened .And it didnt work. My biggest fears came true: DC1 does drugs and drinks, and DC2 cuts (an addiction also). Both have eating disorders . I am slowly starting to come out of those patterns with the help of Al-Anon, prayer and meditation which I do every single morning. I am learning to detach with love, another Al-Anon thing. My son had stopped smoking, he knows I don't like it, he knows the health risks, and this morning he walked out of the house with a cigarette in his mouth, unaware that I was washing my car outside. He said "oops, you caught me". I didn't even respond .He said "I only got these for my birthday (a few days ago) and I said "You don't owe me any explanations". And he goes "I know that but I don't want you to think that I will smoke like I did before (he was pretty addicted and spending money he did not have)". And all I said was "It doesn't matter what I think". He expressed appreciation for that. I have already told him how I feel about smoking before, so no point in giving the same speech again . He knows the health risks, he knows he doesn't have money for smokes. My Al-Anon sponsor always says "If it doesn't affect my breathing , it is none of my business". And he only smokes outside , so it does not affect my breathing. In the past I would have been very upset by this and I was astounded how calm I felt. It truly does not concern me. He has to make his decisions and learn from them. A few months ago when he had just quit and I was giving him a ride somewhere, he asked me to stop to buy smokes and I refused to stop the car , refused to enable him to start back up again. He was mad and had words me with me but I just kept politely declining. That lead to him staying quit and he didn't smoke for a good 4 months - until now. So even that past effort on my part, was useless . They have to figure stuff out for themselves and live the consequences. What you said about my daughter not being able to go to school if she failed to manage the gas money correctly, hit me. It's where I push up against my enabling. I would not want her to have to drop out because of gas money despite the fact that you are absolutely right about it being the natural consequence. So we all have our Limits and buttons. [/QUOTE]
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